A lack of words…

Leave a comment

When I started this blog I thought it would be so easy to write. I have always had a love for words and a passion for writing. I am way better at communicating my feelings through writing then speaking but for some reason lately I have been blocked.

These last few weeks my life has felt like an emotional roller coaster. Until a few weeks ago its been more then a year since I have had a true panic attack; and now I have had at least one real intense attack weakly. Now if you have never experienced a panic attack you don’t know the pain and exhaustion I have been living with. I honestly don’t know what has brought on this sudden flare up but I want, more like need, them to go away.

This overwhelming onset of emotions have drained me from my motivation to do a lot which includes this blog. Tomorrow I am going in for an assessment to hopefully be placed back into my local Partial Hospitalization Program. I have been before when my life has been spiraling and when I have felt a lack of control on my emotions and life. I am hoping that when I am at my assessment that they don’t recommend I go inpatient. BUT I will do whatever they feel is the best course of action. I am hoping that whatever the outcome of tomorrows meeting is that I leave feeling more hopeful then I feel right now.

I hate being stuck in the fog of depression and anxiety and I hope that with this upcoming help not only will my emotions be back to baseline I will have my desire to write again. And I will definitely be updating you all along my journey; whether it be a short few sentences or a longer post like this one I will for sure be posting more regularly.

Thank You for listening!

 

It’s Time to Grow Up…

Leave a comment

When I was in middle school I got to paint my room and change it form “little girl” pink that had been on my walls since I was about 5. I was so excited to pick a color that was more my style and I was far from a pink girl. I picked one of the darkest blues I could. And don’t get me wrong I loved the blue especially when I got into Doctor Who because my room looks a bit like the TARDIS!!! I am now 25 years old though and that dark blue is just not cutting it anymore. I not only want a change of color but I want a change of lifestyle. I feel like I sleep in a cave and I need to bring new life to my room to brighten my walls and my life.

I have been watching a lot of a YouTube show called Mr.Kate, (go check them out they are AMAZING), it’s a DIY interior design show. It has me filled with so many ideas and projects I can do. Aside from the paint color the biggest change coming to my room is a desk!! That means I don’t have to be uncomfortable anymore when I write these. I get to have not only a comfortable place but an inspirational place to write. I am looking forward to the changes that are coming because my room is just step one.

(Trust me there are a lot of big things coming my way and changes to put into place!!)

 

A Heavy Load

Leave a comment

Over the course of the last four years I have attended a program through my local Psychiatric Hospital. The program is considered a Partial Hospitalization Program and is this giant group therapy where you learn amazing coping skills and so much more. During one of my times there I was introduced to a book called Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. It’s technically a kids book but it’s full of wisdom and life lessons that anyone can take learn from. My favorite short from the book is titled A Heavy Load. I really wanted to share this story with you guys because it has impacted me greatly and has been on my mind a lot recently. So here it is…

A Heavy Load

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle.

The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. he older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.

As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”

Check the full book, and his other works, you seriously won’t regret it!

Beautiful~Passionate~Deserving

1 Comment

I wanted to have my first official blog post to be about why my blog is named what it is because it is why I have decided to take on this adventure.

So here it goes…

Hello Internet my name is Emily and I am very glad to meet you! A little about me… I am 25, I have two older brothers who have given me the joy of being an Auntie to 6 (almost 7)  nieces and nephews, I also live with Mental Illness. Yes, Yes the secret is out of the bag, I’m CRAZY. Well… Not exactly. Yes I do live with a few Mental Illness’ but crazy far from. (Unless you ask my brothers, but that has NOTHING to do with my Mental Illness lol)

I was first diagnosed a little over 4 years ago. It was the scariest time of my life; I was lost, confused and had absolutely no desire for anything. I found myself in the ER the night of July 13th 2013, after my first act of self harm. (That is not what this blog post is about but is a topic I plan to return to at a later time.) Anyways, back to the reason why I have started this blog. Early this year my Psychiatrist and I took steps to find result to a curiosity of mine. I had been doing some research and came across a diagnosis that I fit a lot of the criteria for. So after a very, VERY, long psych test and evaluation it was determined that yes I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Typing that out for people to read is very nerve racking. I am pretty open about my mental health struggles but not many people know about the BPD aspect of my story.

There is so much stigma around mental health and I feel even more so around personality disorders. Its hard to open up about that and have someone say, “Oh like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted..?” Yeah NO; that’s far from my reality. But it’s also for this reason that I am opening up now. Stigma Sucks HARD; to the point that you often start feeling that way about yourself. I had allowed “Borderline” to become my identity. It was no longer what I had but who I was. I never have hated who I was more.

I am so blessed to have found the most amazing therapist who has changed my life. He wont even let me use the words Borderline Personality Disorder. He always tells me that they are just words and not anything to focus on. WHAT?? When he first said that to me I laughed and had to explain to him how important words are to me. I am not a linguist by any means but I have a huge love affair with words and their meanings. (Don’t laugh I know I’m a nerd.) He took this new knowledge and challenged me to find new words to describe myself; find words that truly represent who I am. Now for someone who sucks and finding the positives in themselves this has been an ongoing struggle. So when I was determining how I wanted my blog to represent me I had a light bulb moment.

How do I want to define me, Emily Potter? Who do I want to be known as or known for? That is the journey I am taking on. I am redefining what it means to be Emily. Yes I have BPD, but also I am Beautiful~Passionate~Deserving and many other things. I am excited to share my life, my achievements and every struggle along the way. I hope as I learn more about me I help someone out there feel less alone in there own journey to redefining their own lives.

Welcome To My Blog

Leave a comment

OMG OMG OMG!!

It is official… I am a blogger. What the actual heck am I getting myself into? I am so excited to start this and to break out of my very cozy, comfort zone. I am on a journey of “self discovery”, in a sense, and I am inviting you all to join in on what I am sure to be a crazy adventure.

I know this intro is short but its mostly just the announcement of my blog and not the actual first post. My first “official” post will be on Sept. 1st. Why you may ask…? Well I want to try and post everyday for a whole year. I know i’m crazy right, but I am up for the challenge. Fingers crossed and wish me luck.

See you all back here on Friday!!