What’s Your Story?

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Anxiety. Even just the word makes me feel uneasy. I’ve associated the word to the feelings of tension, stress and fear.

I want to preface this post by pointing out that, although I am a Registered Social Worker in the Healthcare sector, I am not a medical professional in terms of diagnosing mental health concerns. If you have concerns with anxiety or other mental health challenges, seek professional help from a licensed medical doctor. What I am writing is from personal experience.

Now, it doesn’t take a psychologist to notice- but I feel as though almost every one and their neighbour has some level of anxiety- most of which is self diagnosed. In today’s society we love to give labels to everything- to every feeling and thought, and to generically mold it to everyone’s individual experience. It is useful? Sure, it can be in many cases. But it can also create false narratives and beliefs in our mind’s that aren’t actually the truth- they create self-fabricated stories (and most of the time they’re not enjoyable stories like Alice in Wonderland– but if your story is just as fun as that, I’ll have whatever you’re taking, haha).

I mean, who doesn’t love a good story? We often believe that stories are something that we interpret and relate to outwardly, with what we read, hear and see, but most of the stories in our lives are actually in our own head- it’s how we make sense of the world. Sounds crazy, I know- and I am not talking about the lady you saw on the subway that was telling every one that she is the love child of Satan, that is here to destroy man-kind, no (that’s her self-perceived story). Let’s focus on your story. I’m talking about the time you texted your best friend, and didn’t get a response in a timely manner and proceeded to tell yourself that your best friend probably hates you and has now ghosted you- and that it was probably because of the time in 8th grade when you made fun of her inflatable pumpkin Halloween costume. I mean, It has to be the truth, if it’s what you are telling myself repeatedly, right?

We tell ourselves stories every single day- and these stories can change based on two powerful factors that can shape how we perceive our reality: assumption and speculation of an event, person or feeling that you have told yourself is the reality you are living in. What we are doing is instantly filling in the blanks, creating riveting scripts. These stories aren’t simply inaccurate; they’re destructive. We are creating our own angst- what we are actually fighting is a war with our own thoughts and feelings- not the perceived scenario we fear!

Our brilliant mind’s are designed to protect us, when we sense fear we either want to fight or flight. But what if we sense a fear factor that we have created in our own mind? How do we win the battle against ourselves? Well first off,  from my own experience, the most important key point is to not battle against it but to listen and seek to understand the message– What is the piece of information our mind and body is telling us? It’s often confusing to decode our own thoughts and feelings if we’re not looking in the right places. Now this isn’t some hippy-inspired mantra to “give in to your fear” but more so to pause and ask yourself, “hey what’s up? You have my attention. I noticed you’re feeling uneasy and restless, what is my body physiologically feeling right now? What message can my current thoughts be trying to get across?”

On a personal note, I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks- they’re not fun. I have tried every technique I thought possible to relieve me from the unbearable and overwhelming fear that has come across me at times. What I came to realize over time and lots of reading/listening, is that I was going about it the wrong way. I was trying to change my situation on the outside, not within myself. If I was feeling anxious, I used to try to quickly switch my attention elsewhere, or tell myself “you are being ridiculous, it’s your fault”, and obviously all that did was drown me in a spiral of negative emotions that created more anxious feelings. My problem was, was that every time I felt anxiety coming on, I tried to fight it and do anything possible to make it go away– but it wasn’t going to go anywhere unless I faced it.

I had a real “A-HA” moment on my way home from work one day. I was listening to one of my favourite podcasts (Mark Groves- IG: createthelove), and he had a holistic psychiatrist on as a guest speaker (Dr. Kelly Brogan). She said something along the lines of- imagine your anxiety as a scenario in your mind. Imagine that you’re running away from what seemingly feels like a mad-man, who is chasing you. You feel scared and vulnerable and you try to run as fast as you can to get away. The narrative we are telling ourselves is RUN, because if you don’t…something bad is going to happen to you! But wait- let’s try this another way. Imagine that you are running from the same man who is chasing you endlessly, but instead of continuing to run- you stop and get curious. You stop the man in his tracks, and he looks at you and hands you an envelope. The envelope contains all the information you need to understand why you think and feel this way, when you feel like you should run. You read it, and pause and the man disappears, as his job was done, for now. As dramatic as that may sound, this is the perfect imagery of our anxiety trying to teach us something about ourselves, but if we don’t stop and pause and be in the present, we can never understand or make sense of our thinking, because we are just running in circles within our narrative.

The simplest way to test how our own thoughts effect your feelings and current emotional state is to think back to something that has already happened- a situation in which you felt scared, anxious and overwhelmed. Notice how your body automatically responds to those thoughts, by re-living those feelings (i.e. shallow breathing, grinding teeth, faster heart rate, sweaty palms, etc). Our mind reacts to what we tell it to do and feel- believe it or not. If we believe something is true and we unknowing make ourselves believe it is the truth- no matter what the actual reality is, our mind and body responds accordingly. Change your story and you can actually change your “truth”- easier said than done, I know.

How do we Begin to Change Our Story?

1. Stop, Feel, and Listen
Be in tune with your body, and what it is telling you. Our bodies never lie, they are always in-tune with your mind and thoughts. When you feel your heart rate increase, or you begin to sweat, or your breathing quickens, pause and ask yourself, “What is my body feeling in this moment?” and also “what am I thinking is happening right now or is going to happen to me?”. Becoming aware of both your internal and external reactions to circumstances and thoughts in your mind is a foundational step in understanding your anxious thought patterns.

2. Pause and Connect to Your Environment
When we are in an anxious state, we are not living in the present moment, but rather in our own thoughts (past, or future). Pause and breathe, while continuing to take deep breaths, take a moment to notice the space that you are in. Attach yourself to the present– If you are in a room, focus your attention on items in your room (i.e. lamp, bed, cat, window), If you are outdoors, notice your surroundings: tree, cloud, water, building, etc. Focus on anything that helps you attach yourself to what is in front of you in the here and now. When we are anxious, we are disconnected from our bodies, meaning our brain is somewhere else and our bodies are in the present.

4. Ask Yourself These Two Questions:
1. What is the current story/dialogue I am telling myself?  Is this based on my own assumption/speculation of the situation or is it based on actual, objective fact?

2. How is my body feeling when these thoughts I tell myself occur? Keep note of how your thoughts make you feel physically, our bodies are very interconnected to our self-dialogue.

5. Let go of What You Can’t Control
When an anxiety-inducing circumstance occurs, we’re quickly reminded how much is outside of our control. When you feel you are in a safe space, write down all the situations of people/events in your mind that often bring you a sense of anxiety- but remember Step 4, “is this situation my own assumption/speculation, or is it reality based on facts?” Then write out all the things you can control in that situation, and all the things you cannot control. Consider placing these “un-controllables” in a mental storage unit located far away from your present thoughts. Since these issues are beyond your control, there’s no reason to allow them to take up valuable space in your mind and body. Focus your mind on all the things you can control and do to contribute to the new story.

6. Be your Own Friend, Not Bully
Observe how you speak to yourself when anxious thoughts occur, “Stop thinking about it, you idiot”, “It’s all your fault”, “You’re a failure if you can’t do this”- Does it sound familiar? It’s almost like you’re annoyed by a pest that won’t listen. Well, maybe it is because you’re not listening to “it” (you). It is going to keep at it till you listen, empathize and understand. That’s what friends are for isn’t it? If we can’t back ourselves up, how do we expect other people to? Be gentle with yourself, you’re experiencing a lot right now. Turn your internal dialogue around to reflect how you really want to feel, “You’re so strong to have felt this way for this long”, “You are doing everything you can, and it is enough”, “You’re evolving in to something beautiful”. Speak to yourself the way your bestest friend would want to speak to you when they see you struggling in the moment.

7. Seek-Out Activities/Connections that Keep You in the Moment
Anxiety often gets us side-tracked in our daily living- it keeps us in the past or future. This step can look different for every one, but the key is to do-more of the things that keep you in the present moment, Depending on the person, this could mean going for a run, listening to music, connecting with a friend, meditating, or working out. It should be an experience that energizes you, and keeps you focused on what you are doing and experiencing in that very moment. Although this can also be looked at as a coping mechanism,  its usefulness lies in the fact that doing something meaningful to you releases endorphins, which cause you to feel better- clear your mind, during a time when you need to assert control over your thoughts/emotions.

A lot of our stories from our past cannot be changed. But the stories we tell ourselves on  a daily basis can- it’s a “choose your own adventure” story, the real life series. You have control over how you choose to think about each given situation and interpret it the way you choose to. Once we begin to understand our mind’s default path, we can change the way the story goes. Although we can’t control the situation/event at hand, we need to understand and grasp what is factual and what is our perceived truth, that is based on our subjective thoughts and emotions. And remember, none of us have it all figured out, we’re all in this together

xo

The Slot Machine Generation

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Did you Swipe Left or Right?

I remember one Friday night, a few of my girl friends and I were catching a late movie at the local movie theatre- It was the typical thing to do when you’re in high school. While we were waiting for the movie, a cute guy with spiky hair and a black bubble vest (it was unfortunately the style back then) walked up to me and asked my name, and what kind of movies I like, etc. After about 10 minutes of giggling and chit chat, he asked for my number and wrote it on a piece of paper. The next day, HE CALLED ME! Yes- you read correctly- he called me on a cordless telephone that was plugged in to his parents wall (LOL) so wild right?! Not only did he call me, but he asked me if I wanted to go on an actual real life date with him. Bananas, I know! It’s almost like a sci-fi movie (haha)

Now although this was before the generation of social media- insta, FB, Snap, Tinder, Bumble- it wasn’t THAT long ago. What I mean is, it’s not like I’m a grandparent describing the days I used to walk 100 miles to school. This era was just before the whole craze of needing to feel connected yet feeling disconnected through flakey, impersonal interactions. Somewhere between the spiky hair/bubble vest era and now, it all went wrong.

Fast forward to 2018.

Swipe, Swipe, Swipe, Swipe… MATCH. How did that feel? That almost celebratory moment you see a match pop up on your phone screen. This aspect of surprise creates a rush of dopamine that then quickly fades and leaves you wanting more- From “YAY!” to “Okay, Next!” in a matter of milliseconds. Perhaps that’s why users message back and forth with fewer than 10% of their matches. Just like a compulsive gambler at a slot machine, instead of taking their winnings off the table, they keep playing until they’re bankrupt. Now, it might sound like I am making a big deal out of an innocent and fun social app, but IT IS a big deal. We lost the element of depth and emotional intelligence.  The very essence of our being is to seek true, meaningful human connection, that has been lost and it’s a crisis! (No, I am not being sarcastic). Okay, I’ll try not to be so dramatic, but I am not alone. How many people do you know, including yourself that have embarked on a romantic, meaningful relationship through the swipe generation (tinder/bumble)? Because here is the overview of how 90% of matches turn out:

  1. You Swipe- You Match

A) Let the person sit in your matches for a while until you realize you don’t feel like talking- you were bored, so meh.

B) You message your match, with a funny or generic “hey, what’s up” (because what do you have to base your messages on? Pictures and one liners? ha)

C) Now, you start talking, back and forth, after about 5- 6 messages the conversation ends- fades never to cease again. Have a nice life!

D) You exchange numbers, you talk, you actually meet, but then the cycle still repeats…

Now you’re probably thinking, well there probably wasn’t a good connection if it didn’t pan out. Well no- not entirely. You can meet someone, have fun, share interests, but the problem is the swiping generally doesn’t stop. It’s like gambling. You play, you win, you win more, and after the rush fades, you want to start gambling to feel that rush of fun again. It’s a game that no one really wins- it just keeps going. If your objective of the game is to just have fun, low-key don’t give a shit about depth or anything long-term- you embrace it. Yeah, it’s fun, but when the time comes where you want something more, you’re left in the same predicament.

I’ve fantasized of how cute it would be to meet someone organically at a grocery store, both reaching for the same pineapple. But, to my disappointment that has never happened. Some people are probably thinking, “Well if you don’t like how those dating apps work, then delete it and meet someone organically”. But here’s the issue here: The people that are on these “dating” apps are not living on another planet- they are people you know, or they are strangers you see when you’re out buying pineapples- they are a swiping generation all among us. They are the same people you see when you go out, and they too are feeling the same kind of human disconnect we are feeling, but they are also often also swooned by the same slot-machine gamble. That urge to keep thinking “what’s next” doesn’t just go away. 

I remember reading Mark Manson’s book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*uck” (great read btw). In one chapter he spoke about how the need to always be chasing a high will never lead us to true happiness. What I mean by that is, we are often chasing a high- never allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, or hopeless or question what we want or where we are going because we are always seeking the next high, the endorphin rush of quick gratification. The high can be anything, hooking up with different people, partying, gambling, shopping, seeking validation, etc. The more we chase that high, the more empty and unhappy we actually feel. It becomes an invisible addiction we mask as social connection- when it’s actually the opposite.

Even the CEO of the dating app Hinge wrote the following, “Playing people like cards. The dehumanizing way people are reduced to playing cards that we flick to the left or the right — a majority of the time not even bothering to click in to see the user’s profile. This static, superficial representation of people leads to the pathologically objectifying way many choose to engage with the real humans on the other side of the app, from snap judgments to crass pickup lines, often asking immediately for sex, nude pics, or worse. This model for engagement does not encourage investment in any one person, as everyone after a while starts to look and feel the same. Our research revealed that a majority users don’t even remember the name of their last right-swipe.”

I think it’s important to point out that, I think technology has given us tremendous power to connect and make meaningful connections and share information. I am more so concerned with the swiping culture we have found ourselves in. I think online dating is awesome! In fact, I have dated people I have met online and some have turned out to be long term relationships- but they weren’t from tinder, bumble, hinge or whatever else is out there. Before the swipe era, there were/are dating websites, where real people can meet and socialize. If you’re wondering how they are different, here is a quick overview: On dating websites, the majority of the people are actually looking to meet someone they want to date- you have to make the effort to fill in a full profile, with all your interests, dislikes, and actually write a bio that goes beyond “I like to play hockey and walk my dog”. They actually give you a deeper picture of who that person is, what they are looking for, and why they are on there. Secondly, on dating websites, you have to literally read through lengthy thought-out different profiles, and message people directly- based on what you have read. It takes more time, patience, and effort. Generally people that are using these websites take the time to seek out someone beyond a cute selfie and a 100 swipes later.

I want to make something clear, if I haven’t already. I think we have so much potential to make deep connections online- I really do. There are lots of people who have inspired me, and made me think outside the box, and have taught me things online. What really disturbs me is the loss of this generation’s ability to even know how to make a deep connection, because of all these apps and with modern day social media, that make everything seem easy, quick and disposable. We always want what’s new, what’s popular, and want what we have and possess to compare to the random person’s post on Instagram. But that’s not REAL! We are just so conditioned now to constantly chase this high- but the high has no basis, it’s just a fake, meaningless phase. It is merely like walking in to a casino, winning, leaving, and walking back in and playing until you’re out of money- then repeating the cycle. Where does the cycle lead? It leads you back to the game, over, and over, and over until you can’t even tell the difference between anyone you talk to, because they all blend in with each other. There’s no room for depth and human connection- it’s all just a game to make you feel instantly gratified. And, that high and gratification goes as quick as it came.

So, what’s my point? My point is, no matter who I have spoken to, they feel this disconnect. They want to meet new people, and possibly meet someone they have a genuine connection with but we’re all stuck in this bubble that social media, the swiping culture has created.

We all have that innate feeling where we want to feel we belong, connect and can relate to others. But we forgot how: Things have been designed for us so we don’t really have to think of how, why bother when all you have to do is lay on your bed and swipe a few times and wake up to 100 matches at your disposal? it never ends. You can meet the person of your dreams, heck, you may have already done so and might not even know it because you never STOPPED the cycle. You can meet someone, and even if it goes really well, there is always that feeling of, “well what if my next match is someone I like better? I am going to keep going and see”.

I can tell you from my own experience, the grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is green on the other side because it’s fake. Grass is green where you actually have to water it, care for it and put in effort. This swiping culture doesn’t promote that. That is where my problem lies. Whether I chose to use these apps or not, the swiping culture is alive, and prevalent in the very culture I live in, so regardless of my use of it or not,  I am affected by it, and so are my friends and people I know.

How do we solve this predicament? Here’s my theory- It only works if both parties are on the same page. If you meet someone you are interested in, and see potential in pursing further, stop making more matches and meaningless connections. They are nothing but distractions in the process of something potentially more long-term gratifying. But the other person has to want to invest the same- or else it all goes back to square one (that’s the tricky part). All you can do is control your own actions, so it all starts with yourself. Once you do that, you will be bound to meet this creature that wants the same. Nothing meaningful was ever easy to get to and a meaningful human connection should never come from a winning on a human slot-machine.

Let’s change this “what’s next?” culture to something more indispensable.

You Choose.

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As I am sitting here, in a daze, starring at my computer screen- I realize that aside from wondering what I am going to have for lunch, I sit here wondering how to start this blog in a way that makes logical sense to someone else. Isn’t that always the case? We look for a specific inspiration to get us writing or to start something new? I find that unless I start off by just writing gibberish, I wouldn’t start at all, so as I begin this post, I will refrain from pointless jargon until I find my flow.

A topic I have been thinking a lot about lately is about TIMING- the significance the term/concept has in our day to day. How often is it we hear people say, “when the timing is right…(such and such will happen)” But what does that actually mean? “When the timing is right”? I know a lot of people believe in the popular idea that the universe has this grand plan for us, so things happen chronologically for a reason– but does it? I mean even if it did, would that honestly be a viable and honest way to look at how things pan ultimately out for us? Maybe it’s just me, or I just want to feel that I am more so in control of my destiny. Thus, my opinion is that we make the timing “right”.

Obviously, we don’t have full control over unforeseen circumstances, nor do we have control over other people’s decisions and reactions but I believe for the most part we have control over the timing and outcome of things based on these following factors:

  1. We are always in control of how we perceive.
  2. We are always in control of how we react.

In respect to timing, it’s a pretty broad statement but in this case my focus is more so aspects like a relationship failing or a potential love interest not panning out, not getting the job you wanted, fighting with your family, etc.

We make our own time in a sense where we have FULL control over how we perceive the situation and also how we choose to react to it. For example, if you met someone new and have this expectation that based on your emotions “they’re the one!” then two months later it fizzles out and you break up- it’s not because “the timing wasn’t right” or “they weren’t ready to settle down”, it’s because internally we are  aware of the red flags, the errors in our judgement and also how realistic we are. We may not realize it conscientiously but sub-consciously I believe we know what the probability of a lot of different situations/outcomes are, but we CHOOSE to look at it differently to convince ourselves that things will go “our way”.

When someone says to me “trust the timing of your life”- I often think “Oh no.. not you lol” (eye roll) or “Everything happens for a reason..”

Well, Maybe. Or maybe it’s because of my conscious decisions that have a domino effect to all aspects of my life. Things happen because WE MAKE them happen. They don’t happen magically and appear from the clouds.

People want to believe that timing just happens, and that bothers me. It puts the responsibility and emphasis on the exterior and not internal. Most of the time when we hear the statement “everything happens for a reason” it’s generally because something didn’t work out the way we imagined it or thought- but that in itself has nothing to do with timing- it has to do with US and how we think and perceive situations and what our expectations are.

I feel like my mind is throwing up words, but I am trying to make my point as clear as I see it in my head-

According to this definition, “Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future”.

Timing is continuous, so to say “Trust the timing of your life” because “everything happens for a reason” is a silly concept. Yes, everything happens for a reason because of our decisions, perceptions and reactions to everything that occurs to us! Even if we feel we have zero control over our destiny or even over any minor situation- we still have FULL control over our perception of the situation and our REACTION to the situation.

I think the power of reaction is so underrated.

Think of how you may respond to the following scenarios:

  1. It rained out on a picnic you had been planning for a while.
  2. Your significant other is going out with their buddies to a party- but you can’t go with them.
  3. You loose your job.

 

Now these are things that occur every day to a lot of people. But the difference in the significance of “timing” and “fate” is that each reaction leads to a new situation/event. There isn’t a little angel and devil on your shoulder telling you what to do constantly. Our reactions are nothing but our own- we make things happen and not happen, even if we don’t appreciate the consequences of our reactions.

You can either dance in the rain, or you can bitch and throw a fit because it rained on your picnic.

You can either stress out and be insecure about your partner going to a party without you, or you can wish them a good time, they deserve a night out with friends.

You can cry, and dwell about loosing your new job and blame your boss, or you can look for something more suited for you.

All of these reactions lead to different destinations. It’s like a chain reaction. It does not happen because of the magic of timing, it happens because WE MAKE THEM HAPPEN in one way or another.

Our minds are so much more powerful than we think. And since like most of us, we are not as self-aware as we should be, we put most the emphasis of things happening and not happening on other people or factors outside our control.

Once we really learn how our own mind works, we are the actual CEO of our own lives. This calls for on-going self awareness to lead to self development, and it requires work and change in how we think at our very core. In order to do that we need to:

  1. Acknowledge and accept our fears, values and insecurities. Because a lot of how we react is based on these three concepts- once we accept that our reactions are very much based on our perception of ourselves and what we feel we are either lacking or don’t have control over, we can learn to work on and mold our own perception of ourselves, and what drives us to react in specific ways. Our patterns of behavior are so intertwined with what we value, and if we feel a situation or event is going against what we value, we generally have patterns of how we would react – being aware of this can help change your perception of the situation- by not thinking of your values as the only idea that is right- learn to pause, identify situation, identify your emotions to the situation, and look at how your possible reactions can cause a domino effect.
  2. Being realistic with our judgement. This means looking at each situation objectively, not how we want to see the situation. This leads to blindfold judgement- This means, we don’t see red flags, or we choose to ignore certain facts or observations because we want to convince ourselves something is or is not a certain way. Judge each situation based on facts, and tap in to how it effects you emotionally. Keeping tabs on your own emotional state can help you make grounded judgement calls. Again- it leads back to accepting and acknowledging your own fears, values and insecurities.
  3. Things will happen unexpectedly all the time, but you can always control where that leads- based on how we choose to see and react to the situation/event/and emotion. You and only you have that power to lead your path forward. Remember- every reaction leads you somewhere different!

 

Hope you guys found this as helpful as I have. Writing my blog is an outlet for me, and to also teach myself the very things I write about- crazy how that works. Cheers!

 

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
― C.G. Jung

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How We Make Our Own Reality.

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Well, its been just over two years since my last entry. I’ve had several ideas and thoughts I have wanted to share on my blog, but I never made it a priority to put things on paper. I’ve felt quite inspired lately, and I thought it was time to finally spit out all the thoughts and ideas juggling in my mind, and I have to say it felt good to get it out. I forgot how therapeutic it is to see our thoughts visually.
Let me preface this by saying whatever I write is based on my own thought processes and ideas that have inspired me to think, evaluate and ultimately grow as a person. I share them with others in hopes that it could and will inspire others in some way or another, even if it is just to open up their mind’s to a topic that hasn’t been looked at from my angle before.
All of us, as unique beings experience life differently.  Each one of us really lives in our own little world. Our reality is completely based on our own interpretation of our experiences. You’re probably thinking wtf? Reality is reality, isn’t it? Well, yes and no.
To clear things up a bit, I want to point out that there are two factors involved here- 1. Reality depends on what actually happens (objective reality) and 2. How our brains make sense of what happens (subjective reality). Although there are many commonalities across our realities, it cannot be assumed that anything is the same for everyone or even remotely close to it.
Every experience you have, you interpret it in your own mind. Our minds are constantly looking for meaning in each situation based on all past experiences, our values, beliefs, culture, our social environment, etc.  Think of your mind as a file cabinet. Our brain’s are constantly going through your old documents and files looking for snip-its of similarities and meaning based on what you have already encountered or observed. If a new situation arises, which is does more often than not, our interpretations (or gut-feeling) may in fact be “wrong” – because any given experience can be considered new, we are subconsciously relating it to something similar that may have happened, experienced, or even seen- thus, treating the new situation with past thoughts, feelings and insecurities, etc. One situation can have multiple meanings depending on your mind and how it creates the meaning for you in order to make sense of it.
For example: I think trust is a concept that is strongly tied to past experiences, making it at the forefront of our mind’s pathway to developing this “false reality”. So, for the sake of making my point easier to grasp (even for myself), I am going to use this concept as my prime example. I am going to give you an example situation, in which I think almost every female (and male) I know has thought/experienced/observed to some extent in their lives, especially living in 2017-
So, girl meets boy. Let’s name her Betty. Betty meets this boy she is interested in, and they start the talking phase. After some time, they develop a good romantic connection and they seem to be a good match. Betty starts to feel uneasy because her new guy suddenly starts taking too long to reply to text messages, or he doesn’t talk as much as he used to. So, as any millennial in the dating scene would do, she starts going through his social media and noticed likes and comments from multiple girls that he knows…hmmm (smh). What is Betty thinking?
Betty thinks her her love interest may not be trustworthy- she thinks, he’s a player, he is just “like the rest”. Now this is where interpretation and false reality is created,  which can cause Betty problems and lead to destructive patterns of behaviour.
Let’s break it down.
Betty has been hurt multiple times in her past relationships- it sucks right? Her last boyfriend cheated on her. She found out that he was seeing other girls he met on social media, and lied to her about it. Her mind has designed her reality that she can’t trust another guy that may display similar actions or behaviours (without warrant). Now, in the objective reality, her new boyfriend has not cheated or lied. He has been busy with work, and has had a lot on his mind- so he has been distracted. Her new boyfriend is completely unaware of how his own actions are being perceived by her.
A couple days go by and Betty starts displaying some insecure behaviour- she starts assuming things of him, and starts arguments with her new guy- based on nothing but assumptions and the reality she has created in her own mind. So what now? Betty has painted a picture of reality based on HER OWN perception of the situation, which is NOT always correct. In fact, I will go further and say, most of the time it is not correct. Our reality should not be based on emotion, and that’s where most people steer wrong, when they blame things going wrong, they place blame externally by pointing the finger at other people, but in fact most of it is our own mistake or error in judgement and recall (obviously, to a certain extent- I will explain).
You’re probably thinking, “Well, duh”. But here is why I feel this concept of how own reality is so important to be self-aware of. Whether in relationships, work, how we view ourselves and the world, we need to be constantly asking ourselves questions. Questioning everything we do, feel, say, and think. Once we completely understand that our reality is based on our own minds, we can change our perception and thus our own reality and experience.
Now, with Betty,  the issue I want to make clear is not the issue of her creating this false reality, that is based on how her mind made sense of the situation or experience-  but in fact, I want to go deeper than that- because that is where the change can occur.
Here is a question, Why is her mind choosing to relate this experience to the one or two mistrustful men that she has dated? She has dated very nice and trustworthy guys before- and she KNOWS that there are in fact nice, trustworthy guys out there… so why does her subconscious mind choose this misguided reality?
This is where the importance of self- awareness comes in. The most important aspect in creating our reality is FACING OUR FEARS and our INSECURITIES. So cliche right? But it’s not what you may think I mean.
Our mind often blocks these emotions out, so that we don’t experience pain, instead our mind chooses to put blame on external events and situations. But if we keep placing blame externally, and not facing objective reality of our emotions, we never resolve anything that might be holding us back from positive outcomes. Change cannot occur without some level of pain and discomfort.
If we dig deeper, and ask these questions we may find a more objective answer:
1. How does this situation or experience make me feel?
2. Why does this situation make me feel like this?
3. What other experiences have made me feel of think this way?
4. If I choose to let go of this emotion and feeling (i.e. fear, insecurity, sadness, anxiousness), what is the worst thing that can happen if I just let it be?
Here is the thing about Betty. Her fear of being hurt and cheated on is just the surface of the self awareness scale. Now go deeper than that- to the utmost core of her subconscious thoughts/emotions:  Betty feels her time is running out to have a family of her own. She see’s all her friends with their own families, and in long-term relationships and she does not want to be alone, and is afraid of staying alone forever.
This is her distorted subconscious thought process that has snowballed.
Now, with all that on the table I want to get to the point of this-
In order to change anything in your life, you must feel PAIN and welcome CHANGE, as nerve wreaking and as uncomfortable as that is.
The solution to Betty’s situation is such: Betty needs to welcome and accept the idea of being alone. Her situation has NOTHING to do with other people, or guys she is seeing or not seeing, who said this and who did that. No no no NO! In order for Betty to adjust her reality is NOT to date “nicer” guys or stop talking to “douche bags”. It’s to get over her fear of being alone. Once she engages in that painful and uncomfortable experience, it gets better. She will be free.
Because at this very moment when Betty is sitting alone at home smiling, eating popcorn and watching TV, where she is content- This is where everything falls in to place. It is at this point where no matter WHO did what, she knows that in the end it’s okay- and things work out better when you stop trying to control the situation that you can’t control.
This is where the evolution happens. She will no longer feel insecure. She will no longer think and assume something bad is going to happen every time a guy takes more than .03 seconds to reply to her text- because WHO GIVES A SHIT either way. No matter what comes of any given interaction, she knows that being alone is actually alright, and to accept that we don’t ever know how things will turn out, we never will until it happens. What we can do is question our thoughts and emotions regularly in order to understand our reality, and make our own reality better for ourselves and the people around us. Because sometimes when we feel we are protecting ourselves, we may actually be self destructive- and may ruin good experiences because of our false perception of reality.
I hope you can make sense of this simple yet complicated topic. If it makes zero sense to you, I’m sorry! ha. Sometimes what we think to ourselves comes out differently on paper- but I digress.
In conclusion, still, our brains are talented at picking out certain chunks of sensory experience and associating those chunks with other stimuli. For instance, if you hear purring and feel fur rubbing against your leg, your brain knows to associate that sound and feeling with the fluffy four-legged object you see at your feet – and to group that whole multi sensory chunk under the heading of “cat.” (Thomas, 2012) The concept of “dimensions of association” points back to a far more profound idea about how our brains work: We understand the meaning of an object in terms of the meanings of other objects – other chunks of reality to which our brains have assigned certain characteristics. In the brain’s taxonomy, there are no discrete entries or “files” – just associations that are more strongly or more weakly correlated with other associations (Thomas, 2012)
  Furthermore, You will keep making the same mistakes (due to our patterns of behavior based on our false reality) that are causing you unhappiness until you accept the things that are making you unhappy (that goes way beyond the surface). It’s a painful and life changing process to accept and move forward. To change our life we need to change our patterns of behaviour and our thought process. Basically, it’s okay to tell yourself “STFU, you’re wrong” because your gut instinct isn’t the know it is it thinks it is.

Stop Going to the Circus…

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I recently heard the saying “Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus” and it set-off a light in me- and not because I like clowns, because I think they’re creepy. Other than my complete fascination with human behaviour, and understanding why people do what they do, the one aspect that has always triggered an interest in me is why people go back to toxic relationships, or stay in negative relationships. And, something tells me they’re not all fans of going to the zoo either.

There are a zillion and one reasons people stay in or go back to toxic relationships- we have all been there on some level or another. What I want to focus on is not the mainstream ideas of why people go back to negative/toxic relationships, which I will talk more about shortly- but, If we’re talking basic relationship psychology, the top two reasons for getting back in to a toxic relationship are the following:

  1. Familiarity/Comfort– We take comfort in the fact the person knows us well and vise versa, and they have seen our good, bad and the ugly. We can also appreciate the fact that although the person has their quirks, they have a deeper level of understanding of us- through the time and experiences they have shared with us. And although they make us want to put our fist through a wall, at least they know and understand that you don’t like ketchup directly on your fries *shrug*
  2. We feel lonely– Talk to anyone who is newly-ish single, and they tend to have the same answer. The hardest part of getting out of a relationship is the feeling of loneliness that comes shortly after the realization that you’re now on your own. When you’re in a relationship you have your routine that is loosely wrapped around another person- the things you do together and share with each other- then when it’s over, you find yourself missing the feeling of sharing experiences and moments with someone. You also miss the intimacy of having someone, which isn’t always based on the physical aspect of intimacy but more so not feeling alone-and feeling cared for and wanted. A lot of people can’t accept these new feelings, and tend to jump back in to the very relationship that made them unhappy- but at least they get to have a regular cuddle buddy again lol! For many people this is the biggest underlying reason for not staying single even if they’re in a toxic relationship- they’re afraid of being alone.

Although I could write an essay on how one’s level of self-awareness and understanding of their self-worth can change someone’s thoughts on going back to a negative relationship- I’ll save that for another time.

NOW, I want to focus on my main idea of why people go back to toxic relationships, because it is part of our existence that  I know many people may not even realize, even if they have been through it… (drum roll):

In a generation where relationships are ended through text messages, and your love is defined by how many times your boyfriend can comment on your insta photos, and where most of your time together is spent watching your favourite shows on Netflix while you’re both staring at your phones- there’s something lacking there, and I am not talking about how or why relationships go wrong-  I am talking about PASSION in a relationship- THAT electricity that fills your veins when we talk to the person we love, the eye contact and empathetic communication when we talk to each other about how shitty our day was, it’s the feeling when you’re feeling down and your boyfriend/girlfriend makes you laugh your ass off, and it’s the feeling when you get pinned against the wall and shivers down your spine when you can smell their cologne/perfume on their neck- YOU GET IT. It’s the unexplainable magic that makes relationships real and different from any other relationship- and I say magic because IT IS- how can it not be?! How often does anyone make you feel that way? Some of us only get to feel that once in our lifetime- if ever.

So this is my point in this ramble: Sometimes we go back to toxic relationships, because it makes us FEEL SOMETHING immensely electrifying- even if it is mind blowly negative. Sounds funny right? You’re probably thinking “you should always FEEL SOMETHING if you’re in a relationship- not just a negative one”.  Yes, obbbbviously you are right, you should, but how many relationships have that overwhelming sense of passion in them? What I mean is, in a stale society we live in now, where everything and every one’s interaction are so two-dimensional,  being with someone that makes you feel an intense feeling is still something we gravitate towards because it still makes us feel some kind of magic- bad magic of course, but still magic. We lack that passion and surge of energy in our daily encounters, there is not much passion knotted in most of our relationships- where you have that fire you feel when you’re around someone. We are losing that more and more. It’s ironic because in a generation where we feel we are most “connected” we feel the most disconnected from each other.

I am definitely not insinuating that toxic relationships are the only ones with an intense passion, but what I am indicating is that people go back to these relationships to feel something intense- even if the feeling is a negative one most of the time- people WANT to FEEL, that is when we feel most human and alive. Something can be perfect on paper, but if it doesn’t give you that electricity in some form- it won’t make you happy- you want what other people can’t give you or sell you- that connectic human energy that only some people can make us feel.

We crave it- because we LACK IT.

Think of reasons why people drink, or do drugs- they do it to feel something exceptional and different, even with the negative repercussions it can bring with it afterwards. Sadly enough, I am seeing this more often than not. Whether it’s with relationships, drinking/drugs- our generation wants to feel that magic, that higher level of energy that only certain experiences can give us, and another human being the strongest drug of all. 

Think of some of the movies or shows you watch- just recently I watched the show on Netflix called “You”. If you haven’t seen it, watch it and avoid the spoilers, but to break it down in a simple form, this guy falls “in love” with a girl that brings out the worst in him, when they break up, he gets in to a relationship that is positive and helps him grow as a person, but when he re-encounters his negative ex, there is an unlining overwhelming heep of energy and electricity that comes over him. The chemistry and electricity between them is uncontrollable, and although he is a sociopath (lol) on the show you still get why he gravitates back to her- She is bad news for him but he just wants that feeling back- that passion that can’t be faked or bought (and also he is crazy- but aren’t we all!?)

Anyway- I hope you get what I mean, because I know you have all felt it in one way or another- but two tips before I come to a close:

  • Don’t do drugs
  • Don’t text your ex after reading this

Seek what gives you that magic, and never settle for anything less, but understand when it’s helping you grow or if it’s slowly pulling you from your roots. We are all seeking this level of magic but many of us forget how to manifest it ourselves.

 

 

Eudaimonia & Self-Actualization

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What does it mean when people say “To achieve happiness one must…”?

Is happiness looked at as a moment, a tangible thing, an end state of being, or is it comprised of many different experiences that are apart of an on-going journey?

We shall explore.

Many people confuse superficial pleasure with happiness. We’re constantly surrounded by tangible ways we can achieve gratification and pleasure: in order to forget our sorrows, to escape and to distract ourselves from things that make us “unhappy”. But- is the mere distraction of pleasure, a journey to happiness? If we comprise all of the moments of pleasure, the things we do, we say, we think in order to “escape”…does that achieve ultimate happiness?

Happiness should not have a time-limit. That is pleasure, not happiness. Happiness is not measured by a finite amount of time, but rather it is a result of being. It is self-reliant.

The best way to always begin is to be on the same page. Let’s define “Happiness” and “Pleasure”.

According to philosopher Dr. Aaron Ben-Zeév, “An experience consisting of mere superficial joy may include immediately rewarding, relatively short-lived pleasure. Profound happiness is typically associated with optimal functioning using and developing the agent’s essential capacities and attitudes in a systematic manner over a sustained period of time. Profound happiness is to be found in complex activities that we value for their own sake. A distinction can be drawn between superficial pleasure and profound satisfaction. Superficial pleasure is an immediately rewarding, relatively short-lived experience requiring few or no profound human capacities. Profound satisfaction involves optimal functioning, using and developing the agent’s essential capacities and attitudes. Part of profound satisfaction is the ability to overcome problems and make some progress.”(“In the Name of Love”, 2009)

Aristotle spoke in great detail about the pursuit of happiness. Aristotle believed that ” happiness depends on ourselves”. He describes happiness that comes from growing into your best possible self, by constantly improving and perfecting attributes that  make you who you are. Otherwise all you’re having is immediate gratification—which is escaping, and doesn’t grow you as a person. According to one online source, for Aristotle, however, happiness is a final end or goal that encompasses the totality of one’s life. It is not something that can be gained or lost in a few hours, like pleasurable sensations. It is more like the ultimate value of your life as lived up to this moment, measuring how well you have lived up to your full potential as a human being.

For the purposes of this blog, I want to use an ancient Greek word commonly used to describe happiness- “Eudaimonia”. This is what I believe is the true meaning, of happiness.

“Eudaimonia is not an emotional state; it is more about being all that you can, fulfilling your potential. The idea is that by living in a way that reaches your full potential you bloom or flourish and so display the best version of you that you can be”

If happiness is actually self-actualization, then why do most of us spend the majority of our time taking part in pleasure, and not self improvement? I think that in part is apart of our culture. The culture of escapism. We are afraid of facing things that hurt us, that make us disinterested or that we believe takes too much time and effort for what is actually is. But what if all those things, that make us uncomfortable and take more effort, will all develop our character and help us become self-aware. Will it be worth the wait?

I know, we’re inpatient. We want things NOW! We live in a world now where everything can come at a touch of a button. You want pizza? Here, click on the button online to order one to your door. You want to talk to your friend but don’t want to actually put in the effort of actually calling them? Here- go on facebook and talk to 100 of your friends at once. Geez, what a meaningful relationship.

We save our time and effort for a collection of mini spurts of pleasure. We are the A.D.D culture. If something cannot get to us immediately, you move on and find something else that can. We are so wanting that feeling of happiness that we are always on the mission for that hit of “happy”. It’s almost like a drug, it only lasts so long, then you want to find more ways to achieve the mini spurts of “happy”.

We jump from one thing to the next, so how can we even develop anything meaningful from it? Like “they” always say, everything worth having takes time. So do YOU. As a person, you take time to develop, and to develop you need to practice. You need to GROW. In order to grow, you need to focus on yourself in every way possible.

This is not to say you don’t need balance. Balance is essential. But how are we going to ever be happy if these mini spurts of “happy” don’t last. Maybe we are too focused on something MAKING US happy rather than being happy, does that make sense? I don’t want to sound cliche and say “Happiness is within”, although happiness is completely personal and internal, it is something that must be achieved by developing one’s self. Let’s explore further.

What do I mean by developing one’s self? Well, to put it in basic terms: Evolve what makes you, YOU. This is not only focusing on your strength’s but also your self proclaimed “weaknesses”. Self-Actualization.

Kurt Goldstein’s book The Organism: A Holistic Approach to Biology Derived from Pathological Data in Man (1939) noted that the term “Self-Actualization” was originally introduced as the motive to realize one’s full potential. Expressing one’s creativity, quest for spiritual enlightenment, pursuit of knowledge, and the desire to give to society are examples of self-actualization.

Many famous philosophers and psychologists have said that one must endure suffering, in order to obtain the virtues, characteristics and traits to pursue happiness. How does this suffering, help us grow? to evolve? What do they mean by this? Well, nothing worth having comes easy right? We all know we have the work for it, even just for the mere development of our insight towards ourselves and the world. But, we are missing the key to achieving this insight. In order to have insight, one must utilize their own virtues in everything they set out to do and experience.

There are three virtues Aristotle believed was necessary in order to achieve happiness: courage, discipline and patience.

He also claimed that: “To perceive is to suffer.” He thought “conscious insight” can often come accompanied by some pain. For this reason Aristotle acknowledged that living a happy life requires the virtues of courage, discipline, and patience. You need these three virtues to endure some of the pain which “conscious insight” brings during challenging times, so you move forward to awaken and grow into your happiest, mightiest, best self (Salmansohn, 2012) The key is perfecting traits that we already posses, in order to get us better equipped to deal with difficult situations .

So what does all this mean? it basically means if you are up to enduring the pain, the suffering and the work it needs to get to where you want to be or achieve what you set out to achieve it will have it’s benefits, in achieving happiness. It’s not as simple as 1 + 1 = 2. It’s more of state of being as a result.

For example, people who say their passion is “all things fitness”. This is a simplified example- meaning we are not looking at the person’s background, this is strictly reflecting on the person’s actions not intentions.

There are three kinds of people:

1. People that watch other people engage in fitness, nutrition and healthy lifestyle. They admire, they comment, they watch from afar. They are always wishing they could do the same but have not quite made the choice to take action.

2. People that research, read and constantly want to learn more about fitness. They are moving forward but something still holds them back from taking a chance.

3. People that DO. People that work-out, people that prep their meals, people that are living fitness. They are aware of what they are set out to do, they know there will be obstacles and move forward.

What is the difference in all these groups of people? Let’s for the sake of this say that they are all equally interested in fitness. There can be groups of people who want to achieve a greater level of fitness but have excuses, don’t think they have the time or just simply would rather day dream of achieving it- because they are afraid. Then there are people who take the next step to achieving a greater level of fitness by trying to learn more about it, but not yet made the leap- They are afraid of the obstacles ahead “what if it doesn’t work for me?”. Lastly there are those people who are enduring, living and achieving what they set their mind to- “Bring it on”.

What is the difference between Person # 3, and the other two? Well, Aristotle’s 3 virtues: courage, patience and discipline.

No matter what someone is trying to do, whether is it relationship based, career based or internal- We must encompass and practice virtues that will allow us to explore, to learn and to evolve.

So you might ask, how will these 3 virtues help us evolve? Well, lets go back to the beginning. Our every day spurts of “happy” are mainly comprised of instant gratification. Happiness is like an art, it needs to be explored, to be imagined, but also to be worked on- but all internally. Like I mentioned before, we are focusing too much on the pleasure in this moment; not the superior happiness of overcoming and achieving by constantly developing yourself. You NEED discipline. You NEED patience. You NEED courage to achieve these things. You want to write a book? Well, that takes time. You want to keep a romantic relationship going strong, that takes TIME. it takes EFFORT. It takes NOT giving up when things get tough.

All the successful insightful people you know, describe their personalities… and by successful I am not implying someone who has money, but I am talking about someone who is self-aware and happy. Someone who knows what they want and knows that they have to be knowledgeable about themselves and others around them. This knowledge is not something that one reads in an essay, or the morning paper. It is self-awareness and also comprises of compassion and empathy for others. The ability to understand yourself and others is the most powerful thing you can possess.

What does a salesman need to be successful? the ability to know his/her strengths, weaknesses and the ability to understand and appreciate other’s point of view and feelings.

What does someone in a happy, loving relationship posses? the ability to know his/her strengths, weaknesses and the ability to understand and appreciate other’s point of view and feelings.

What makes a good friend? the ability to know his strengths, weaknesses and the ability to understand and appreciate other’s point of view and feelings.

This is not like a job interview question: What are your strengths and weaknesses? This is much deeper than that. This is not specifically wanting you to give bullet points on what you are good at and what you are not good at. This is understanding that you may be someone who is open and great at taking risks, but needs work on being patient. If someone is a risk-taker but does not have the virtue of being patient, what downfalls can this have? They might be on a brink of a breakthrough idea, but don’t want to take the time and effort to keep going. This reminds me of web developers- the people who want that big break with their start up. You know how many HOURS upon HOURS these people spend in front of a computer writing code? The sleepless nights of ideas and brainstorming and typing out perfect code.. all that trial and error. They can tell you, it was not always fun and games. It took TIME. It took a lot of suffering and compromise. It took discipline, courage and patience.

I am not saying there is even a way to perfect these three virtues, but what I am saying is PRACTICING THEM will help you in the journey to happiness. This is also not to say, don’t endure in mini spurts of “happy”, but I am saying don’t let those simple gratifications take over the bigger picture. The problems will still be there whether you ignore them or not, you will not learn by ignoring. You will just stay the way that you are, unless it changes.

Take risks. It will be painful. There will be failure. It’s the journey and discovering yourself and building yourself in this journey that will make you truly happy.

Happiness, comes from being self-aware. Knowing your limits, and going beyond them. It’s how humans evolved after all… you think if we never took risks we would be here right now? It seems silly, but if we are not willing to endure in some suffering, head on, we cannot evolve. We can’t evolve if we’re constantly repressing how we feel, and repressing our thoughts of what we want to do and practicing every day compassion.

There are a few things I want to point out. I am definitely not the know it all of happiness, but the more I practice these virtues the more empowered I feel. The more I want to know more, and the more I can feel myself grow as a insightful person. 

In Summary:

1. Take the risk. If you fail, so what? You found a way that doesn’t work. Who and what are you doing it for, anyway?

2. Write down all the things that are stopping you from achieving something: it can be anything.

3. Be empathetic. Our entire existence is encompassed by relationships. If we cannot understand and appreciate how others feel and their experiences, than are we not missing out on so much? We are not living on an deserted island. Everyone can teach us something.

4. LEARN. Be knowledgeable. Read. Watch. Write. About anything and everything.

5. Go outside. To me, nature is one of the most powerful anti-depressants. We are often so cooped up inside we forget about all the beauty and life around us.

6. Reflect. Take 10 minutes a day to reflect on yourself, how you’re feeling, and why you feel the way you do, what happened that day to make you feel that way? Realizing patterns of emotions and behaviour is the key to understanding them.

7. Spend time with people that understand you.

8. ENDURE the stress and the pain of the learning process. Good things take time. When the pain is great, realize that this is a lesson that will evolve you as a person. The more range of experiences we have, the more self-aware you can become.

i hope you enjoyed reading this, as much as I learned writing it.

Go on, Dream On.

Low Carb: Spaghetti Squash “Carbonara”

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Prep Time: 15 mins

Cooking Time: 60-75 minutes

Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

  • 2 Tablespoons of butter
  • 2 Teaspoons of Pink Sea Salt or any other type of salt
  • 4-5 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 medium/large size Spaghetti Squash- seeded and halved
  • 1/2 cup of grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 3 tablespoons of dried oregano- you can add fresh ones if you want
  • 2 tablespoons of dried basil leaves
  • 2 tablespoons of dried parsley
  • 4 slices of bacon pan fried and set aside- crumbled/chopped up
  • 2 tablespoons of low fat or regular herb & garlic cream cheese
  • 2-3 Chicken Breasts- about 5oz each (no skin) cut length-wise
  • 1 cup of chopped fresh Spinach 

Instructions

1. Preheat Oven to 370 F

2. Add 1 inch of water to a baking pan then place the two halves of the (Seeded) Spaghetti Squash open faced down on a baking dish. Cover with tin foil and put in the oven.

3. While the squash is in the oven. Take a deep frying pan and place on the stove at medium heat.

4. Add in the butter, then the garlic and let simmer until garlic starts turning light golden color.

5. Slowly add in the cutup pieces of chicken breast and stir, until all the garlic mixture is mixed in with the chicken. Add in the BACON (yum).

6. When the chicken starts turning a white color on both sides, add in the salt/pepper, oregano, basil and parsley dried leaves and mix. Then add in the Parmesan cheese and stir.

7. Put the temperature on medium-low and add in the cream cheese and mix in until all the cream cheese is dissolved into the sauce.

8. Add the spinach leaves into the mixture, stir until all the spinach is coated with the sauce, let it simmer on super LOW heat. You barely want to see the sauce bubble.

9. Check on your spaghetti squash after about 60 minutes has gone by. Take it out of the oven and try to fork out a little bit of the squash. If the texture doesn’t seem soft then place it back in the oven for another 10 minutes on 375 F. If the texture is soft then take it out and let it cool down for 5 minutes.

10. Once the squash is cool enough to touch, add a dash of salt to the squash. Take a fork and fork through the squash, it should look similar to a thin spaghetti! If you find the squash very watery, try to squeeze out some of the water with paper towels after forking all of the squash out. Set aside in a bowl.

11. Take all your spaghetti squash and add it into the chicken/sauce mixture and mix it all with a tong until the sauce coats and soaks into the squash.

11. Plate and top with a sprinkle of oregano!

ENJOY!!

Low-Carb: Italian Inspired Stuffed Peppers

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Prep Time: 10 mins

Cooking Time: 30-40 mins

Serves 4

*These are rough estimates of the measurements- I don’t usually measure anything, so gage the amounts by tasting to see if you need to add more, etc*

INGREDIENTS

  • One Tablespoon butter
  • 1 red onion, chopped
  • 3-4 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 4 fresh yellow, green, orange or green Bell Peppers (Chop off stems by cutting diagonally and take out the seeds to hollow out the peppers)
  • 1 Cup Organic Tomato Sauce- Homemade is best or choose a brand with no sugar added 🙂
  • Salt- measurements depend on how much you like things salted (I used a Pink Himalayan salt to taste) 
  • 1 tablespoon of garlic and/or onion powder
  • 2 tablespoons of dried oregano- you can add fresh ones if you want
  • 2 tablespoons of dried basil leaves
  • 1-2 pounds of lean ground turkey or ground chicken
  • 12 mini slices of spicy pepperoni (you can use turkey pepperoni if you wish)
  • 2 tablespoons of herb & garlic cream cheese
  • 1 Cup approx. of freshly grated Mozzarella cheese (no measurements, add as much cheese as you want!!)
  • 2 Tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1-2 cups of chopped fresh Spinach 
  • Siracha hot sauce (depends how spicy you like it- I love it on almost everything)

Instructions

1. Add butter to a large deep skillet and heat over a medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook until tinged with brown- make sure not to burn the garlic!

2. Once the onion is translucent looking, add in the ground turkey or ground chicken to the pan and stir in with the onion mixture on medium heat. Cook until meat looks like it’s browning.

3. Add in the garlic and onion powder, stir. Then, add the basil and oregano into the mix.

4. Add in the tomato sauce to the meat on medium-medium low heat. Stir until all the meat mixture is coated and simmering in the sauce.

5. Add in the herd and garlic cream cheese, mixing with a wooden spoon until dissolved into the sauce- it should be a rose colored sauce at this point- gage the heat level, the sauce should be slowly simmering, not boiling or bubbling too much.

6. Add in the Parmesan cheese and mix in slowly while it is simmering.

7. Add the salt and spinach leaves into the mixture, stir until all the spinach is coated with the sauce, let it simmer for 5 minutes.

8. Now take your Peppers (with the stems removed and hollowed)- season them scarcely with salt and pepper. Put them on a baking pan.

9. Take a spoon and spoon in the meat and sauce mixture into the peppers. You want to put it all the way near the top but not too much that it will spill over while it’s baking.

10. Once all the peppers are stuffed, sprinkle as much Mozzarella cheese as you like, and add in those pepperoni slices on top or below, doesn’t matter.

11. Preheat oven to 375-400F

12. Place your tray of peppers into the oven, and bake for about 35-40 minutes but keep checking on them every 20 minutes to see how the peppers are looking. You don’t want to brown the pepper but more or less try to have them moist and roasted.

Take them out of the oven and let them sit for a couple minutes for all the juices to soak into the pepper, and top with Siracha hot sauce for an extra kick!

ENJOY!!

Lets Explore: Political Correctness and Freedom of Speech, Can they Coexist?

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Trust me, this blog will be more interesting than the boring title.

    If you are a living and breathing being, then you have an opinion. How often do you hear people say, “Well, that’s just my opinion…”. All of our opinions stem of somewhere; either from our up-bringing, the society we live in, our religion, gender, sexual orientation, racial and cultural makeup and so forth- but all in all- our opinions are simply based on our way of thinking about what we feel is right, or the way things should be, according to all of these underlining factors.

What I never understood was how most people in Western society (or most people in general, for that matter) think that there should be freedom of speech but also, political correctness- when it’s convenient.

What is Political Correctness? Well, according to one definition it is: “Demonstrating progressive ideals, especially by avoiding vocabulary that is considered offensive, discriminatory, or judgmental, especially concerning race, gender, religion, values, etc.”

Now, let’s examine the definition for Freedom of Speech: “Freedom of speech is the political right to communicate one’s opinions and ideas using one’s body and property to anyone. The term freedom of expression is sometimes used synonymously, but includes any act of seeking, receiving and imparting information or ideas, regardless of the medium used”.

Just a quick scroll through articles posted on my Facebook, and other articles online, I am constantly seeing titles on articles like, “People are outraged over Superman pajamas for children” and “Top 10 things you should never talk about at work”.

Before you think it- Yes, I agree that there should be a time and place for everything. For the purpose of this discussion, I am not talking about completely “inappropriate” and vulgar behavior being simply a “freedom of speech”; no one said the freedom of speech would be tasteful. What I am saying is, people all have opinions- on EVERYTHING, but yet when something pops up that they don’t agree with or they think everyone should not agree with, its like World War III just started. For example, the store Target recently pulled their line of children’s pajamas off their racks, because the Superman inspired boys PJ’s had “Future Superhero” printed on it, while the girl’s Superman PJ’s read “I only date superheroes”. Sounds innocent right? Well, some people went on a rampage because they thought it was sexist towards girls, and sending the wrong message. I am sorry, but do these parents watch the television programs and read the books that their children are reading? It has GENDER ROLES written all over them. Why is it that every single dish washer liquid commercial has a woman in it, and no men? Gender stereotypes are EVERYWHERE.

OKAY. So, this is not to say that I necessarily agree that just because gender stereotypes are in one place, that it is okay that they are somewhere else. What I DO think is people make such a big deal out of the smallest things- before really thinking it through. It’s like one person says it’s wrong, and you have 1000+ people jumping on the bandwagon- because if a lot of people think its wrong, its wrong right? Hmmm, not quite. I personally think those PJ’s are cute, and just because a little girl would wear PJ’s that say “I only date superheroes” doesn’t mean she’s not a superhero herself, heck if she is dating superheroes chances are she is one heck of a catch on her own!

Anyway, this blog is not about children’s pajamas. What it is about is the contradiction between these two highly regarded ideals, that she would be able to speak and show how we feel and think freely, but at the same time, you must be extra careful not to offend.

Is the person’s intention important? A lot of people say that if their intentions are “right” then it should not offend- but that in itself is subjective! Someone may think one idea or statement portrays the right intention but that intention is how they PERCIEVE right and wrong intention. Ok, my head hurts. I’ll move on.

I guarantee if I wrote something as simple as “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” it would actually offend some people. I can just see it now, people saying “No! Apples are high in sugar and may cause diabetes! This must be stopped!” Haha, I know… I know… a little over the top, but you get my point…hopefully?

As compassionate and empathetic humans, we should (there’s that should word again) be considerate of other people’s feelings, and never deliberately put someone down. But, with that said, it seems as though it’s spun out of control… everrrrrything just seems to offend everrrryone these days. It’s like were afraid to open our mouths at any given point. Wouldn’t you think that if people had the chance to speak their minds, and be comfortable and open with how they thought, people would respect it and try to understand where that person is coming from? I guess we can’t and the reason is simple. Let’s go back to the beginning.

Everyone is raised differently, with different values, bias and experiences. We can be two people born in the same city, be the same age and even have the same racial background, but yet be two COMPLETELY different people in every way possible. So no, we can’t expect people to agree but at the same time cant we agree to disagree, without blowing up social media headlines on how these damn PJ’s are going to ruin our children’s life forever?!

Aren’t there more demanding and necessary things to worry about? Like, Does my child/friend/significant other feel comfortable enough to tell me how they feel, if they are depressed, happy or curious? Are people around me afraid to tell me their true opinion about my relationship and my work ethic, if I whole heartedly ask them for their advice? I think it’s pretty obvious by just reflecting on how WE respond to other’s words, actions and questions is where we find ourselves CONSTANTLY biting our tongues- maybe even “sugar coating” our responses a bit. It may be to save yourself some grief and arguing, but sometimes doesn’t it feel like you just WANT to know the other person’s actual opinion. Straight up.

I find this concept of “sugar coating” and censorship of our ideas different in different cultures. From my travel experiences, I am often fascinated with how people interact in different societies, and what is and is not social acceptable ways of communicating. When I was in Eastern Europe, I met two women who were talking to each other, and about how they have not seen each other in years. Their sense of openness thrilled me. The one lady said to her distant friend “What happened to you, you got so fat from the last time I saw you”. She said this to her friend in a very matter-of-fact way, it was not meant to be funny OR even insulting. The other woman responded, “I know, I eat too much now, too much stress”. I was floored. The woman had just been called “fat” and she didn’t even twitch, frown, laugh or even question the other lady. It was like, yeah, so what? I have noticed this sense of open and bluntness among different cultures, and it’s fascinating! It made me think why is this brushed off, but back home people would be writing e-mails to their board of ethics about this! I am not saying what she said was right or okay- what I am saying is; this lady was obviously not offended. She took it as her friend’s honest opinion and moved on without it fazing her. I even asked her if what her friend had told her bothered her in any way, and she replied, “No, she is just an honest person”.

We can talk forever about appropriateness of opinions and spreading horrible negative commentary that will forever ruin man kind, but that is not the point. The point is, in the society I happen to live in, people are afraid to say what they want to say- what their mind is saying internally. It can be ANYTHING. We’re constantly slammed by media, corporate law, educational systems and ideologues of the perfect family telling us that there are certain things you CAN say, and there are certain things you should NOT say unless you want to be shunned by society and isolated for a very long time. But isn’t the mere action of making someone else feel inferior because of their opinion perpetuate the same thing? When we shun someone that says something that we do not agree with- what do we do? We either ignore attack or isolate. We tend not to discuss, understand and explore. That goes for me as well; we are all guilty of it.

There is always going to be those “touchy” subjects, but it’s how we ourselves approach those subjects that cause this sense of anxiety or anger.

For me, I am offended when people speak in ways that put females on lower hierarchical scale than men. Everyone that knows me knows I’m in some way or another “feminist”. With that said though, I know that the people who have a different thought processes than me in regards to women and men being equal, actually SEE things differently. Instead of raging, in which I may, I also try to understand WHY. If you have read my other blog post, you know I love asking WHY, I am a natural born philosopher-after all. There are reasons why someone feels strongly toward one angle than another, and often times we fail to explore that because we “don’t care” or because we are “too offended” with what the other end of it has to say.

I will leave this for you to think about. But, I am telling you one mini-story first.

As I mentioned before, I am a social worker, so yes I have many stories about other people’s life experiences. There was an elderly woman whose family I have worked with off and on. She was in the early stages of dementia (in this case she was still very alert, and coherent with her thought processes) and her family needed a lot of support and guidance. I remember the first few times this elderly lady came in to my office with her daughter; she would yell and scream at some of our volunteers. These volunteers were young adults with some sort of visible physical disability. They would come volunteer a couple times a week. Now, what she would yell at these innocent teenagers was appalling. She would call him “retarded” and yell “Get me out of here; I want nothing to do with these sick, retarded people”. As you can imagine, people were shocked at what she was saying, I mean this woman was still clearly coherent and aware of what she was saying, and was clearly angry. Later that week, I needed to address this with her daughter, so I called her to offer my support. Her daughter broke down and cried. When I asked her about the incident, she opened up to me and told me that her mother was in fact in the Holocaust camps in Poland. She told me that her mother has always had a negative view of persons with disabilities because it reminds her of all the people that were left at the camps, unable to do anything and unable to survive on their own. This upset this lady. It brought her back to a time where she was in constant fear, and needed to be as physically strong and healthy looking as possible in order to live to see another day. This was eye opening. Here we were, looking at this lady as if she is an evil, inconsiderate inhumane person, and we had no idea WHY she felt this way. This was not a forward blunt act to offend and hurt these kids; it was almost a cry out for help. We needed this context, and sometimes even with the context we still cannot fathom why people think they way that they do.

Again, this is one complex example, but it shows you even if you know someone for 5 years or 5 minutes, you have no idea what they have experienced in the 10-20-30-100 years before you met them…

Speak your mind. Explore others.

Written By: Emma Rezaei

Low-Carb Green Thai Curry Recipe

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This low-carb-high protein meal is a simple dish that packs a major punch 🙂

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 Prep Time: 10-15 mins

Cooking Time: 30-45 mins

Serves 4 (or 2 if you’re a beast)

INGREDIENTS

  • 2 tablespoons coconut oil or butter
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 3-4 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 3-4 Tablespoons of fresh grated ginger
  • 1-13.5 oz can coconut milk
  • 2-3 tablespoons Green curry paste or Green Thai Curry Powder
  • 1 1/2 lbs chicken breast, sliced thinly
  • 2 tablespoons of Thai Fish Sauce
  • 1-2 tablespoon peanut butter
  • 3 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 2 cups of mixed veggies anything you want to add in the mix. If you’re lazy, you can always throw in a bag of frozen oriental style veggies
  • 1 cup loosely packed, fresh basil leaves, roughly chopped
  • Siracha hot sauce and/or cayenne pepper (depends how spicy you like it)

Instructions

1. Add coconut oil or butter to a large deep skillet and heat over a medium-high heat. Add onion and garlic and cook until tinged with brown.

2. Once the onion is translucent looking, add in the ginger and stir. Let the flavors mix in for a minute over medium heat, be careful not to burn the ginger.

3. Add in the sliced chicken breasts. Mix and let cook for about 10 minutes, or until the chicken is all white looking.

4. Once the chicken is cooked thoroughly, add the green curry paste or curry powder and mix in with the chicken. Stir until the curry paste/powder is dissolved and fragrant

5. Add the peanut butter, Siracha hot sauce or cayenne pepper, and the lemon juice to the mix. Be sure to mix peanut butter to coat all the chicken.

6. Add 1/4 of a can of Coconut Milk and another tablespoon of Green Curry Paste to skillet. Stir until curry paste is dissolved and fragrant.

7. Add remaining can of Coconut Milk, and fish sauce while stirring.

8. Add your veggies or frozen veggies and mix.

9. Let simmer for 30-45 mins on LOW heat. You want all the flavors to develop.

Add Basil and service immediately.

ENJOY!!