Inner and outer acceptance of ourselves is a continuous journey. Even when we discover an eternal love for our being, things can happen that make us a bit unsure of ourselves along the way. The loss of someone, being let go from a job, an illness, or any other kind of experience. We’re on a constant journey of discovering what it truly means to love ourselves. A constant checking in with ourselves, who we surround ourselves with and how happy we are in this current moment.
I spent my childhood surrounded by pressures to look a certain way, always surrounded by the latest crazes or fads. At school, there was little, if no opportunity to fully express yourself. We would all look the same. The school disco would be a mesh of glitter sequin ‘bodycon’ dresses and Nike Air Max trainers. I never knew what it felt like to not wear make up and be ‘accepted’. I was constantly wearing a layer of bronzer or foundation to mask the face that I didn’t fully devote time to loving. My real, natural, and honest face. I spent years of my life going ‘hard’ at the gym, doing tedious and mundane exercise routines to try and get a body that everyone promoted as being ‘perfect’, but never found enjoyment in the simplest of things. Natural authentic beauty.
I suffered with depression from 15 through to 20 years of age taking Citalopram tablets and ignoring the causes of my lack of self love or care. I was doing a degree that allowed me to express my opinion, but not my emotions. Politics was cut throat, with no personal emotions involved. At this point in time, yoga and food were my saving grace. When I finished studying, I went to work in kitchens in and around London, finally living through my passion for cooking for others. I wanted nothing more than to be out of an office environment and in something creative, where I could fully express every feeling or emotion I was having. However weird it sounds, FOOD IS ART. People will tell you it isn’t. But, to me it has always been my avenue of expression. Creating beautiful and delicious food for people you love.
After a break up with a long term boyfriend at the age of 21 I spontaneously moved to Berlin this further challenged my ability to love myself unconditionally. I set up a life there, with a small flat on my own in Friedrichshain and found work in a kitchen as a full-time head chef. I found happiness in the simplicity of life in Berlin. I could finally walk around bare faced, with no judgement or concern of what others would think. Berlin is a magical city of creatives. Every single person wants to get to know you. It allows you to be self employed and freelance and not be seen as a traitor to the corporate system. Everyone is creative and everyone inspires you. At this point I finally decided to chuck my anti-depressants out of my bedroom window (literally). I remember that single moment where I saw them hit the floor. I had finally let go of the things that were stopping me from feeling emotion and started embracing everything and everyone who encouraged my most authentic self. I could finally experience raw uninhibited emotion again and it was the biggest breath of fresh air I’d had in a while. This is the experience I want everyone to have.
Western doctors love prescribing a quick fix to ‘depression’, when it’s about looking so much deeper. Some people have serious cases where there is no option. But, in my case, all I needed was to realign myself with what really and truly mattered to me. Looking deep into my biggest dreams, desires and wants and tackling them head on. One thing I discovered was that my dreams and perseverance were all the self love that I needed. Once I started to fully believe in my journey, I started to love myself, by meditating, moving my body slowly, going for walks, writing poetry, being honest with myself, and most importantly not needing any gratification or acceptance from other people.
Again, it begs the question of how can we be happy if we are constantly filling up our cup with the compliments, opinions or acceptance from others? Constantly doing what society tells us we should be doing, not what our heart wants us to do. We may value or respect another person, but what use is that if they don’t value us? This is one of my biggest lessons and continues to be. We must be happy on our own before we can be happy with anyone else. You can and never will be able to MAKE someone happy. You can only add to their happiness.
My mum took me to my first ever yoga class at a Buddhist Temple in Balham and I remember laughing. I thought it was so weird that women of different ages were just sitting in a room chanting, sticking their bums in the air and letting their nipples roam free (FREE THE NIPPLE). The smiles on their faces and the total inner acceptance of themselves amazed me. Ever since that day I have been on a quest to be at total peace with who I am and where I have come. In March 2017 I made the decision to start my own cafe in a yoga studio, which had been one of my biggest dreams and to do my teacher training in Budokon Yoga. As much as I love food, I realised that full nourishment and love for our bodies comes from food AND movement. Movement allows us to be free and to breathe into spaces of tension we never even knew. Food allows us to boost our serotonin levels, nourish our depleted energy levels, and more importantly share the beautiful experience of eating with others, as a community.
Self love and the encouragement of acceptance is exactly why I do what I do. It’s why I produce nourishing food and teach people to be soft (flexible) and hard (strong) both at the same time. We cannot be one without the other.
True love for ourselves and our bodies means knowing when to rest, knowing when to be alone, knowing when to fill up our cup before we can fill up others and knowing where our true, authentic and honest self thrives.
I asked a few of my friends and family what self love means to them:
“I spend my career putting others before me. True self love means putting myself before others. It’s selfish. It’s looking after number one.” – Mother.
“Self love to me starts with being fully honest with yourself about where you are at, without judgement, and then going on to hold space for yourself fiercely and unapologetically so that you can give yourself what you truly need.” – Farah Orths @thesoulspoon
“Self love isn’t a thing to be done from time to time. It is a continuous state of mind that takes a lot of energy to maintain. You are the only person on this earth that has the power to change your mind set and how you view yourself. It is essential for your personal growth to show yourself love every single day. When you do, it’s magical what possibilities will become available to you. Positivity breeds positivity so see yourself in the best light possible.” – Steph Elswood @healthychefsteph
“Self care to me is like imagining your body’s resources on a big screen in front of you, showing extremely high numbers & you take a moment to reduce all of those numbers to zero, stepping back to replenish the mind, body & soul rather than letting them all drain away.” – Molly Petken @mollysyoga
“Indulging in a good book and cup of tea (and making sure that it’s a regular occurrence).” – Anonymous
Fearless Bodies 