This weekend marks five years since the first serious panic attack and suicide attempt hospitalized me, and began the journey through multiple stints of inpatient, outpatient — and on my part, impatient — psychiatric treatment, rehabilitation, medication, therapy, the whole nine yards and then some.

Glory, praise, thanks to God alone. Eternal debt, gratitude, and love to my darling angel parents, sister, brother-in-law, nephews, and cousin for sticking by my side these past five years. Lord knows it wasn’t smooth sailing since.

Don’t get it twisted. You don’t just wake up in the psych ward, chug down some pills, talk about your feelings, and walk out a new person. And what happened on 8/11/13 wasn’t even the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I’ve been assaulted, broke, detained, evicted, homeless, sued, in and out of court, and repeatedly through progressively lower depths of my own personal hell since.

(Future stories re: all of the above will explain my extended leave of absence from Medium. It’s not lost upon me y’all missed me. Missed y’all even more.)

Like Tupac said, “no man alive has witnessed struggles I survived”.

IDGAF about any of that now though. That’s not what this, today, and every tomorrow is about. It’s about survival. I’m still alive. Never felt more life.

It’s a new season. And I’m still breathing. #BrownBeardoSeasonForever

You’ll know the *whole* story when I publish Brown Grass, my memoir trilogy, a three-volume work on three decades of life to be released by my 30th birthday next July, equal parts soliloquy, saga, and self-help. You probably know about Brown Grass if you’ve ever read anything by me.

It’s my life’s greatest work. It will be my legacy.

It’s a story of survival. Writing it saved my life.

I hope, pray and wish it saves many more lives.

Lastly, and this is extremely important to me,

if you or anybody you know ever feels crisis:

please feel free to call/text/email/message me, 24/7/365. Here’s my contact information: +1 (917) 982–3849 (yes, that’s my real mobile number), fzafar1@gmail (yes, that’s my private email). [This isn’t new. I have put my info out there for the past five years. This isn’t a hobby. It’s my life.]

Alternatively, you can always reach out to: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at anytime, 24/7/365, by calling +1 (800) 273–8255; the Crisis Text Line by texting via SMS/Whatsapp “741741”, also 24/7/365. Of course, most immediate and obvious, for yourself and/or others, you can and should always first consider speaking directly to anybody you know and trust, and in case of any/every emergency: dial 911 and/or your local area’s emergency services.

It gets better. Please believe me about this.
I believe this. I know this. I promise you this.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. ❤

One more time, in case you missed it:

I love you so much more than life itself.

dedicated to Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Chester Bennington, Robin Williams, and most of all, my darling angel uncle, Syed Shamsul Haq. RIP ❤️

I live to tell stories. If you’d like to read more, consider joining my mailing list: bit.ly/2vxpWsj. Spam never. Stories forever. Thanks for reading. I love you.