Lucky or screwed.

Remember when our eyes first met, we looked at each other for a little too long. I would’ve believed it to be the best day of my life but today, looking back at all the months that have gone by, you’ve given me many best days. I would probably hit or miss a couple in the years to come and they wouldn’t probably matter to me five years down the road but hey, you made me feel special, you showed that you actually cared, you kissed like I was the prettiest girl you knew, you held hands as if you were afraid to lose me and you made me live in the moment, and that is why I don’t wish to relive it because all of the first times were absolutely perfect to me.

The day before, I came across this article on Wikipedia; it read ‘the things you do for love’ I agree some of them were quite funny like, ‘pretend to enjoy watching his brutal sports’ or ‘get a tattoo to match his’. You know, actually not. You do end up doing some amazing things in the name of love. Trust me all of them, every single thing you ever thought of doing, right from you spending two extra hours in front of the mirror so that you look adorable to planning surprises, you did it all. These are the little things that matter and the little things that we live for. Give it your all. Mean it when you say you want his Sunday mornings, his afternoon mess, his sick days and his wet towel on the bed, his arms around your waist.

“I want to be there for you. I want to find your lost keys. I want to make you coffee just the way you like it. I want your laugh, I want all your clothes. I want to let you choose a movie. I want to go for a long walk down the beach at midnight. I also want to share an ice cream cone with you, and I don’t want any sides to our bed.”

If any of these get you any closer to him do it. Um, in the name of love maybe?

At times he is selfish, sometimes impatient and insecure. He’ll walk all over the house, he’ll shake his legs which actually means you have to run away from him. He will pretend to be brave, he will say he doesn’t fear any. Trust me now when I say he needs you then. Don’t go away, comfort him into believing your words, assure him that you’re not leaving, even if you both happened to drown in the tsunami. Don’t run.

Now if there is anything you want to take away from here know that love is unexpected and that makes it the best. You meet someone by fate and the feelings you share will be way above your head. And then all at once you know, you’re either lucky or screwed.

“My days they begin with your name

And nights end with your breath.

I wish I could leave you my love

But my heart is a mess.”

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‘cold/mess’ by Prateek kuhad,

you will definitely fall in love with the song.

You’re welcome ❤

We almost loved once.

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We were almost done living our lives for the day eating cheesecakes for the first time and sipping on some coke and love. Crawling our way to the bedroom I had talked about Netflix, casually wanting the warmth of his arms around. ‘It was a good day’, he said smiling from his cheeks holding me closer and letting me know how important I was to him. It was our Saturday ritual to discuss life at 2 in the morning. Out of all, being under the moon thinking about the kind of person I would want to be was my favourite.
Meeting him was not the solution to my problems but meeting him was like adding that one extra hour to my day, where life stood still not wanting to care about things and people who were rude to me. I understood what it was like to open hearts to someone and getting chills every time your bodies brush against each other. I understood what it was like to love someone with all your body. You know it’s special when your brain denies to give up no matter what.
Life was all about him, from wearing his clothes to going out for breakfast, it was all nice. For the first time, sharing pizza was much more than saving money. Tight hugs soon became my thing. His fingers running through my hair made me realise how loved I was. I’ll cherish all these memories in all my lives. I will cherish our movie nights, our baking afternoons and our Sunday ice creams as well. Loving him made me raw, vulnerable and the best part, he brought the best of me, always. He was like a book to me, I wanted to explore him, experience things with him and because of him. In a way he was totally worth losing sleep for. Never did I think of all this to be true and never did any of this happen.

I was almost done living my life for the day eating cheesecake and sipping coke. But the 2 a.m. talks I told you about are true. I realised that midnight talks are not for those couples who are already asleep in each other’s arms but it is for those wanting for love. For those discovering themselves on the inside and exploring life from the outside. For those who are filled with love waiting for the correct one.
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But no matter what, I am glad all of this happened; with you. I tried falling in love with someone after you but that didn’t really happen because you were in my mind and still are. No matter what it takes, I would still walk around every day loving you.

-Solastoul

I’m back to writing after a long, leave a comment down of what you think about this. Follow me on my social, my Instagram is _vidisha.

You can write to me at vidishajk@gmail.com. Have a wonderful day!

You too deserve it !!

I wanted to leave. I did not want to be with someone I didn’t love. But I had this constant fear of people judging me. They were strangers, just darkness, but it still felt like they would be able to see straight through me. I could sense them judging and bringing me down even though I knew that these things wouldn’t even matter to me. I felt another long year of disgust already tugging me.

I wanted to make myself believe that what I felt was not wrong. I felt like I was being tossed and turned into this book which I didn’t want to read. I didn’t like who I was turning into. To be called a person without feelings was not what I lived for. I knew I had made a mistake. Mistake of letting people affect me and change me into a new soul. Mistake of seeing the darker side to the world even when the live side called my name loud and clear. Mistake of letting things go when they needed a solution. But this one came with no apologies.

I knew I didn’t want to take this any further. I wanted to be who I was years ago, happy and smiling, with good people around who unknowingly cheer you up and get you out of trouble and be there for you even at times when everybody else wants to leave. Who look into your eyes when you lack confidence and when you just fall short of love. These are the people you need.

Sometimes, you need to stop, look back and take decisions. For once, it will be the toughest thing to do but trust me if you get through this, holy swear you should be pretty proud of yourself. Somewhere in this world, you’ll find someone who is going to be so proud of having you. Who won’t miss a chance to show you off to the world and who won’t ever regret having you in their life. But till then, you gotta wait because you too deserve it.

Solastoul

Picture by: Mandvi Shekhar

Mandvi’s instagram: mandvi__

E-mail for collaborations: vidishajk@gmail.com

My instagram: _vidisha

Own your life

I want you to own your life, just like you own your things. Don’t fear when you say, I own her. You own every bit of your smile and you own everything that you have right now. You even own what you are going to have next.

I have this thing against libraries, where you don’t get to own books. The smell of the new book you just unpacked has its own thing. You feel every page, you say its too real to be true. You feel the words on them and smile and that is when you own the book. It is yours.

Similarly, I want you to open your life with your own bare hands, feel what life actually wants you to feel and smell and hear and see every corner of where your life is taking you. And you know the best thing about owning a book, you can even repeat the chapters. What if you like a chapter from your life so much that you want to relive it, or want to explore it more and just feel like doing this for a hundred more times. You need to own your life for this.

Remember how passing your hands by the water in the middle of the sea feels? Or how immortal it is to touch this ancient fort again and again, because you remember things strong when you know how it feels, when you go near them, touch them. Hold your own hands, learn what you are, hear what your body has to say. Feel your face, your hands, your legs, your neck. You must know your body first before somebody else knowing it for you. Because you own your body, your things, your people. You need to own your life.

Instagram:@_vidisha

I need you and I always will

I failed to understand depression completely. All I thought was that it was easy to cure and one cannot completely lose himself and be depressed for the rest of his life. I agree I was wrong but I knew it can be cured.

I am sorry, I am sorry for the days when there was no one to talk to you. I am sorry because I didn’t understand why you hung up in the middle. I am sorry because I couldn’t recognize your teary eyes over the phone. I am sorry that I couldn’t talk to you. I am sorry for hating you and for sounding arrogant. And I am sorry because you had to go through all this alone.

That day when you came over, a part of me knew something was not right. You were not as happy as you always were. You carried nothing but sadness. Sitting in the corner thinking about where you went wrong, I knew you were hurt. All you wanted to do was get back whatever you had lost or give up on whatever you had. All I wish I never see in life again is a human without a smile cursing himself for all the wrongs.

Now I want you to listen up. Sit beside me and talk to me. Talk to me about where things went wrong and what can we do to fix them. I want you to know that there will be many questions but each one will have an answer. I’ll tell you what others told me ‘this is a phase from which you cannot hide yourself and a phase which comes without a control box. The only thing you can do is get up and ripp it till you achieve it. I don’t want you to lose hope, because I am still missing out on a person I had before. I need you and I always will.

Instagram: @_vidisha

There is this guy…

There is this guy in my life who has taught me to live. To live without worries and live with a smile on my face. I have had his back always. From pushing the door for me to pulling the chair he has done it all right. He has been there when I behave sick and probably have not judged me anytime like others did. He is the hope my soul believes in. He always makes sure that I wash the bad out of my face and reapply some pride. He knows what I am and he never wants me to change. He has always been good to my scars and makes me feel beautiful about myself every time.

He wants me to grow, grow into a person I have never been before. He believes and trusts me in whatever I do. He has never been an obstacle in my way to life. I have always got some tight hugs from him when I stupidly start believing I am not worthy enough. He has loved me more than I will ever love myself. He makes sure I never give up and never lead myself down. He silently stands right there when I am being rewarded for the good. In my good and my bad times, he is the only one who never fails to be there besides me when I need someone the most. He is always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. He knows how bad I am at times but loves me anyhow. He has promised me he will never leave and be the pillow to my tears. There is this one guy in my life and I probably haven’t even met him yet.

Picture credits: Ashita Mehta

Instagram: @staaywiild
Personal account: @_vidisha

Trust?

I’ve stopped trusting people after that day. ‘Trust’ for me was only a word without a meaning. You left these wounds, scars all over my life and I couldn’t really hide them. They made fun of me and I got really tired of all this hitting me up because it did nothing good to me. I was left alone in a room with my emotions piling up every other day, and only the crying beats of my heart were heard. Tears rolling down, every moment of my life felt like a waste. I remember scribbling your name in this dark room, but trustme it was only out of frustration and hate.

You did what you wanted to do, leaving only the bad for me and making me realize where the blind trust leads you to. You taught me what it feels like to get up on my own. That day, for the very first time, I hugged myself and made sure that the circle is small enough for me to fit in. That felt like home where I was the center of all my thoughts. For the second time in my life I had valued myself. I realized that the ‘us’ in ‘trust’ was never meant to be. I pulled myself up, facing the entire world; hoping you would never find your way back to me; standing strong, I knew what trust is!

Photo: Niru Dandekar
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My instagram handle: staaywiild

Lonely?

You feel lonely when you are at a mall and there are people all around. You feel lonely when you are with your best friends. You feel lonely because your heart refuses to communicate with others or refuses to behave like a happy human being. You begin to feel lonely within your heart and that is when you realize you have no one. You have no one to talk to, no one you can trust upon and no one to cry with. You put yourself in a situation from wherein it is difficult for you to come out of. You dig a pit for yourself and then you yourself deny coming out of it and seeing the beautiful sun rise.

Have some faith in universe, trust your instincts, come out of it; try walking, gather your best memories, read a book, randomly sing a song because no one is hearing you anyway; smile when you open the rear camera on the first go. Do it because these little things matter. It doesn’t matter to anybody else but you. Learn that loneliness makes you strong. Once you get over it, you stand up as a whole different person. You have experienced it from within and that is what will help you to not give up on life anytime. Trust yourself when you say, ‘I’ll survive this’. You need to know that loneliness is sometimes beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Rise up!

Why does it always have to be so hard?

Like I know life is pretty tough, you need to pull your socks up and just do that shit, no matter what it takes! But why can’t it be as easy as we lie to ourselves. Lie that it is going to be fine and it is just a matter of some time and that it will be alright and that these things won’t even matter to us after 20 years from now. You think, you preach, you forget.

No. I wish to have a deeper conversation with my own self and I want to explain that look, this is you and this is your life. And currently things are really not okay. You really don’t need to wear a face and show that you are strong, brave because you are not! You are allowed to cry; cry because you need to let those things go out of you for once and for all. You have a heart and you can certainly fix things up. You don’t have to be perfect because that is what you are not. You are a human and not a mannequin to behave like one.

A new beginning

Because there will be days when you’ll loose yourself. You see yourself getting weaker and weaker. You will feel unimportant. There will be days when you search for some sad quotes to read and cry inside and break yourself up.
But babe you need to keep going, you need to start over again because you have dreamt of it before. You’ve got some plans that needs to be worked upon. You cant give up. you are a warrior. Everyday is a new start, a new beginning. You gotta put your favorite clothes on, shades to hide your tears from the mirror and shoes to keep going. You are getting there.