Author: missysacat

Disclaimer: This blog post contains various links that I am not affiliated with. I decided to include them for educational purposes. I am also in no way shape or form personally connected to ISKCON or any other religious organisation and I do not represent them.

I’ve always been interested in different cultures and religions. I’ve always been fascinated by certain practices that some religions use as a way to achieve a higher consciousness. Some tribes drink plant-based drinks that make you hallucinate, people in Hinduism and Buddhism meditate and the Dervish whirl around.

I enjoy studying things like that, I really like learning about new things because I’m fascinated by it. Growing up I wasn’t overly religious, my mums side of the family consists of christians and my dads family is muslim. One of my first ever memories is from one of the times my dad took me to our local mosque, I must’ve been around 1.5 years at the time. What I’m trying to say here is, I grew up with two religions without being very religious myself, even tho I used to always ask my family questions about certain rituals, suras or verses from the bible.

I do believe in some higher power, energy or being being behind the existence of the universe. I do believe in evolution but I also believe in some kind of creator of the universe.

Besides that mosque memory another very early childhood memory of mine is one of being at the place of one of my uncles. He had this massive orange wall cloth which had some stuff written on it. Me being a kid, I obviously couldn’t read it but I can remember asking my uncle to read it to me which he did. That was the first time I ever heard the Maha Mantra. Again, I must’ve been around three or four years old at that time, I didn’t make anything of it, I’m not even sure why I remember that day so clearly to be honest.

Moving on to 10 or 11 year old me, my mum gave me this book called „City Indians“ by Chris Wroblewski which is about youth tribes like punks, skins, krishnas, sics, etc. Ever since I was really little I remember my mum having colorful hair and my dad wearing Dr. Martens and stripey jeans, which means I was already used to the piercings, mohawks and tattoos shown in the book. Another „tribe“ that I immediately recognised were the Krishna’s tho, because I could remember my uncle being one of them. So I proceeded to ask my parents questions on them, concerning their religion and their appearance. I also went to the public library and got myself a Bhagavad Gita. Reading the Bhagavad Gita was a struggle, not only did I have to read it in English, which forced me to look every other word up, it is also a very philosophical. The end oft he story was that I ended up reading it about three times (it has more than 700 pages) and I didn’t even get half of what the Bhagavad Gita is talking about.

What I did take from it tho, is meditation. I started meditating, I at least tried to. I wasn’t very successful and that’s why I stopped meditating after a while.

Life moved on, I moved into a punk squat and I focused most of my energy on politics, trying to make the world a better place really. I didn’t meditate, but I was still very interested in different religions and in a spiritual lifestyle. I was interested in everything, I snuck into the library to read books about all kinds of things but I wasn’t actively doing something with my own life. I was just on this pretty intense self-education trip.

One oft he guys I lived with in the Squat was very interested in eastern religions and especially hinduism. He knew a lot of things I didn’t and we would spent hours together just talking about different Hindu religions.

Couple of years later I found myself in London, London is known to be a melting pot for different cultures and people, there’s nothing and nobody you can’t find in London. At that time I wasn’t really that interested in religion. I was really into all kinds of subculture, political activism and body modification. That is until I started spending more and more time in Camden.

If you’ve ever been to London you probably know what I am talking about. Chances that you’ll encounter at least a small group of Hare Krishna’s walking the streets of Camden Town chanting are pretty high. I ended up seeing them what felt like every day, I didn’t try to talk to them or anything because they were busy chanting the Maha Mantra and I was busy being with mates.

I mean I knew who they were, I knew the basics of why they were doing what they were doing but it still peaked my interest. One day, when I was on my way back home, there was this one Hare Krishna guy distributing the Bhagavad Gita just outside my tube station and I ended up with a Bhagavad Gita myself. I didn’t read it for like a year because I was still traumatised from my first three experiences of trying to read it. When I did end up reading it I couldn’t stop. I was reading constantly. I also got the S’rîmad Bhâgavatam books from a friend and read them as well. Whilst I wasn’t really interested in the theological aspects of it I was really into the philosophical aspects. I mean the world we live in being an illusion (Maya) is pretty much a philosophical way to describe the Simulation hypothesis. Keep in mind that the Bahamas Gita is way older that this hypothesis tho!

The philosophical aspects really got me, and I talked to people I knew were also really into Philosophy about it and we just got really into it.

None of us ever went to a temple or did anything for religious reasons but we all started meditating.

I picked it back up and figured that it actually started to work for me. I also started doing yoga in the morning and I meditated in the evening and I was just feeling really good about everything really. I had to give the S’rîmad Bhâgavatam back to my mate, but I was fine with it, I mean I was kind of sad but the books weren’t mine and they’re pretty expensive. I didn’t end up buying them for myself because I was broke.

Couple of years later, I’m back in Germany and still meditating and practicing Yoga. At this point meditation works a lot better for me than in did when I first started. I feel like I am able to free my mind whilst meditating and it puts me in a very clear but relaxed state.

That’s when I decided to try Mantra Meditation. Guess which Mantra I decided to meditate with? The Maha Mantra, simply because it seems to always play some kind of role in my life and I had read so many books about Krishna conciousness that I just figured to put some of my „knowledge“ to use.

Well, meditating whilst chanting the Maha Mantra didn’t work out as I expected it to. I definitely did get into a meditative state but I also started seeing things. Seeing things during meditation, like colors or an eye isn’t that uncommon, it actually happens to a lot of people. It is basically your brain filling „gaps“ that you create by meditating. There are many spiritual and scientific explanations for what can cause these Hallucinations (Hypnagogia for example). It has happened to me before, because as stated earlier, it’s quite common and a totally normal thing that just happens.

What happened during the Mantra Meditation had never happened to me before tho. I didn’t see the things I usually see, I started seeing full-blown landscapes, places that I don’t actually remember being. I also saw people who I don’t think I know. The thing is, it can just be your subconsciousness showing you things that you’ve seen before but didn’t really register.

Anyways, I figured to just move on from it and I continued my Mantra Mediation Ritual. For a couple of weeks I did my daily Mantra Meditation with the Maha Mantra. The hallucinations during meditation didn’t stop tho, they seemed to become clearer. I did the next logical thing and switched to the “Om Mani Padme Hum” which is a Buddhist Mantra. Guess what? No weird hallucinations.

That really bugged me, I am a very logical thinker and I really want to know the cause of things so I went online and looked for an explanation. I couldn’t find anything.

The position I found myself in was quite weird, I had been meditation for years, I had experienced some very common hallucinations that you could easily explain and then I had these weirdly intense hallucinations which only occurred when I was chanting the Maha Mantra whilst meditating.

I like to get to the bottom of things, I really do. I don’t like not liking the answer to something. So I went on YouTube, and i searched up every single term I could think of that could maybe explain my experiences. Thais when I stumbled across Ananda Krsna a Hare Krishna Monk who makes YouTube videos. I ended up binge watching almost all of his videos, I watched them at home, on my way to work, whilst cleaning, whilst I taking a bath, etc. I was just constantly watching them because I was hoping for an explanation.

After watching about 300 of his 395 Videos (and some of them are like an hour-long) I still didn’t know what was going on. I decided to ask Ananda directly, simply because I figured that he could maybe be tell me something about this phenomenon. Hare Krishnas, or Krishna consciousness people chant the Maha Mantra every day. They do 16 rounds on a 108 bead Mala which means they repeat the Maha Mantra at least 1728 times a day. Ananda has also been living in different temples since 2001, he’s been studying and practicing a Krishna conscious lifestyle for much longer than I have. In my mind I was like, well if I can’t find an explanation or at least a theory for whatever this is I might just ask someone who knows way more than I do.

I reached out to him and told him about my situation. He got back to me two days after I reached out to him and his response was „I’m always here to help if someone needs my help but I can’t tell you much about that sadly. I can only tell you about my own spiritual practice and my own experiences and about what the Vedas explain. I don’t know what to make out of your described experiences and I don’t know where visions like that come from, I don’t know how or where to categorise them. Visions like that aren’t what we want to happen in our spiritual life, we want to develop love for Krishna (God) and a clear consciousness. I’m really sorry but I can’t tell you much about that (what you’ve experienced), just keep chanting and you’ll see how it all develops. If it gets worse or i fit gets better or if Krishna arranges other/different things for you but keep chanting. Primarily what we should do is listen (whilst chanting) we shouldn’t think or have visions whilst doing it“.

His reply didn’t include any real answer to my “problem” but at the same time I felt more confident about continuing Mantra meditation.

So far, nothing has changed. Im still having these weirdly intense hallucinations during chanting the Maha Mantra and they haven’t really „told“ or „taught“ me anything either. I mean, personally, I don’t really believe in things like that but I also haven’t found an explanation If one of you guys has ever experienced something like that please feel free to message me on here or on IG or whatever way you’re comfortable with. I’d be really interested in your experiences.

In the end, I maybe didn’t get the ultimate answer I was hoping for, but I did learn a lot about the Hare Krishna movement and I could also refresh and expand my knowledge concerning the Bhagavad Gita and the S’rîmad Bhâgavatam. I’m still very interested in religions in general and in spiritual practices. Even if my Maha Mantra Meditation experiences left me with more questions than answers, meditation itself is a very powerful, calming and freeing experience that I can only recommend. It’s definitly worth trying.

I also want to thank Ananda, for trying to help me unravel the “mysterious” hallucinations and for making me think about philosophy a bit more in daily life. Feel free to check out Anandas Youtube Channel if you want to learn more about the Hare Krishna movement or the philophical theories and thoughts behind it.

All the best to all of you!

Love, Zainab

„I wish I looked like you“, „I wish I was as pretty as you“, „Goals af“, „I want your hair“, etc. Are comments that I get on a daily, whilst getting comments like that is nice it also makes me slightly sad because the people commenting are obviously unhappy with the way they (or parts of themselves) look. There’s certainly people on this planet whose beauty I admire, nothing wrong with that but ultimately – I wouldn’t actually like to look like them. I am happy with the way I look, I also don’t think that wearing make-up means that your self-conscious or that you don’t like the way you look. There’s certainly people who use make-up to hide but I feel like most people wear it to express themselves or to enhance certain features. Anyways, moving past the whole make-up discussion, how can you actually become more confident? I can, as always, only speak about my own experiences when it comes to this topic.

There was a time in my life where I wasn’t confident at all, it was shortly after a really bad breakup/relationship. (If you want to read about that topic, check the „Love & Relationships“ blog)

Building up confidence has a lot to do with loving and accepting yourself, it’s hard to be confident when you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

If I have a bad day, something that always helps me is working out, even tho it can be very hard to build up the motivation to actually do it. In the end, it always makes me feel better tho, working out releases Dopamine, a chemical produced that your brain produces that makes you happy.

Whilst working out is something that definitely helps you feel better on a bad day it doesn’t necessarily make you more confident in everyday life.

Being confident and loving yourself is something you can compare to a mindset, in order to be or to feel it you need to know your own worth.

If you are surrounded by people who don’t appreciate you and who take everything you do for granted, it can be very hard to see your own potential.

Having people in your life that you can trust is important but you shoudln’t surround yourself with negative people just because you are scared of being alone. I’m not telling you to become some kind of social recluse but being alone with yourself and your thoughts can help you to figure yourself out. The process of getting to know yourself isn’t easy, you’ll figure out things about yourself that you don’t like but you can only work on them if you know them. The key to everything is self-reflection, it’s a skill that doesn’t always make you feel good but it does help you come clean with yourself which will make you feel a whole lot better.

You’ll get to know your strengths and your weaknesses, focus on your strengths and work on the things you don’t like about yourself. The better you know yourself, the better you self-reflect the more immune you’ll become to the mean and untrue things people may throw your way. That’s simply because you’ll realise that they aren’t true, the people who put you down may do it to feel better about themselves, they may do it because they’ve been hurt in the past and don’t know how to deal with it. There are millions of reasons why some people act that way but those reasons aren’t excuses. Don’t be immune to constructive critique but you don’t put yourself down because of it, it gives you the possibility to grow after all. 

Your happiness shouldn’t depend on other people, just because you’re 28 and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you. There’s nothing wrong with you, even if the world maybe makes you feel that way, it’s their loss in the end. Don’t let it put you down, remember how many good traits you have, the things you love doing, nobody can ever take that away from you. We’re all unique, your mind is your mind and nobody knows what it’s like to be you, how you see the world. Nobody can take that away from you, people can hurt you in the worst ways and still, that spark inside of you that makes you you, will always be there.

Be positive, try to think positive, life goes on, don’t dwell on mistakes you have made in the past, there’s nothing you can do about them anyways. The future is right in front of you, it holds thousands of possibilities that you won’t even think are possible. Your life is your life, you can decide what you want to do with it. It really ain’t nobody elses business but your own, there are a million different ways to live life. Mainstream society may be confused with you, certain groups of people may reject you but that’s probably only because they don’t understand you. People can be cruel, kids can be cruel. There was this one boy back in primary school who got bullied by a lot of kids, he was super quiet and didn’t dress like the stereotypical boy, I met him a couple of days ago at the supermarket and he actually works for a high-fashion brand now. The point is, don’t let other people break you, it may feel like things will never get better but they surely will.

„Et kütt wie et kütt un et hätt noch immer jot jejange.“ („What will be, will be and it’s always worked out fine before“) is something that you say in the city I grew up in. I truly think that there’s a lot of truth behind those words. The art is not to let whatever life throws your way break you. Stay true to yourself, always self-reflect and don’t let other people’s negativity hinder you from doing the things you want to do.

Don’t try to please people you don’t even know. Why do we even care about what people think of us? If you feel good wearing that crop top, just wear it! You bought it because you liked it and then you end up not wearing it because you are scared that people you don’t know may think it doesn’t suit you. You end up wearing something in which you blend in even tho that top made you feel amazing at home.

There’s no standard to beauty, there are people we tend to be attracted to at first glance but what makes someone beautiful is their character, you don’t fall in love with someone elses body, you fall in love with someone elses mind and you stay with them for the rest of your life.

To be more confident you need to get to know yourself, you need to be yourself so you can meet people who will appreciate and understand you just the way you are.

A really quick way to build up your confidence (even tho it ain’t easy) is to put yourself into situations you usually avoid, if you master those situations you will immediately feel a whole lot better and more sure of yourself.

The thing is, you can do a whole lot more than you’ve ever thought, we tend to put ourselves down because we don’t want to build up hopes that may get crushed. It’s a very thin line to walk on really, it can save us a lot of disappointment but it also puts us in a pretty dark place of rigidity. We see the people we went to school with doing really cool things, whilst we ourselves are always trying to play it safe which makes us rigid. We don’t get to the places in life we wanted to be at because we are scared of getting our dreams crushed, seeing other people live their dreams makes us question why we haven’t done it yet, which then leads to us being disappointed in ourselves and losing our self-confidence. It’s a vicious circle. In order to achieve something you need to take risks, failing at something doesn’t mean that you’re unable to do it right or that you’re stupid, it just means that you maybe weren’t ready for it yet.

We take things too seriously, we take other people’s opinions to heart and end up being very negative and very strict with ourselves. We tend to live in the past, we’re scared of other people figuring out our darkest secrets and flaws because we don’t want them to think badly of us and we don’t want to be confronted with them. That’s why I think coming clean with yourself and self-reflection are so important, you can’t change the past but you can decide who you want to be in the future. When you get to know yourself, when you become accepting of yourself and when you learn to love yourself you’ll automatically know your worth and you’ll be able to deal with a lot more situations in a much more confident way. You’ll be able to stand above a lot of negative things that life throws at you.

Looks aren’t worth anything in the long run, how many friends you had during high-school doesn’t matter in adult life, your past has already happened and can’t be changed but you are in charge of your own future, you are beautiful and able to do anything as long as you don’t lose hope.

Always remember: „Et kütt wie et kütt un et hätt noch immer jot jejange.“ („What will be, will be and it’s always worked out fine before“)

Lots of love, Zainab 🙂

I am truly overwhelmed by the response I got for my last post, I am very happy that so many of you enjoyed reading it and that it seems to have helped some of you too. It was a quite personal topic that was definitely hard to write about but it was definitely worth it!

A lot of people have also come forward and asked me how to write an article/blog post, since they want to start blogging themselves. I am not sure if I truly am the right person to ask because I have basically just started this blog, I’ll do my best to explain how I approach writing/being creative in general tho!

Right now it’s 3am, I am sitting in my mates garden with my laptop on my lap, I honestly didn’t plan on writing anything today but I feel like you should embrace creativity when it comes to you. So this is exactly what I am doing (or trying to do) right now. I always take my Laptop or at least a small sketchbook with me, that way I can write everything that comes to my mind down. One thing that I’ve learned about myself is that I am most creative in the middle of the night, quite literally. Me waking up at 2am in the morning and being full of ideas is quite common, that’s why I ALWAYS carry pens (or at least an eyeliner pen) around.

When it comes to creativity in general I believe that every human is born creative. Some of us just lose this creativity whilst growing up, which is quite sad. Creativity itself is very individual, it also (in my humble opinion) has nothing to do with how good we actually are at something.

Every child is born with pretty much the same set of „creative skills“, some find pleasure in painting, some in drawing, some in dancing, some in singing, some in playing the trumpet. Fact is that nobodys really good at it at first. Being creative and being fearless in that creativity gives us the chance to get better at the things we enjoy tho. Everybodys gotta practise and nobody can be good at everything, that’s simply the case because nobodys can be interested in everything at the same time. We just can’t be, if we were our brains would probably explode out of heads.

Personally, I don’t even believe in talent. I mean there’s definitely people out there who don’t have to practise as much as other people to reach a certain level of whatever skill, the ability to become a master of whatever skill lies within us all tho.

If you for example, want to paint something, you know exactly what you want your painting to look like but you keep failing at actually making it look „right“ whilst painting it. Could be the case that you can’t do it because you haven’t acquired the skills that it takes to paint it yet. That doesn’t mean that you are not creative or „talented“, quite the opposite is the case really. You are creative but you probably need to practise more before you can make the painting look „right“.

What you should ask yourself is why you haven’t acquired the skills to paint that painting yet. Could be because you just got into art fairly recently but what could also be the case is that you have always been into painting but you were never encouraged to do it yourself. Loads of people say/think that artists make no money, so why should anyone waste their time on something that will never earn them anything? Point is, if you keep painting, you will get better and better at it and one day you will be one of the best and you’ll maybe even able to live off it. The same people who were giving you shit for spending so much time on something „that won’t get you anywhere“ will recognise you for something that you love and like to be recognised for rather than for your deadbeat job at the local gas station.

I dropped out of school 3 months before finals, not because my grades were shit or because I thought that I wouldn’t be able to pass finals. I am pretty sure that finals would have been fairly easy for me to be honest. I dropped out because I had already reached the required level of education that was needed in order to study Social Work. There was really no point in staying in my crappy little flat in Germany. I didn’t see the point of going to school anymore, I knew what I wanted and that was moving to London. So I did just that, despite having teachers and other students (and even some of my friends) telling me that I was about to make “the biggest mistake of my life”. I don’t regret leaving school, it gave me the opportunity to focus on the things that I actually like doing. Back when I was in school I didn’t even have the time to do half of the things I was interested in.

I spent the first week after dropping out locked in my flat painting. I painted my old furniture, guitars, canvases, basically everything I could get my hands on. Later on I put everything up on eBay, I was about to move countries so didn’t really need any of my old stuff anymore anyways. Someone even bought this massive wooden table that I painted millions of little flowers on, which was incredibly exciting because I was pretty sure that nobody would buy it simply because of its size. Ironically, the guy who bought it was my old Latin teacher, the same guy who had literally told me that I would end up in the gutter if I dropped out of school.

What I am basically trying to tell you guys is that no matter how many people raise their eyebrows at your decisions, don’t let them stop you from pursuing your dreams. Don’t be afraid of failing, failing at something ain’t nice but it makes you grow as a person. If you never try something new because you are afraid of failing you already have failed.

Our time on this planet is very limited, I can only speak for myself but I would far rather live a short but happy life than a long miserable one. Creativity is in within all of us, we just need to be brave enough to make decisions that are based on our creative visions rather than on what some teacher or our (grand)parents told us. There’s really no key to it, I can only tell you how it is for me personally, you need to explore how your creativity works yourself. When it comes to writing my blog I just wait till I get some kind of idea, I sit down and write everything in one go and after that I move on to whatever I was actually planning on doing. I don’t set myself any deadlines when it comes to writing my blog. I do edit my blogs before posting them tho, mainly because I sometimes forget to finish a sentence before moving onto the next one whilst writing. The ideas and the actual writing part happen whenever my brain tells me to write and the part where I structure (and re-write some stuff) usually happens a couple of days after the actual writing process. I hope this post answered some of your questions, and as always, I hope all of you have/had a nice day!

Writing this was way harder than I could have ever imagined. I hope you guys like what my brain and me have come up with tho.

I can, of course, only speak for myself when it comes to this but I personally, crush on people kinda easily but I very rarely fall in love. To be honest, I think I’ve only ever truly been in love with my first serious boyfriend.

Falling in love is way easier than being in love. In order to be in love with someone, in order to make a relationship work, you don’t only need to love the other person but you need to love yourself. A relationship can only work if both people involved know their self-worth, I mean if you feel like you’re worth shit you will let people walk over you and you probably won’t stand up for yourself, which is something that you definitely need to be able to do.

I am pretty sure that some of my past relationships didn’t work out because I was struggling with myself, I was struggling with loving who I am as a person, with loving my body etc. It’s really hard to accept the fact that someone loves you if you feel unlovable.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t start a relationship if you’re struggling with something or if you’re not feeling well about yourself. Everybodys different and it may even help you, I can only speak for myself when it comes to this. But for me personally, to start a relationship I need to be in a good place mentally, otherwise I won’t be able to make it work even if the guy I’m with at that time is a really good guy.

My first ever serious boyfriend was 21 years older than me, when we got together I didn’t know how old he was and he didn’t know how old I was. He looked younger than he actually was and I looked older. When we discovered how big the age gap between us was we were both shocked but already in love so it didn’t stop us from continuing the relationship. I was still in school and he was living in an illegal squat and went through bins to get something to eat, the odds were pretty much against us but we made it work. Our relationship was really great for the first 9 months I think, we were in love, we loved spending time together, we did everything together and we were both very comfortable around each other. Then I moved away, which means that we only ever saw each other on the weekends. At the same time, the police started coming into the squad more often and arrested the people living there on multiple occasions. Everything just got harder and harder and he also started drinking more. He had been an alcoholic for about 25 years when I met him but when the squat started turning into a really unsafe place his drinking got really outta control. He got into (physical) fights with other people who lived there, people who I was and still am friends with. One time when we were chilling in this one guys flat in the squad he got black out drunk and fell asleep. I was just sitting next to him, I was talking to the other people who were there and we were having a really good time. Then suddenly he woke up, he started hitting me so hard a mate of mine literally knocked him out to protect me. Thats when things got really bad, he moved in with this really fucked up girl and he cheated on me. He was really drunk when he did it and called me the second he realised what he had done, I told him that we need to break up because he cheated on me. He ended up trying to kill himself, the hospital called me because he didn’t have any kind of health insurance, (when you live in a squad you have a place to live but legally, you are homeless) so me and a few other guys paid his hospital bill.

I met up with him one last time, talked to him and he told me that he’d move to the city I was living in at that point. After that, I got a few drunken phone calls from him where he was crying and talking about stuff that didn’t make sense but I never saw him again. None of us actually saw him again, a friend of a friend once told me that he met him in Berlin but I am not sure if that’s actually true.

Anyways, that was like my first proper relationship, I am still sure that he loved me and I am also sure that I loved him. The relationship, the way it ended, made me feel like shit tho. It wasn’t just that I lost someone who I truly loved, I was just really hurt by the circumstances and I started doubting myself. I was really young, way younger than him and I had given him everything I had to offer and he cheated on me with a literal wreck of a woman. He cheated on me with an alcoholic, drug addicted mother of three whose kids got taken away by social services. For the longest time I just didn’t get it, I mean getting cheated on is always a shit feeling, but if the girl he had cheated with was some kind of supermodel I would’ve been like “yea well, she’s just way prettier than me”, but since he cheated on with a girl who was a literal wreck (she was one mentally and she also looked it like) I was just asking myself what had made him do it. It basically put me in a place where I questioned everything I had previously liked about myself. I felt ugly, I felt unbelievably unattractive and I felt like nobody would ever love me again. I started dating loads of guys to make myself feel better, I was basically begging for approval. At the same time, I also couldn’t accept any compliments, I couldn’t accept any kind of positive attention because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t enjoy any kind of attention and I was still craving it for some reason. I wanted guys to like me, I wanted to be loved but I also couldn’t accept the fact that some of the guys I went out with actually liked me. And that was simply because I didn’t get why they liked me, I felt like nobody should/could ever like anything about me.

After that relationship I didn’t have Sex for the longest time, I couldn’t let anybody touch me because everything just felt wrong. I mean something must have driven the guy I loved away right? What if it was my body? I just didn’t wanna share anything of myself.

The next serious relationship after the one I just talked about I got cheated on too, which basically made all the bad feelings resurface. Thats actually why I haven’t dated anyone in the longest time now. I just don’t feel ready to go through all of this bullshit again. I mean if I met the guy of my dreams tomorrow and if he liked me back, I would probably give it a shot but right now, I’m just not actively looking for a boyfriend.

I don’t necessarily belive in love at the first sight, I mean you can feel drawn to another person from the second you met them. Personally don’t think that I could fall in love that fast. But I am also not very romantic, there’s times when I’m like “yea, would be nice if there was someone who would put rose petals all over the bed to surprise me” but I don’t know if that’ll ever happen and I also don’t want to get my hopes up. Whatever happens probably happens for a reason. I don’t know if there’s someone out there who’ll want to spend their life with me and I don’t know if I’d like to spend my life with that someone. I’d like to think so, I defiantly want to have kids in a couple of years and I’d love to have someone to share everything with, someone who I can trust. But you can’t force things to happen and I’m still young, I’m not worrying about that kinda stuff right now.

I hope you guys like what I wrote, I feel like I got a bit off topic but I just didn’t know what else to write. I’m pretty sure I would’ve come up with something more clever if I was like 80 or at least a bit more experienced when it comes to this whole topic.

Love for me has something to do with being able to trust that person with everything. In order to accept someone elses love and in order to give someone my love I need to feel save. I definitely do have some kind of trust issues because of my past experiences but you can’t let them get the upper hand, you gotta fight against them. Just because someone has treated you like shit before doesn’t mean the next persons gonna do the same. If you don’t feel ready to trust the person you’re seeing, you’re simply not ready for a relationship just yet.

Being single is nothing to be ashamed about, being single doesn’t automatically mean nobody wants you, being single means you don’t just start a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and I think that itself speaks for a person.

Anyways, thank you for reading!

Hey guys, 

Over the last few weeks the number of comments, dms, sc messages of some of you saying stuff like “I wanna look like you”, “I wanna be you”, “I wish I was (like) you” etc. skyrocketed. Whilst I do get that most of you guys only mean it as a compliment, I am also pretty certain that some of you are actually being serious. 

Theres two things I wanna tell you, I take sh*t tonnes of pictures and only upload a few, like out of 100 pictures I take about 3 or 4 will actually “make it” to Instagram. And I do use filters on IG, I change the contrast, change the shadows and highlights etc. What I am trying to say here is, that in reality I dont always look like I do on most posts on IG. I dont always wear a full face of makup, fake lashes and lipstick, I dont walk around with 7% of an IG filter applied to my face. Don’t get me wrong, I love makeup, I love playing around with it, I love how much you can do just by contouring and baking your face, its just that it aint something that I do an every day basis and you guys should always be aware of that. IG makeup is one thing but everyday makeups something completely different. 

The other thing is that im not perfect, I can be incredibly shy when being introduced to a group of people that I dont know. I actually just stop talking which makes loads of people think that im really rude when in reality, im just being awkward cuz im way too shy. I have no problem getting to know people but I do much better when its just one person at a time. I also dont like being in the center of attention, just makes me feel weird as hell. Some people seem to think that im like the most outgoing person ever, which I definitely can be when im with people I know or a single person that im getting to know, but im really not when it comes to actual groups of people. I try to be the best version of myself that I can be, but in the end im only human. I make mistakes, I piss people off without wanting to, I get up at 5:30 every morning to get ready for work… Im just like you guys and I dont want you to look up to me as if im standing on a pedestal, because im really not.

Anyways I hope this wasnt too boring to read or too badly written, I havent really slept in like 48h and I feel like I cant really think clearly at the moment haha

I wish all of you guys all the best xx