Possibility - New Life

A little over four years ago, I had a night. It was the kind of night that I remember more for the feeling, rather than the actual events. In March of 2012, I had finalized my plans to move down South and had set a date for the start of my life in Nashville (Oh, how things change…). With only a few months left before the big move, my mom, one of my best friends, and myself all headed down to Tennessee for an extended weekend to check out my new neighborhood. We were going to get a sneak preview of the world I was about to be a part of on, what I thought at the time, would be a much more permanent basis.

It was a Wednesday night – the first night of our trip after a day of driving (and, of course, stopping at my all time favorite place to eat - the Back Home Restaurant in Elizabethtown, KY). I don’t remember all of the details of that day, but I do remember a moment - an amazing moment. I was sitting on the patio of Loser’s Bar in Midtown, listening to some random country band play, and enjoying a few drinks. It was the kind of night with weather that you can’t really feel - it’s just so comfortable and perfect.

As I sat there, I remember thinking that this was where my life was going to really begin - in this place, 500 miles away from the world that I knew. It wasn’t exactly the place, but the unknown that excited me so much. I felt like, for the first time, the entire world was in front of me. I could do anything, and be anything, and it was all about to start. For me, Nashville was hope. It was the start of a new life that I never even knew I wanted. Nashville was possibility, and it was all for me. Just me. It was, and is still, one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my life.

While my life in Nashville didn’t exactly last, I look back now and I don’t regret (nor would I ever change) a second of it. A lot has happened since that day. So much has changed. I moved away from home, and I moved back.  I fell in love and had my heart broken. I hit the lowest point in my life and built myself back up. I moved to the city and embraced a whole new lifestyle. I left my first real job and started a new one that changed everything I thought I knew about what I want to do with my life. I made new friends and lost some that I never thought I could lose. Through all of this, I never stopped thinking about that one night in Nashville…wishing, hoping, and praying that somehow I could feel that way again. Sadly, I never fully believed that I could.

I never thought I could feel that way again, but here I am. I found it – that feeling of ultimate possibility and hope. The best part, is that this feeling exceeds what I felt that night in Nashville because there is nothing holding me back from embracing it entirely. The biggest difference with how I feel now in comparison to that night is that my life has real direction.  I feel it every day. On top of that, I am so lucky (hashtag blessed) for everything that I have in my life. I am about to move in to an amazing apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the city that I love and will always call home – Chicago. I have the best family that I have grown even closer to over the years (who knew getting any closer was even possible). I have great friends that literally make each day a good one. I have chosen to surround myself with everything positive, and cleanse my life of all of the toxic things that were holding me back, which has made all of the difference.

Most of all, I have never been more confident in myself. I love the person that I am and I am fully willing to embrace it. I have overcome so much and feel certain that I am exactly where I need to be. I love everything about my life and I feel inspired each day. In some ways, I feel like this really is the beginning of the rest of my life – a better life. I went from having a “best night of my life” to having the best time of my life, every day. Happy is a good place to be. I intend to make it last.

All that I’m missing now is a Pikachu…

#gottacatchemall

The Revival – Metaphor or Reality?

It is definitely time to revive my blogging habits. I have neglected this for far too long. There is something that has really been getting to me lately, and it is something that I need to make peace with. So, to kick off what I hope will be a new start to me keeping up with writing, I’ll start with a bit of a rant. I have been told on one or more occasion in my more recent past that I am too emotional. Too. Emotional. The funny thing about this is that I am not one to shed real tears often. I am not always very open about my feelings, but damn do I feel them intensely.  Sure, my feelings can often be heightened by my anxiety, but honestly, this is just who I am.

After hearing this, I began to believe that this was a flaw – something I desperately wanted to change about myself. I needed to be stronger, harder, not feel so deeply. I began to think that I was crazy for feeling too much of anything, or really anything at all.  The worst part is that I started to feel guilty. Somehow feeling emotion was wrong - especially if it was a feeling that didn’t make sense to other people. People have a hard time accepting what they don’t or can’t understand. They don’t want to accept that emotions are one of those things that don’t always have to make sense.

It is an interesting phenomenon when you finally find yourself fully outside of a life you used to know, and can see the person you were more clearly (or the person you were trying to be). I realize that all of that time I spent trying not to feel - trying not to let it all in – I was just denying who I am. I was pushing away the very thing that made me, me. I tried to bury myself and play the role of someone else entirely, someone “normal.” Really, though, why would I ever want to feel normal? I truly lost myself, beginning at a time in my life when I was weak enough to allow myself to be carried away into a black hole.

How awful is it that I felt like I had to hide the very best thing about me?  I won’t deny my emotional depth, and I would never change it. I can feel a hundred things at once, so deeply, so intensely. I hate that I let myself fall into the belief that being myself was not okay, and I resent anyone who ever made me feel like being emotional was a flaw, not an asset. I am compassionate, infinitely understanding. Emotional does not mean weak. Personally, I feel it is the opposite. I am not weak. I am stronger and have more tolerance than almost anyone I know. Never again will I fail to embrace this amazing ability I have to feel so many things. I want to feel it all.

Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the life I am living now. I thought that would scare me, but instead, I feel more myself than ever. Life has a habit of throwing some pretty unexpected twists into the mix just when the timing is right. Timing is everything, though, right? Nothing feels the way it did before, in the very best way. I finally found my way back, or I found the thing I lost a few years ago – the thing that was taken from me: hope. I remember what I am capable of, what is possible, and this time I never want to forget.

I am so grateful for so many things in my new life. I can’t even begin to describe them all. Things are far from easy. This may, in fact, be one of the most difficult and exhausting transitions of my life on so many levels, but bring it on. I’ll take it all. I’ll feel all the bad as long as I can feel the good. At least now, I remember who I am, and who I can be. The future is looking pretty epic, and I think I’m finally ready for it. Cheers to being ‘too’ emotional!

#keepondreaming

Long Over-Due Truths

I think that it is about time I get a few things off of my chest. Inspiration can come from the silliest places, but sometimes when it hits, you just have to run with it. I was watching this season’s finale of the Bachelorette on Monday (judge me; I dare you). As I watched Kaitlyn Bristowe rip Chicagoan Nick Viall’s heart out and step on it, I felt myself wanting to reach through the screen and slap her across the face. This was pretty shocking for me. I was actually a huge fan of this girl and have always found her entirely relatable. Luckily, he handled the entire situation in a classy way, even as she tried to explain how “real her feelings were.” Bullshit. Despite these reality shows falsely creating what I am sure can only very rarely be “real love” in any way, I have to say that everything she said and the way she went about it was completely wrong on a very real level. Sorry dude. I have felt your pain - but maybe to a more intense and genuine degree.

I strongly believe that the worst possible thing you can do when ending a relationship of any kind is admitting to feeling anything, especially love, for that other person. What does that lead to? What good does that do for anyone involved? This indefinitely results in leaving the “broken one” feeling confused and helpless, having to bear the pain of finding closure alone. Trust me when I say that this is not an easy thing to do. It is a weight that you have to carry with you until you are strong enough to let it go on your own. There is no peace. There is no clarity. Moving forward becomes an impossibly difficult struggle. After experiencing this pain first hand, I know that I could never do this to any other person. It is weak, cowardly, and entirely selfish. (Basically, F*** you: words I never had the chance to say.)

It is a very strange thing: looking back. I have this bad habit of doubting myself. I tend to fall into my own thoughts and anxiety. Until very recently, I had myself convinced that I haven’t changed at all in the past few years. What I have realized, maybe only in the past weeks (even days), is how far I actually have come. I think about that broken girl from two years ago, and I barely recognize her in my mind’s memory. I do not feel a connection to the person that I was. I am not that girl any more. I know that I am strong now, and maybe even a little numb to some of the more emotional situations that would once have knocked me over. That is not to say that I don’t feel emotions. I definitely feel them. I can still feel hurt; I still feel pain. Anyone who truly knows me will agree that I am probably even too emotional. I think that I have just learned how to push through it because I can always remember a time when things felt worse. I have the strength to hold on to the hope for better things, even on my darkest days.

I am so grateful for the experiences that have gotten me to this point: the good and the bad. I know I have made (and still make) mistakes, but I can never regret them or the people I’ve made them with. I have come across a lot of people over the past two years, both new and old, who have taught me so much about the person I am and, just as importantly, how to determine the types of people that are worth having in my life. I used to be weak. I used to give in to so many things that I knew I shouldn’t. I was drawn to abuse because I did not believe I could do better, or that I deserved more. I have allowed others to take advantage of me in various ways, over and over again. I have been known to be a “doormat,” not only in relationships, but in friendships as well.

I am done being anyone’s emotional crutch, or the person they use as a stepping-stone to get to what (or whom) they really want. I will never again be “the other woman,” emotionally or physically. I am over being there for the people who wouldn’t think twice about returning the favor. I have no regrets for cutting people out of my life who have treated me poorly so many times, and I will not go back on that. I am not unconditional. I may care too much, but that doesn’t mean I have to give in. I have allowed myself to forgive and forget with certain people far too easily in the past and I will not make excuses for them again. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am strong enough to know now that I do deserve better. I deserve more, and knowing is half the battle, right? I may still be a work-in-progress, but I know that I will get there. Maybe I’m closer than I think.

“It’s funny how day by day, nothing changes. But when you look back, everything is different.”

All that aside…

 

R + L = J (I believe).

Woah! Trees in the Parking Lot

I can’t shake this feeling… that feeling that I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now, this week. This is my week. This is our week. This is the week that I escape to my very favorite place in the world, with my favorite people, each year. Words can’t really begin to explain how difficult it is to be missing it. This is the first time (since my first time) that I am not going to that beautiful place that feels so much like home: Pelican Lake, Minnesota. 

I know what most people would think reading this: “Get over it. It’s just a vacation. Stop being crazy.” Anyone, however, that could possibly think that, does not know me (or my family, for that matter) at all. This is NOT just a vacation, or even a vacation at all. This is more than a trip and more than a tradition. This is a huge and important part of my life – a part of me.  This place holds a very large piece of my heart for so many reasons, and it is not something that I have ever, or will ever take for granted. It is my very own Narnia. 

Right now I am missing the trees: the smell of the tall pines of the north woods where wilderness wins out over population. I miss the way the air is so perfectly clean and the forests appear untouched and uninhabited. I miss the sounds of the night: the quiet waves, the loons calling on the water, and the utter stillness that is inconceivable while living in the city.  I miss the constant presence of wildlife and being surrounded by natural beauty in every direction. I miss the feeling of the wind hitting my face as the boat soars across the water, islands flying past and the blue skies reflecting in the water. No matter how many pictures I have taken, I have never been able to capture the perfection of even a single moment in that amazing place. It is absolutely breathtaking. My heart aches for the details.

More than all of that (and most importantly), I miss the people that I share this with each and every year: my family. All families are different, and who am I to judge or critique the way others’ work? I just know that what I have is something beyond special, and this place, this week each year, is a big part of what has built the closeness that I share with them. I am so lucky to be a part of a family that is so, albeit completely insane, truly wonderful. I would never change a thing about them, and I love that I have always had the opportunity to have this experience with them. They are the people who have made me who I am, and will always be such a huge part of who I will become in life.

This is the one week each year that we all put our lives on hold and return to a place that is almost seemingly frozen in time: a week that we spend together as though no time has passed in between the others. There is a glorious familiarity to each trip. Nothing ever seems to change. Sure, everything changes. Life always moves forward and we’ve all grown up and continue to do so. Some of us are starting new families of our own and we are all building lives for ourselves. Yet, somehow, each time I walk back through the door to my cabin and look out of our window to see the same view of the most gorgeous lake on earth, it is as if I had never left. Time has stood still and there we are, picking up right where we left off. It truly is a “special place.” (Island View, haha!)

There is nothing I love more in life than getting to spend the entire week with my cousins, aunt, uncles, my amazing future sister, and even more so, my mom, dad, and brother. Growing up has really made me appreciate the time that I have with them, and to have a solid week up in the wilderness away from the craziness of real life, is more than a blessing.  For that week, we aren’t living our separate lives, but we have the ability to revert back to the way it always was: my family, all together, following our Minnesota routines and enjoying life more than ever. Nothing really compares to that level of comfort. Not to mention, we are completely hilarious. I am not sure any other family on earth is as inappropriately funny and can laugh as much and as hard as we do, especially up in the wilderness, where we have nothing but each other for entertainment. I love my family so much more than any words in any dictionary could accurately describe. 

So here I am, 600 miles away from the place that I love and should be, counting down the days until I have it again. As sad as I am now, I am looking forward to the nights of drinking and laughing in our cabins after long days of fishing. I can’t wait to go for long walks with my best friend (my mom) down the road, and smell the pine trees as we turn around that first corner. I will keep looking forward to being crazy and chasing wildlife just for the thrill of getting a picture, and late nights lying in the grass, counting shooting stars and listening to the wind. I’ll count the minutes until sausage, biscuit and gravy day, and blueberry bread all the way from Ely. Less than a year and we will be driving back up highway 53, leaving the real world behind, and settling back into that perfect routine in a place that is truly our home away from home. 

I expect that I will need to make up for this lost time, so next year I will see a moose AND a bear, and maybe even chase some wolves. Until then…

You Can Feel Sports, Too.

Can we talk about hockey?

More specifically, can we talk about the Blackhawks? Chicago is so many things. It is a gorgeous city full of beautiful architecture, hundreds of amazing restaurants, bars, and attractions with views of a lake and skyline that are almost incomparable to anything else. It is a city full of attraction and more experiences than I can even begin to count. More than that, for me, Chicago is simply...home. However, one of the things that constantly amazes me is the intensity of our sports and our sports-fans. More specifically, in my realm of interest: hockey. I know, I know. Everyone claims to be some avid sports fan and know everything there is to know about the sports team they love in their hometown. I am not claiming anything. I love hockey, sure, but  I want to comment on the feeling of it all. I just want to acknowledge the incredible fixation and excitement that radiates from the Chicago Blackhawks, especially in a time like this when we are just days away from possibly winning.

If I’m being entirely honest, I am not sure that there are many things in life that can compete with the feeling of camaraderie I have experienced when the Hawks get that game-winning goal; especially when it comes down to a playoff game where intensity is unmeasurable. So here we are again…fighting for the Stanley Cup for the third time in my life and there are no words that can accurately describe the passion behind it. As a fan, living in Chicago, determined to experience the emotion behind each and every game, I have to say that I have only grown to be more excited. Sure, we have done this before. Sure, I have seen two Stanley Cup wins, even in the recent past. Yet, here I am, possibly more eager than ever. I love everything about it. I love this feeling. Nothing beats playoff hockey…especially when my team is so close to achieving that end goal.

There is something remarkable to be said for the passion that comes from being a part of something so phenomenal – the kind of mind-blowing excitement and determination that can only be experienced by being a part of a fan-base surrounding what is a modern age sports dynasty. I just find it so inspiring that an entire city can come together in a way that you can actually feel the electricity in the air each and every time we score one goal. Each goal is one goal closer to winning and suddenly we are all there, standing behind something so exhilarating. Every game that we win, you can feel it in your chest, in your body, under your feet…the intensity and excitement shared by thousands and thousands of people all at once - celebrating. You can literally almost feel the ground shake with the explosion of pride and anticipation of so many people all at once. We all feel the same thing, at the same time. That is not something you find or feel every day.

I don’t want to say that I am overly confident. I believe in this team, and I always will; regardless of the outcome. I just wanted to take a moment to stop and truly appreciate it all: the intense excitement of fighting for the Stanley Cup and following a team that is fighting so hard and proving their strength and talent every step of the way. This is the kind of phenomenon that has the power to bring an entire city (and beyond) together. I am so privileged to be a part of something so wonderful (AGAIN). So, with that being said, LET’S GO HAWKS!

One Goal.

A Short Adventure Into Introspection

I have been doing a lot of solo-adventuring around this amazing city of Chicago lately, and I have been spending a lot of time alone. I think that some of my favorite days involve exploring on my own, spoiling myself by trying a new restaurant or meal and some good drinks, spending hours at the beach or near the water, and simply enjoying my own company. To some, this may seem ridiculous or even a little crazy. That isn't to say that I don't enjoy the company of others. Of course I wouldn't mind sharing these moments with some of the people in my life, but I also do enjoy my "Jenny Time." I think that being able to enjoy time alone is an important part of allowing myself to grow as a person. That phrase "you can't be happy with someone else until you can be happy alone" is a very true concept. Luckily for me, I am very happy with myself. 

The best part of all of this "self-dating" is the time I spend being introspective and analyzing my changing perspective and the way my life really works. It definitely gives me time to appreciate my surroundings and all of the details that have brought me to where I am now. How lucky am I to live in one of the most beautiful cities and have the opportunity to truly experience it every day? I have an amazing life filled with amazing people. Let's face it. The past year and a half of my life may go down in history as one of the best periods with some of the most epic and unique memories. Whether alone or with others: I really do feel [hashtag] blessed. 

Aside from all of this, I have had the chance to get to know myself a lot better and consider the kind of person that I am. I have done a lot of reflecting on the kind of things I have experienced in my life that have made me the person I am. Not everything in my life has been magical. In fact, a lot of things in my life have been quite the opposite. I have experienced a lot of loss, a lot of tragedy and pain, and have occasionally even wondered if I am cursed with horrible bad luck. To anyone who doesn't know me very well (and even the ones that do), these things probably don't seem very obvious. I am not one to talk about the big things in my life that have happened. Even when I do, I somehow find a way to downplay them. I used to wonder if this was a sign of weakness on my part - that I hide my problems away somewhere deep inside and pretend that everything is okay.

I don't see things that way now. I think that all of these things I have experienced, as hard as it may have been, have given me the strength to keep the pain tucked away so that I am still capable of experiencing and appreciating all of the amazing things that life has to offer. What a great comfort it is to know that, in spite of everything, happiness is possible. And present. Somehow, through it all, I keep fighting to hold on to that eternal optimist in me, and I refuse to ever lose it.

I would never want to live a life in which I did not believe that anything is possible. I have to, and always will, believe that dreams can and do come true; that all of this, even the worst of it, means something and is worth it. I have to keep believing that everything, every single detail, does happen for a reason. I will never let go of my ability to see the big picture. Always. I will most definitely end up where I am meant to be. Loss of hope just isn't an option.

I only wish that I could make the amazing people in my life see the world in the way I do. They, too, deserve to feel the kind of happy that only comes from truly accepting the person you are and believing that, even in the worst of times, the best is still coming.

"Hope Dies Last"

Until next time...

Disadvantage of Over-Thinkers

It has been far too long since I took the time to share my thoughts, so here's a little something to (hopefully) re-start my random blog post writing. 

I feel like I was born into a generation of chronic over-thinkers. I think that many of us, (myself included) get so caught up in the way we think things should be, that we fail to let our lives happen the way they are meant to. We set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and, ultimately, feel disappointed when we fail to live up to them. Most of the time, these let-downs have absolutely nothing to do with our abilities or who we are as people. Life does not always work the way we want or plan, and we end up beating ourselves up or feeling inadequate for things that are completely out of our control.

We over-think, we over-analyze, and we stress ourselves out--making ourselves believe that there should always be something more. We compare our life progress to that of others and end up irrationally feeling behind. We often hold ourselves back out of fear or discomfort, and we don't allow ourselves to feel because it could change the outcome of our future and the things we thought we always wanted. We sometimes can't just accept that the way things are might just be better as they are: that the things we have already are the things we need right now. 

We seek magic, clarity, and validation that what we are doing is meaningful: that we are living up to the expectations of others, social standards, and ourselves. What we fail to see is that what we are and who we are is more than enough. Why stress out about the way things could be? Doing that only holds us back from appreciating the moments that are happening to us every day, Life is all about the moments: the amazing details that make up the big picture. Magic does exist. It is all about perspective. The life we have can be exactly the life we want and need, if only we allow ourselves to see it that way. 

Don’t take this the wrong way. I am Jenny, after all. I believe in impossible things. I am a dreamer; an eternal optimist. I, in no way, think that it is okay to settle for anything less than dreams. I just believe that life takes you where you are meant to be. These moments, the people we surround ourselves with, the days we have right now just the way they are, should never be overlooked or wasted wishing for something else. Dwelling on the things we don't have or the things we think we should want only holds us back from experiencing the beauty of the life that is in front of us now. 

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And a heaven in a wild flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand

And eternity in an hour. 

- William Blake (I love you)