When a primary caregiver like a precious mother (or father) to a young child is unavailable or consistently unresponsive- for any valid reasons like mental illness, addiction, transition like immigration, grief, poverty & chronic suffering- the child feels it profoundly. The child feels the pain of their closest and most beloved heroine. In making sense of it, the child may internalize & overly-identify with the pain consciously and subconsciously. The child may take on the burden of pain as if it will relieve mama. If the mother's pain persists, the child may come to believe they are the cause of mama's pain, they may even come to believe that they are wrong & not worthy of love, that their needs will not & cannot be met.
This is so vulnerable...because this child has been in my adult body carrying the burden of these deep-rooted beliefs. These beliefs regarding worthiness of love have expanded today beyond mother, to everyone including potential friends & loves. i had grown to believe deeply and subconsciously that her pain was about me & because of me, from a time when i was too little to understand that it had nothing to do with me. These beliefs have created feelings of gaping loneliness within me. And i'm absolutely tired of reaching out to the unreachable, or being unreachable myself because those old beliefs lead me to think & act like that's all i can have & be.
The Sage in me knows that there's profound possibility for healing here... for shedding these burdensome beliefs & welcoming in the abundance of love that i & we are inherently worthy of. There's possibility for healing in acknowledging what we needed when we were completely dependent, but might not have received, to grieve... & eventually, to forgive. To bring that abundant love to the little ones in us & even their beloved yet wounded heroines is a radical & transformative practice. There's possibility to penetrate generations past and future with this healing & this love.
To our little one in our adult body, i say: dear one, i'm so sorry you've carried this burden for so long. Her pain was not about you & is not about you still. You are so incredibly lovable for exactly who you are.
oozing motherliness, in tribute to all the inner and outer mothers out there nurturing, loving, giving life and their kindness.