I literally can’t believe that I haven’t blogged about my pregnancy in any shape or form until now. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and classed as ‘Full Term’, and I kinda feel to robbed of time. Where is it and who stole it that what I wanna know!

Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to jinx anything or maybe it’s because I’m a freaking lazy fat pregnant cow as to why I haven’t blogged, but I promise to try and do some more. Not just about baby shit, but still about life.

So A real brief overview on the past 8 and a bit months. I found out we were expecting back in November 2018 and could not believe it. I knew for nearly a week before telling Jamie as he had a big work exam and I knew that if I told him it would fry his brain and put even more pressure on him to pass – £££. So until I knew he had passed I kept my mouth shut. That’s how I knew I was growing up. I didn’t tell a sole. Even when people were commenting on how big my boobs were and what it would be like when we finally have a baby, I still kept my mouth shut. I honestly don’t know how I did it. Needless to say Jamie was/is over the moon as am I. As most of you know it took a while for us to get to this point and I honestly think coming away from my old life/ acupuncture/ and less stress got me to this point. Sometimes change is what we need, to help move forward and this was 100% the case for me.

So yeah I have just continue to grow this little (now, not so little) bumpy in my belly. Documenting as we go.

Obviously the anxiety of our last pregnancy has always been looming in the background, and I don’t think until this baby is in my arms I will ever feel like it’s really happening, but we a few weeks left that anxiety is turning more and more into excitement. We both can’t wait to finally be called mummy and daddy.

So over the next week or so I’m going to blog about how we have been preparing for bumpy, a bit about the nursery and things we have been gifted. So stay tuned!

Last Saturday Morning myself and Jamie headed over to a company Called Metallic Elephant. Metallic Elephant are a company that manufacture machines for hot foiling, embossing and debossing. At first I wasn’t too sure what to expect from the morning, but we had a friendly greeting by the lovely Karl.

Karl took us to the showroom and started explaining what it is that Metallic Elephant does and began then tour of the workshops. He showed us Machinery which was years and years old (older than me). We then was shown the CNC machines which create all of the dyes which are then used to create the debossing and embossing .

So let me tell you the difference between debossing and embossing, as Karl was very passionate about making people aware of the correct terminology. So take this as a warning, if you say it wrong after reading this blog post, you are banned from Metallic Elephant forever! hahaha only joking! I going to use leather as an example.

So when you are debossing leather you are actually denting the top surface, and so the design is punched down to create the artwork.

When you are embossing leather you are denting the leather from the back, so the surface of the leather then becomes raised.

So when you go into shops or are shopping online you might notice that some products with debossing are actually called ’embossed blah blah’. The reason it is called embossing is purely for the fact that it is easier to just call it one thing, and everyone seems to know what embossing is. So bobs your uncle and fanny’s your aunt. If its not broken don’t change it, as it would only confuse the life out of people. But if you ever visit Metallic Elephant make sure you use the correct terminology.

I hope that was actually right, or I will never be allowed back again! hahaha

So anywho, once we have seen behind the scenes of where all the machinery is made – oh and the AMAZING staff canteen, we then got down to business of learning how to hot foil.

Karl had created our very own dyes which he placed into the machines ready for us to stamp onto our Moleskine notebooks which we brought with us. There were three different machines that we used and each of them had a different way of working. The first machine we used needed some really elbow grease. Obviously I massively let myself down by being a massive girl and very weak. Karl and Jamie both worked the machine really quickly as they had better arm strength whereas I had to almost jump to put my whole body weight on top of the leaver to get the hot foil to print onto the card. It took some getting use to, but I got there in the end. The out come was amazing!

Its a real shame we have already got married, as I would have wanted to create all of my wedding stationary by hot foiling the invitations. It gave such a professional finish and made the card look super fancypants. I bloody loved it.

Once we had foiled all the card resources know to man we then played around with the leather. This was my favourite, and I definitely got carried away. At one point I was going to take my trainers off as I wanted to deboss and hot foil my name into the side of them. But I saved everyone’s noses and the sweaty trainers remained firmly on my feet.

We quickly found that these new machines didn’t need as much pressure as the one we used for the card. So it was much easier. But the pressure of only having one shot to get the hot foil right was all too much so Karl showed us both how it was done and made us a number of personalised accessories which are all amazing. Both our Moleskine notebooks have our instagram handles on so we can note down our plans to take over the insta world, or maybe it will just contain our weekly food shopping list?

All in all, if you ever get the chance to go and see Karl and his team at Metallic Elephant you definitely should! Not only does he teach you everything you need to know about debossing, embossing, personalising and hot foil he also supplies you with CAKE! A fantastic morning! Thanks Karl, we hope to see you again soon!

So for some reason the Floor Knitting video didn’t upload on the previous post. So let’s have another little go at uploading it!

Hopefully this works, and all will be good in the world.

For those of you who have already tried out the arm knitting, I hope you found the tutorial easy to follow. Fingers crossed this will be just as easy.

Here it is…

So I Promised everyone on Instagram that I would upload a ‘how to’ video on how to create a Chunky Knit Blanket by Arm and Floor Knitting. It is super easy. If I can do it, anyone can.

If you would like to try this out for your self, you can but your chunky yarn at Woolly mahoosive, you will need to buy mammoth yarn. For a blanket I would work in about 2-3kg.

Feel free to message me if you have any questions. I will try and help as best I can, but please remember I am a complete novice at this!

Please bare in mind these were filmed live on Instagram and on an iphone. So they are extremely basic and I do answer some questions from people which were asked when live. The comment don’t show up. Just in case you think I’m talking to myself! Hahaha. If I was good with editing I would have overlaid nice music and captions, but I’m not! Hahaha.

Thanks for watching.

Hope you enjoy.

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So let’s talk Smear Tests…

Ladies, let’s not be shy here. When you have reached the grand old age of 25, and you go for your first smear, you should be counting the whole three years down to your next appointment , because ya know, they are just that fun! NOT! I absolutely dreaded my first smear test. At the age of 25, the thought of ANYONE looking at my foof was AWFUL, but having someone shove something up there and then swirl a feather duster around was enough to make you want to crawl up there yourself! But I can now assure any women who is yet to give birth, that once you have been through that ordeal, having a quick swish about up your noonie is like a trip to a spa!

Today was my second smear test, and as always I was dreading it. Over the past year I have had a lot of poking and prodding in that region, due to December 16, (read previous blog post – longest post I will ever write). So when the Doctor asked me if this was my first smear, I replied, “no, I have had quite a few things go up me this year.” When she asked why, I’m not sure she was quite ready for me to burst into tears. I’m not sure I was either. It came completely out of the blue, but it was because it was yet another doctor I had to explain the whole situation too. I’m happy to talk about it, and do openly, but to repeat the same thing to someone who is meant to be ‘ in the know’, is not reassuring at all. We had a good chat and she made me feel completely at ease. Before I knew it I was dropping my knees to either side! I KNOW CRINGE! I had to apologise for the unshaved legs (about 7mm of winter growth) and the odd socks. She reply with the obvious answer, ” don’t worry I won’t be looking at your legs!” BIGGER CRINGE!

Once said instrument was where it was meant to be, I received possibly the best but strangest compliment to date. Doctor said, “Oh now that is a text book cervix!” At that point my brain actually shouted, “SORRY, WHAAAAT????” But my mouth replied – “oh thank you, I have been told that before!” I know I know, what a reply! Hahahaha but seriously what a thing to say! Especially when she is still burrowing her way around up there! She then continues… ” Oh, now that is the kind of cervix you wish you had a student was here to see!” At that point my brain was saying, “Ummm thank you very much, but 1 set of hands is enough up me chuff ta!”

Once the job was done, we carried on chatting about what me and Jamie went through, and she really made me feel at ease. She truly was the best Doctor I have ever been too. She can compliment my fanny anytime.

I hope my little smear test story has filled your brain with dread for when you next booked yours. I hope this has given you the little push you probably need to get it booked! No one likes having it done, but as women we must look after our bodies. We only have one! I like to think of mine as like my favourite shoes, always give them a good clean after a night out and occasionally give them a real good going over, maybe even get them re-heeled.

Go get your fannies looked at girls! You might come out with a good story to tell.

Much love,

Moo xxx

As every pregnant women would probably happily admit, you spend hours and hours, evening after evening researching EVERYTHING you think you will need as a new mum. Your ‘favourite’ tabs on the web browser are so small that you can only see the logo icon, as there are so many website you don’t want to forget. You start to collate lists upon lists of things you definitely need to buy for your new bundle of joy. Then in your secret notes on your phone you also make another list of all the luxury things you PRAY someone will buy you at your baby shower.

Little Aurelia has ALWAYS been number one on my luxury list.

I follow quite a few lovely bloggers on the wonderful world of Instagram, and had seen some of the Little Aurelia products featured on some of the pages. The little grey eyed monster inside me would always rear it ugly head. I wanted the baby, and I wanted the products. I have written in a previous post what happened to our baby and the awful journey we went through. Word of warning, it’s a tear jerker. Nevertheless I still follow all the baby accounts ready for the next time. So Little Aurelia has been on my radar for a little while and here are the three reasons why.

1. BioOrganic Products which smell AMAZING. Everyone wants that new born baby smell. I can honestly say that Little Aurelia products enhance that.
2. B E A U T I F U L packaging. I am a MASSIVE sucker for lovely packaging on products. I think years of working in retail has had this affect on me.  Sometimes I think that beautiful packaging can be to tart up a crap product, but this IS NOT the case. The product are just as amazing as the packaging. The stunning Illustrations completely make it for me too. They are unbelievably cute. The tiny mice and rabbits just take me right back to being a child myself. Maybe that’s why I like the brand so much. It is so reminiscent for me of the old books I was read to as a child. I mostly liked to look at the pictures when I was young – still do. Which takes me on to number Three.
3. THE BOOK. Sleepy Time Tales, is one of the most beautiful books I have EVER come across. It is full of the loveliest little bedtime stories along with the stunning illustrations of the cutest little woodland characters. I am finding the book to be GREAT inspo for future baby names too. A perfect little extra touch to a simply stunning luxury gift set.

So, Lets talk more about the products…

I was lucky enough to receive my very own Woodland Friends Gift Suitcase. I know I know, my Number One on the luxury list has been ticked!! Trust me, I still can’t believe it either! So…

The Beautifully Illustrated Suitcase contained the following items… Sleep Time Top to Toe Wash and Cream, Sleep Time Bath & Massage Oil, Sleep Time Pillow Mist, Comfort and Calm Rescue Cream and a Top to Toe Konjac Sponge. Oh and don’t forget the Book! Sleepy Time Tales. All of these products Are BioOrganic which is perfect for the super soft skin of your new born. These product will help to keep it that way too, as well as making your little bundle smell like your very own bedtime comforter. The under-note of Lavender will definitely help you to get a relaxing sleep, well until the next feed is due at least.

Here is a quote from Little Aurelia’s Website…

“Little Aurelia’s Sleep Time blend of Lavender, Linden blossom, Angelica and Chamomile leaves your little one feeling calm and content before bed, ready for a perfect night’s sleep.

Designed for babies and young children, Little Aurelia blends gentle yet effective botanical ingredients with soothing essential oils to calm and settle at bath time and before bed.”

I would like to add to this. “Designed for ‘YOU’, babies and young children …”  I can imagine that new parents also benefit from these lovely products. Lets just say that the Pillow Mist is perfect for getting that ‘spa smell’ at home. My dressing gown smells amazing and always makes me feel super sleepy after a bath. If its good enough for babies is good enough for me! hahaha! Bedtime can now be relaxing for everyone.

As I am going to be becoming a Auntie for the first time in March 18′, I feel that Little Aurelia Might be A new ‘Birthdays and Christmas’ kind of treat for Baby A.

One for Baby, One for Aunty Moo, Right?

 

 

As most of you know by now, I am completely insta-addict. I was luck enough to win £50 worth of wallpaper from the lovely Sophie at wallpapersales who has hundreds and thousands of different wallpapers to choose from.

It was like fate that I had won. I had said to Jamie only a few weeks before that i wanted to wallpaper our tiny toilet. The toilet was a new addition to our house. When we moved in we only had the one bathroom which is down stairs at the very back of the house. I was used to having a toilet across the hall way from my bedroom at my mum and dads house. So to try and retrain my bladder to only being able to wee when I’m awake was impossible. I was having to really watch what i was drinking in the evening so i wouldn’t wake up at silly o’clock.

I couldn’t be doing with the trek down to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and nor could Jamie, ( I don’t like the dark.) It was a matter of weeks before the new toilet had started to be built. My oldest brother and Jamie got to work on the stud work of the new room. This used to be apart of our bedroom.

After hours of stripping lining paper, pulling up the floor to find a good route for a sodding waste pipe and my dad slopping plaster everywhere, we finally had a good canvas for the tiny toilet. We now had to find a sink and toilet to fit into the space. I believe this from from Victoria Plumb, it was nothing special, just a normal toilet and sink.

I also knew that it would need to have a huge mirror to make the room look bigger. I think one of my weaknesses might be window style mirrors, this grey one was from homesense. It fit perfectly on the back wall.

As you can see, it was cute but it had nothing ‘WOW’ about it. I think instagram and pinterest have a lot to answer for. I have a little look for ideas and the next thing i know i have a whole basket full of stuff which i don’t really need on hm home website.

I loved our little toilet and don’ get me wrong my bladder liked it more. I was finally able to start drinking whatever the hell I wanted at night time. It was a complete dream. But after time I felt it was a bit boring. The way we decorated it was too safe. Any other home owner probably knows that you get bored easily of certain rooms in your home, and your styles also change. So my little win came at a great time.

I spent hours and hours going through all of the different wallpapers to stumble across Matthew Williamson Durbar Collection. I wanted something with was going to be bright and full on. The rest of our house is grey, I wouldn’t say it was minimal but there really isn’t to much too it. Just little bits and pieces out of probably every work top space. Currently the tiny toilet hasn’t got a door. Me and Jamie have been together now for about 13 years so a door doesn’t really mean too much to us. But I wanted our tiny toilet to be like a hidden gem of bright bursting colour. Matthew Williamson collection Durbar had beautiful prints but none competed with the ‘Mughal Garden’ It was everything I wanted.

the thing i love most about it most was that it hasn’t hidden little details in it like a butterfly, building, a bird and not to mention the tiger. So the deed was done. The wallpaper was ordered. Only 1 roll, as I had to pay a little bit extra and I certainly couldn’t afford another roll at £79, I suppose thats the price you pay for pure beauty.

So, the wallpapering begun. This was the first job Jamie has refused to do or even help on. I obviously had no idea what I was doing or how I was going to go about it! There no other way other than to just go for it. I got all the tools i needed. I mixed up the paste by guesstimation and started to slap it on the walls. Granted I didn’t pick the best room to try out my first bit of wallpapering on. As I say it is a tiny toilet, if there was a door you may have to sit on the toilet side saddle. hahaha But anyway I gave it my best shot.

It was going so well. But then I got to the corner. I was thinking, just crease it down into the corner and then stick it onto the next wall. That would have been too easy. Unfortunately my dad hadn’t levelled out the wall when he plastered when we took the picture rail down. This of course sent the wallpaper all over the fucking place. I had to score down the wallpaper in the corner and patch it back in. It was a bloody nightmare. Once I got over that little issue I was back on track. Im not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but I was painting the paste straight onto the walls. It is still up 2 or 3 months after so fingers crossed it stays that way. I did run out of paper quick quickly due to having to waste paper because of the repeat drop, so if you are going to give it ago I would defo get more rolls than what you need. I had to use all of my scrap bits to patch it up under the sink and behind the toilet. Thank god i picked a busy print where it doesn’t notice too much, also thanks to Sophie for sending such big samples. This came in handy when I missed the bit of wall above the door! hahaha

Here is the finished thing. As you know the toilet is tiny so its hard to get a good picture.

Earlier in the year, Jamie and Myself received a Save the Date from our lovely friends Emma and Liam. I have known Liam since primary School. He was actually a few years above me but was really good friends with my oldest brother, who is also named Liam. (This bit might get confusing) One of my memories from primary school was when our head teacher called my mum telling her that Liam, (my brother), had broken his leg. Obviously, mum had a blind panic and rushed to the school. Only to realise that it was the wrong Liam. Strange thing to remember! haha!

Anyway Liam has always been about, he is one of my brothers best mates, and is also a good friend of ours. Me, Jamie and Liam used to go rock climbing every now and then. It was a good laugh. Any ways, Liam decided to go off travelling Australia. And we are so glad he did. Because thats where he met the lovely Emma.

The first time I met Emma, was the first time I saw Liam after Oz. Liam had messaged one evening asking if I was still doing spray tans, as Emma’s tan had faded! I remember thinking when they left, ‘awwww, she was a lovely little Scottish lady’. hahaha and basically, they now live happily ever after.

The Wedding was completely out of this world. I have never been to a Jewish Wedding, and it was INSANE! It was big and amazing! I didn’t go during the day, but when we turned up in the evening everyone’s mouths were still hanging wide open.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walking into the Rosewood Hotel was like walking onto a film set of some lavish film, where everyone wears evening gowns and are dripping in diamonds! And when we saw the Bride, she was that exact image! Stunning. And the Groom looked alright. hahaha! They both were a complete vision on love and happiness.

So Jamie and myself walked down from Holborn station. I walk was prepared and had worn my flats, heels in hand. I knew walking would be involved. When we suddenly come across The Rosewood, I hit behind and tree and quickly put my heels back on. hahaha This was not a place for flat ballet pumps. To be honest, I felt even my best frock and heels weren’t good enough. This place was stunning, like no where I had, or WILL, ever go again! We asked the guy on the gate where to go fro the wedding. We then Saw the Groom new sister in law come out of the door. She told us where to go. She was advised us to take it all in, as it was completely out of this world. She weren’t wrong.

I don’t even remember walking into the Wedding entrance, I was concentrating to much on not falling over on the cobbles and look like a lower class nob! We walked around the corner to go down the stairs which then took us down to the Wedding.

We was greeted by the stunning floral pagoda,(defo not the right word for it) which they got married under.

 

It was beautiful. Many a selfie was taken under here! It was completely covered in silk flowers and hanging glass tealight holders, which I loved. I have now brought myself some on ebay to hang in my fireplace!

I get inspo from anywhere and everywhere! Just that itself was a complete picture for a fairy tale wedding. There was doors either side which was where the reception was held. I peeked my head through the door to see hundreds of people still sitting at their tables. I quickly popped back and made Jamie go in first. We was greeted by the lovely member of staff who then took our rubbish gift which I had handmade, and showed us to the Bride and Groom. They both looked beautiful and so Happy!

 

We then made our way to the Evening guest table , where we was served wine and dessert! My kind of Wedding! Dessert was a Chocolate fudge brownie with Salted Caramel. It was dreamy.

We then listened to 7 blessings to the Newlyweds. We had a little book so we could follow which was great. They were then followed by The Best Man’s speech who was Liam’s older brother. It which was just how a best man speech should be! Not to harsh, a laugh at the Groom’s expense, and mostly full of love for his younger Brother and new Sister in Law. Then it was the Groom. It was lovely. His speech was full of gratitude and love to both of his friends and families, and of course, most of all, his new Wife. It was perfect, then followed by their First Dance on the starlit dance floor.

The Evening went off! A 15 piece band took to the stage and completely blew the roof off.  It WAS insane! I had one of the best nights! The band were just out of this world! They play anything and everything.  I hope Drake, Rhianna and Kendell Jenner all heard them!! They were apparently staying at the Rosewood too.

All in all I was completely blown away by the Rosewood Hotel, but more so by the Wedding! It was amazing! Just looking around the room everyone was having an amazing time, and that mostly down to the happy couple – and the free bar! hahaahaha! Honestly, one of the BEST weddings I have ever been to! I actually think I enjoyed the evening more than my own wedding! Hahaha!

I want  Thank the Bride and Groom and families for having us at your Celebration! Jamie  and Myself wish the Newlyweds all the love, happiness and luck in the world! I hope you both enjoyed your mini-moon to New York!

Mazel Tov!!!

Here a few extra Snaps from the night! ( Selfie under the beautiful floweriness)

 

So last month I didn’t really do many blog posts. I thought the few that I did were quite big ones to digest, so I gave myself time to reply to everyone’s amazing comments and support. The previous post was something extremely personal for me and Jamie and we were both overwhelmed by the amount of love we received so I just wanted to stay by saying a MASSIVE thank you! After doing the post, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders which had been dragging me down since December. I’m glad so many of you read it – over 700 in fact! I hope that I have enlightened some of you on the ‘taboo’ talk of loosing a baby and I hope it has helped either you or someone in a similar situation! After all that is what I wanted to do! So once again from the bottom of mine and Jamie’s toes, (you can’t get any lower!) THANK YOU! 

Onwards and upwards for September! 🙌

I have said in past posts and instagram that I was going to tell you all a little bit more about what happened last December and I feel that now is the time. I am writing this as I want to help myself heal, and if I can, I want to help others understand a little bit more. And God forbid you or any of your friends ever have to go something like this, you can either help them or this might help you! Obviously, everyone has their own opinions on this kind of thing of what you think you might do or how you think you might have felt, but if don’t agree with anything I have said, please don’t make this any hard for us than it has already been and is.

If your an emotion wreck, DON’T read on!

Round about this time last year, as some of you will already know, Me and Jamie had the best news EVER!! I was pregnant. I think we had been trying for about 4 or 5 months. We wanted to start trying while we was on our on honeymoon in St Lucia, but due to the Zika Virus, we didn’t want to risk anything. So we waited the recommended time after our visit.

So, yeah, it was round about this time last year and as I said it was the best news we had ever received, although we had been trying, it still comes as a shock! The best shock of our lives. Everything was perfect. After our 12 week scan everything was still perfect they said the baby was healthy everything was fine. We had our test for down syndrome, and i think my odds were something like 1 in 100,000. So all in all we were happy and extremely excited. We had told all of our families and friends slightly earlier than the 12 weeks scan,  as I had a few Hen and Stag Do’s to go on, and it was going to be so obvious that I weren’t drinking, lets face it, I love an Archers and Lemonade! Everyone was so happy and so excited. Life was great.

It’s funny when your pregnant, without you even knowing or realising more people want to be around you and be involved. I’m not sure if it’s because the thought of a new baby being around is something they want to get in on, or if they genuinely want to see you more but either way they do. My pregnancy was pretty good, better than most I would say. I never got morning sickness, The only thing that did happen was I completely went off food for the first 3 months. Anyone who watched my insta stories will realise by now, I love food- so this was very hard for me! hahaha! I have never lost weigh in my whole life but I really did then. It was great, even my bloody spots cleared up! thinking about it now, maybe it was because I weren’t eating all the shit that I do! hahaha Any way I was really enjoying it! I had started to think about my nursery theme and literally couldn’t wait to start getting all my bits together and start creating an absolute mast piece of a nursery. My shopping habits completely changed, Every night I would be on the computer searching for clothes and toys which weren’t the same as everyone else. I didn’t want a standard changing matt from Mama’s and Papa’s, I wanted the one with the most gorgeous black and white rainbow print. I saved every penny I had, our baby was getting the best of everything. Even my Pram. Yes, I have even got my Pram! It was Limited Edition Liberty Print with Tan Leather Handles with ALL the add on’s! And I am still completely in love with it! But Yes everything was as I say perfect.

When I was about 17-18 weeks I went  with my two best friends to watch dream girls and have a christmassy day in London. For the first time in months I brought myself a dress from Zara which I knew would see me through the rest of my pregnancy. I loved it! We went to Liberty and had a look around the Christmas department as that is a must at Christmas time. I had restrained myself from buying anything, I was very proud of myself. Unlike Pip and Elise, who both treated themselves to a little bit of christmassy cuteness. I remember standing in the cue withPip when I felt a feeling in my tummy. It felt like I had been flicked from the inside. I said to Pip, ” I’m not being funny, but I’m either gunna fart or I think I just felt the baby kick.” I was kinda of hopeing for a fart as that would have meant that I was getting some movement in the poop area. I was so constipated, I don’t think I had poo’ed for weeks! Later in the evening, while at dinner, I got movement! I was so pleased I evening text Jamie to tell him! hahaha it was a bit of a running joke! Dream Girls was amazing Probably the Best show I have ever seen! So all in all it was a brilliant day. To top it off I felt the baby kicking all the way home in the car! So it wasn’t just my bowels! hahaha!

I absolutely loved feeling my baby kick. It was the best thing in the world. Not so much at half past two EVERY morning! But I would give anything to have it back now.

Our 20 week scan, I had been worrying about this from our 12 week scan. To be honest I don’t think the worrying ever stopped. Before my 8 week appointment I was worried about my 12 week scan and what if the baby wasn’t alive or what if there was no heart beat? After the 12 week scan I was worried about if everything was going to be ok at the 20 week scan. I remember, a few evening before talking to my brother while I walked over to my friends and I said, ” but what if it’s not all alright?”

At our 20 week Scan We sat in the waiting room and I remember seeing a couple sitting opposite us. They went in for their scan and a little while after came back out. I remember hearing the women saying something like, ‘yeah, but I do eat a lot of shit.’ and I remembered thinking, ‘oh god, is there something wrong for them?’ But, they were handed the purple book(what you get at your 8 week appointment) and off they went. Then it was our turn. I had drank loads of water so they could see the baby clearly. As soon as I laid on the bed I said “we don’t want to know what the baby is, thank you.” We both wanted a surprise. She started scanning. Everything was looking fine. Then said about she wasn’t sure about a certain measurement so she wanted a second opinion. She made out it was going to be fine and that if I was lucky the doctor would scan me on the spaceship machine which is much clearer and would gets us better pictures. Unbeknown to me, there was something wrong.

They took me and Jamie into a side room off of the waitng room. Which was tiny. It had a desk, a bed and a fancy pants scanner. Along with a new women to scan me, and nurse over at the desk, the women who originally scanned me, Me on the bed and Jamie on the chair next to me. It was cramped! Then half way through being scanned in came another bloody doctor. Only then did I realise something was REALLY wrong. When scanning me they were all talking to each other in a language I didn’t understand. Complete and utter ‘Doctor Talk’. All I could hear was Prolapse, Spine, blah blah blah. They then stopped. The doctor then explained to us what the problem was. Our baby had Spina Bifida as well as other problems with the brain. Some people with Spina Bifida can live healthy lives and carry on, pretty much, as normal. But with our baby it was far to serious. The doctors explained everything to us, yet in again, in words I didn’t really understand. For me things need to be black and white, especially in a situation like this. Through tears, I asked: if our baby was at it’s due date now, and I gave birth, what quality of life would it have? The doctors told us that, Our baby would be in a Wheel Chair, would have no use of it lower limps, bladder or bowel, and would also mentally disabled.

Because I was crying so much, they wanted me to come back on the Friday, (it was only Monday) to finish the scanning. I refused and put my foot down. I said if you are going to scan me, you are doing it now! I remember saying that I would cry in silence, as I was not coming back to be scanned again at a later date.

After the scan, they took me and Jamie to a side room where we had to talk about what had happened and what we wanted to do. For us, there was no question of what we had to do. We both agreed that we didn’t want to put our baby through that pain and suffering for the rest of it’s life. We knew that we would give it everything we possible could but it would never be enough. It was the easiest, hardest, decision we have EVER and will ever have to make. And I pray to God that no one every has to go through it.

Me and Jamie had been together for just over 12 years, and I never thought that we could ever get any closer than we already were. How wrong I was. We both sat there and had exactly the same opinion on absolutely everything. The 12 years had paid off! haha! It was official, we had morphed into the same person. He knew what I was thinking and I knew what he was thinking. I think we had both made our decision before we even got into the room. I just remember saying, “I can’t give birth to a baby I cant keep.” We asked the Nurse and Doctor lots of questions. Anything and everything we could think of. I asked if there was an alternative to birth. There was, but it sounds horrific. They would put me under anaesthetic, and then take the baby out in pieces. I’m sorry, but it was still our baby, there was no way I could let anyone do that. They told us to come home and have a think about what we wanted to do and talk with our families about it before we went ahead and did anything else.

Telling our friends and families was just as bad as being told ourselves and to be honest I can’t even write about that to much because it still brings tears to my eyes. We had to wait until we knew that they would all be in a place which would be good for them to be told in. I didn’t want them crying at work or being at the gym.

From that day on, every hour was like having to tick another job off the list. Tuesday morning we had to ring the hospital to say we definitely wanted to proceed with the ‘termination’ (they really need to think of a better word or phase). So we was booked back in for Friday at 1:00pm. We was told we would have our own delivery suite which was called the ‘Rosemary Suite’ which is especially used for couples in similar situations to us. So until that day we sat at home the the lights off, blinds closed and Harry Potter on repeat. We had an influx of message from people, sending love. Most people didn’t know what to say and I completely understood that – I didn’t even know what to say. Some people had words of comfort some people said things which we didn’t need to hear. I didn’t need to be told I WAS going to be such a good mum, or I HAD so much to look forward too. These were all things I already knew! But I understand, some people didn’t know what was the right thing to say. If I was one of my friends I know that I wouldn’t have a fucking clue what to say and would have probably said the wrong thing too! And don’t get me wrong, one day I WILL be the best fucking mum and now I know that I HAVE got so much to look forward too.

We went back in on the Wednesday to signs the papers for ‘Abortion’ and to take my first tablet. This was going to prepare my insides ready for birth which meant it would basically work on my cervix. The tablet took 48 hour to do this. I was panicking that I was going to give birth at home, as I kept having images in my head of giving birth in the shower! I know I know, a bit weird, but at this point I think I was fucked up in the head.

Friday, before we knew it was here. We went up to the delivery suite which was full of  new born babies, (of course they would be). That was exactly the kind of thing that I wanted to be around at this precise time. We were then taken down stairs to the delivery rooms where ‘normal’ people gave birth. The Rosemary Suite, which we was meant to be in, was unfortunately occupied. The thought that someone else was going through the same thing crossed my mind. So sad. The room we was given was a bloody birthing pool room! I turned to the nurse and said, ” Oh I will have a lovely bath later then!”- I still had a sense of humour, I wasn’t completely dead inside! hahaha! It was away from everyone else. It was kind of like a ghost town.

So I had to have an induced labour which began by being fisted by the nurse! hahaha (I’m sorry it’s a bit too much info hahaha!) After the first one, I then had to have a tablet every three hours but in the mouth. hahaha! Thank God! Once I had the first tablet, I felt like a had a gripping tummy, and stupidly didn’t even think about what pain this could be. I hadn’t had any prenatal classes or my hypno-birth. I had no idea what was coming! With every hour the pain got worst. I was allowed to have any pain relief I wanted as they wanted me to be as comfortable as possible. They didn’t want the situation be any worst than it already was. But in my head, I kept thinking, ‘ save the pain relief for the contractions!’ Little did I know!!! At midnight the midwife realised that me and Jamie were spooning on a single hospital bed. So they moved us to a different room where there was no bath but room for another bed for Jamie to sleep on. I was very concerned what was going to happen with the TV! Hospital TV is so expensive and I would be arsed if I’m going to another room and have to pay AGAIN! Jamie is a Wizz at all that shit so he got it sorted! To be honest the TV kept my mind from thinking about what was actually happening and what I was actually going to have to do.

It got to midnight and I had had all the tablets I was allowed at one time. The midwife said she was going to let my body do what it had to do until the morning and if there was no improvement or development the doctor would have to reassess me. I think at this point I gave my body a firm talking too. If it hadn’t been shit enough did it really have to be any worse? My body needed to step up and do what it had to fucking do! So for the rest of the night every minute for 30 seconds I contracted. I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t move. I went completely into myself. I visualised a mountain when it came to the pain. Every pulsation of pain stepped up and up and up then it peaked and would start to come back down. With every pain I had to breath. I also imagined I was on Hollyoaks for the breathing part. hahaha! My breath must have fucking stunk! haha poor midwives! They deserve a bloody medal they really do! Better still a fucking pay rise!

Pain relief wise I had a marvellous drug call oramorph or something like that? Basically liquid morphine! AMAZING!!! I could have drank a bloody pint! They told me it didn’t taste very nice! In actual fact it tasted of calpol! Yum bloody yum! I was completely out of it after that,well,  until I had another contraction that was!

I got to about 7 in the morning I had just met my new midwife and trainee- typical! To fair I was quite a good patient. I didn’t make a fuss. I wanted to be in and out as quick as I could. The contractions had gotten so bad I literally couldn’t talk or move when they were in full force. I actually got stuck half on and half off the bed at one point.

When it came to the birth Jamie was by my side the whole time. It was quick and it was actually as nice as it could have been. A weird thing to say, I know, but the midwives were AMAZING. I did a little laugh (in my head) at one point when she asked me to try and do a little poo when try to push! Sick sense of humour I know! hahaha!

We decided that we didn’t want to see our baby or know what it was. Everyone I would imagine, deals with these things completely differently, and there is no wrong or right thing to do. But for me and Jamie, and our own sanity, this was what we decided. I asked for the midwife to do a hand and foot print of our baby so we could keep it with our scan pictures. They are so tiny.

We was left for the day to take our own time on everything. We was allowed to leave once my blood results had come back! Oh if you have negative bloody, like me, you have to have loads of test incase your body creates antibodies. blah blah blah!

Actually leaving the hospital and walking to the car once stupidly one of the hardest things. We had to walk down that hall way , you know the one, the one where the dad is walking carrying the newborn baby to the car in the car seat. Yeah, that one! We had no baby, just bag full of blood stained clothes, a Sudoku book and a pack of half eaten biscuits.

We both sat in the car and watched a couple load up their car with bags, balloons and a new baby. Lucky them!

 

 

The actual aftermath of everything is hard to explain. It was over the Christmas period. I gave birth on the 10th of December. But our lives were turned upside down on the 5th. The minute we had our scan, and found out that weren’t going to be keeping our baby, we lost the life we had dreamt of.

For us, the worst had been done. The hospital was great, they dealt with the cremation and all we had to do was turn up. We didn’t return to work until after.

Because I work in a department store I know pretty much all of the staff due to working in the display department. My team were and still are my rock. They have been there for me and Jamie through all the shit. To be honest , they didn’t have a choice! hahaha! They are there with me in the good times and there for me when they are bad. Becuase believe me 8 months down the lines there are still times when its bad – not nowhere near as often, yes I still cry! I think I’m still yet to get through a full week with no tears!

Some people in the shop as well as family and friends didn’t know how to go about talking to me. They didn’t know if I was going to be an emotional wreck or just fine. So the way some of them dealt with it was to avoid me or not talk to me at all. I completely understand that some people can’t bare the awkwardness of someone crying on them or getting upset themselves, so they avoid the situation completely and that’s fine, I probably would have been one of these people before. But now I know how it feels to be that person. Unfortunately, in shit times in your life it really separates the good and the not so good. My moto is now… If you cant be around me when in down, you won’t get to be around me when I’m good, and that your loss.

One of the hard things to accept in this journey is that people get on with their own lives and that is completely right. That is what you are meant to do. Everyone has got their own lives to live, and this doesn’t mean I cant be happy for them. If we cant have our happily ever after right now, I will find joy in those who do. I always thought I was quite a negative person before everything happened. I knew I was quite selfish and I knew I was immature. But if this has taught me anything, it is that when it comes to the crunch there aren’t many people in the world who can deal with the things we have dealt with and still be sane at the end of it. Don’t get me wrong, we arn’t at the end, we still cry and we still think about it every day. But slowly but surely its getting easier. I have found that talking about it with people has MASSIVELY helped me, and this is why I just wish those people who did and have avoided me would have just spoke to me. They would have seen that we are still normal people. I am can’t believe how close it has made me and Jamie and I am thankful for this. I poo’ed with the door open before, but now Jamie will happily have a conversion with me at the same time too! hahahaha, it’s a whole new level of love! hahaha

When people had found out about what had happened to us via facebook or instagram, I had a couple of people from my past message me and tell me about their own experiences. They were the same but it still was still similar. I just wanted to say thank you to them. You don’t know how much it meant to me and Jamie for you to reach out to us, tell us that one day it would be alright! So Thank You! You were right!

So if you are reading this and you have just gone through something similar, try and find a positive. Not about the situation, but about the rest of your life. I have a best family and the best friends and they were my positive! Things do get easier, it takes time. Lets your self be sad and let your self be happy. Your baby wouldn’t want you to be sad for the rest of your life. And for the people who knows someone in our situation or going through something sad, just text them, let that person know that you care, just a simple kissy emoji will do and remember just because they look all happy and look like they have got their shit together. They are probably still feeling a bit shit, and could probably do with a hug.

I cant go back a read what I have written as its to long and to be honest, I don’t want to! So I apologise for spelling mistakes and if some bits don’t make sense! My friend has told me I don’t need to have a justification for wanting to write about this, but for me, if this can help anyone in the world or I can help anyone in a similar situation then that’s what I want to do. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are in it alone. I had amazing people around me who I could scream and shout at, and that’s what you need. This has been written from my heart which will always be wrapped in a rainbow.

XXX