SELF_ESTEEM_REHAB

We were together almost a year and we had sworn to one another that we would make it a lifetime together, when we actually should have never even have been together. He robbed me not only of my future, my money, my love, but of myself. I met him after I had been sexually assaulted in college and shortly after losing my grandmother. I was in a very vulnerable place, I think he recognized this in me. So he promised me love and protection and of course I wanted it because I needed it. I lost more than 9,000 dollars being with him, got an STD, was verbally and physically being abused, I was unable to speak to my family and friends, was cheated on, accused of having sex with his friends and family. I could not leave the house with him checking my location, facetiming me so I could show him where I was and with who, there we times he smelled me down there.

 

I was not his first victim, I know of another young women he did this to but I was the one he took it the farthest with. I almost had a baby but I lost it. This relationship pushed me to the edge where I would not sleep, eat, would have panic attacks, and thoughts of harming myself which I actually tried to do. I actually did love this person, I had lost so much that he became everything to me but he was showing me who he really was and if did not have him i did not have anything. I knew I finally had to leave him. We were both home that day, I told him I was going to the gym but I actually went and sat in the parking lot for 2 hours and called all my friends and family. I was crying out for help, for courage, and because I was about to leave someone I stilled loved despite what he had done.

I turned on the car drove back and got into his car before he drove off, I started crying and then I told him i could no longer do this, that i had to finally pick myself and not him. I got out went inside and packed up my things. I was living 2 hours away from home, I knew nobody, all i had was my car, job, and school. I was fortunate enough to find people to help me get through it. Two weeks after he called me and cussed me out, told me to pull up so we could fight, then had me robbed. After all this I had a miscarriage, yeah I lost a lot. It’s been 7 months, I am a medical assistant working on going back to school to be an RN, I am still healing but I am in a better place. I got myself out of something I thought would never end, I still don’t know who I am but I now have a chance to decide who I want to be. I am going to therapy, it’s not easy but I am doing it.

Submitted by JS

Comments From Self_Esteem_Rehab

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us JS.

I am so sorry that you had to endure so much trauma. I can only imagine how hurt you are right now. I know it hurts and it will take a while for you to heal but I sincerely believe that you can and will. I am glad you have plans for the future. That’s so encouraging to hear. Your tone is firm and I can only hope you keep healing. I believe there is life after abuse and I know you will thrive.

Thanks again for writing to us.

Sending love your way.

SER.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and Comments On her story. Like and subscribe to read more stories.

 

I am a survivor of Narcissistic personality abuse. It’s an abuse the shook. My world to my core. It knocked me down to my knees until I had the courage to get back up.

I met my child father at the age of 22 from a mutual friend. We started as friends and messed around off and on. Also during that time period I was told he suffer from a TBI due to a bullet lodge into his skull. In addition his mother neglected him at a very young age. There were so many red flags that I ignore that should have paid attention to.
Not until In 2010 when I was suffering from a minor depression and loneliness . Mom always say the devil shows up when your down.
My whole world change upside down. I will never forget the day it happen October 2010. I made fun of his parking skills a light joke and he slapped me across the face. I was shocked by what happen I didn’t know how to react. I stopped talking to him immediately.

Then he Hoovered me back into the relationship making false promises he would do better.
He also gaslighted me to think it was me who instigated him to slap me in the face. Before my son was born the arguments were intense and a lot fighting occur. He would make fun of me and would say things that would hurt me to my core. Everytime I will defend myself and I always end up feeling so drained. In February of 2011 I got into a argument and physical interaction with my child’s father. I will never forget the words he said “I will blackmail you and say that I live in your apartment to get you kicked out or I’ll scream squatters rights.” May I remind you he had his own apartment which he was subleasing illegally. I was drenched in fear that I cooperated and allow him to stayed. My sister came to my house to figure out what had happened but I was to scared to tell her he hit me. Due to her reaction and her heighten the situation.

In March of 2011 when I found out  I was pregnant with my son I was excited but worried. When I told my child’s father his reaction was so vague. I considered abortion but was terrified of the process.During my pregnancy he abused me physically and emotionally. During my child birth he watched me be in pain and smirked. Even the doctor was annoyed by his actions. After my son was birth I was tormented via emails and text about my motherhood finances and all. Thank God for my parents and sister they helped me tremendously through out my abuse that’s what kept me alive. After a death in his family the Narc abuse became unbearable to stalking me at my job, phone, and showing up to my house.

In the mist of it all I was able to graduate with my 2nd degree it was a major accomplishment for me. No he was not invited to my graduation.

In 2013 my dad gave me a heart to heart conversation. He stated the longer you stay in this toxicity deeper the rabbit hole and you will not be able to escape from. With hurt in his eyes. I made it my duty to build boundaries but of course he would over step them.In 2013 The last straw was when he threaten me to get me beat up by his female cousins. I file for OP and custody petition. To make a long story short. I have full physical custody of my son by default because he never showed up for trial. Also he has visitation that is still being modified until this day due to my son in grade School.In court he uses it as narc supply to see me and get some emotions out of me. He refuse to find solutions and co-parent. Recently he was irate in court and was cursing at the judge. The judge dismiss my petition and my visitation was not modify. Due to his outburst ,she was annoyed of his behavior. I filed an appeal and I am still waiting to see the results. No human should ever encounter this at all.

But one thing I learned from this traumatic event is that I never healed from what happened to me from a child. I suffer from codependency and I am a empath who was not taught boundaries . There was so much I had unpack. How I attract this spirit into my life. Thank you to a dear friend of mines I got into numerology and understanding karmic lessons. I had to get to the root of the problem in order to heal what happen to me before and after my relationship with the narcissist. I had to let go of anger in-order to understand why I was not able to moved on. Everyday is a constant challenge to repair the damages of my brain due to this abuse. I meditate, I write in journals and burn sage. I use healing crystals to protect unwanted energies. I read psalms to help protect me. I am so grateful to be alive. I thank the source for allowing to smell flowers to look at the sky and trees. During my relationship with a narc I was not able to do that. I didn’t like staring at the mirror. Now I I look at the mirror and say “You are the CEO of your life”. I finally found my true self and some people are not happy about it. I stand my ground and I am vocal about what bothers me. I hope my story inspire others to find their healing and recovery. I am still healing and research about NPD. Here is a quote that helped me.

The worst nightmare for a Narcissistic sociopath is Educated Empath. namaste

Submitted By Anonymous

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. Abuse is painful and i know you had to fight so many battles to leave and stay away from your partner. I do hope you continue to grow and find peace. Thanks so much for writing this last paragraph. It is filled with so much strength and hope and i believe you will only keep healing deeply.

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Love SER.

 

My story begins at the age of 5 years old, I can recall my father placing me upon his knees, striking me repeatedly with his leather belt, until welts developed on my buttocks, as tears ran down my face from the pain, and begging for his mercy to stop, with glee in his eyes and an enraged look on his face, he continued to beat me with no intervention by my mother for him to stop. My mother in all of the numerous, countless times of his verbal and physical abuse, only once did she stop him. Only once, did someone care enough to help me. What made him stop I do not recall, perhaps it was the red and slightly bloody welts that were becoming worse and more bloody with each beating.

This was my first experience of the emotional, physical and mental abuse that will follow me throughout my childhood, teenage and adult years. The neglect of my emotional and physical needs were prevalent. The physical and verbal abuse continued throughout my teenage years, until I left home at the age of 18. Throughout all of my childhood, no one, not even my mother cared to help me through this, for she was as cold, and aloof as he.

I continued the cycle of abuse and neglect for many years. But one relationship was by far the worst. He was also a narcissist. He would love me one day, or even a week, then abandon me the next. Tell me he loves me, we will marry, lets buy a house, then abandon me the next day, or week. He would not come home until the next day or week, never knowing where he was or who he was with. And each time I would take him back into my loving arms, no question asked, as long as he returned to me. Then in a few days time, the pattern would repeat itself. Time after time I endured such gaslighting, lies, abandonment, physical and verbal abuse, neglect. This lasted for 2 long arduous, tumultuous years. Then I said enough. Through therapy, help from a few good friends and lots of prayer I survived. I made it through the darkest, almost darkest times.

Present day, I am married, to a man, who is emotionally and physically absent, and always has been. My basic needs, food, shelter etc., are met, but unfortunate for me, I married someone who can and never will fulfill the most heartfelt of needs. Although he is not a narcissist, nor is he physically abusive, he is neglectful and selfish with his refusal to change. Neglect emotionally and physically is prevalent, it seems I have not overcome my fear of commitment, I again chose someone who is emotionally and physically unavailable, how sad for me.
But I survived, I truly don’t know how I made it through, but I have. This process has taught such a valuable lesson, I will never ever again, allow anyone, friend or foe, no one, to tolerate such bullshit physical or verbal abuse again. Never.

I am so grateful to you, for permitting me to share such heartfelt, hurtful memories. Thank you, for allowing me to write this.

Submitted by:Anonymous.

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us! Who can relate to this story? Did you suffer from childhood abuse and molestation. Please share your experiences with us by sending an email to selfesteemrehab@gmail.com or leave a comment on the blog.

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Love, SER

You,
You are the most dangerous of all kinds of people. Soulless. A box dressed up so beautifully, but completely fucking empty. I wish I could have just opened you right away, figured you out, God knows I tried. A Parasite, sucking everything around you lifeless for your own benefit, to only end up alone and cold..frozen inside. Poison. Yes, you poisoned me in a way that became self destructive, that made me beg for more even though deep down, in my gut, I knew there was something terribly wrong with you, and not me. you were killing me, but I didn’t care-my own personal heroine, fully and utterly addicted. My “mental illness, paranoia, and schizophrenia” (none of which actually even existed) became the focal point of our “relationship”.

The excuse for everything, the diversion to what was really going on. You’re an insidious fuck, convincing a young woman that she’s schizophrenic. I wasn’t making anything up or delusional, what was actually going on was that all my accusations and hunches were not only correct but just the cherry on the cupcake and not even comparable to what was going on. The things you did daily, I’ve never even heard of before, before you and it was beyond being naive, you are not human. The level of gaslighting you’re able to achieve successfully is outstanding. I know you intentionally got me pregnant now, forcing me to stay through suicide over and over and over because you knew that was my weakness because you knew how much my best friend dying broke me. Soulless, parasitic, poisonous. I had so much going for me when I met you, but my foundation was rocked. You came in like everything my heart was aching for but ended up being the physical representation of all my deepest fears and shattered me. After 5 years of torture from you, I was diagnosed with complex PSTD, I have a divorce on my record, two children, an abortion that I didn’t want but was the only way to get me and the two others away from you, no money or belongings to my name, no home, and almost no support system due from an extreme amount of isolation from you but, I survived.

Two years have passed-I went through school as a single mom in her 20s with two kids under four, I have a new car, belongings, a job, a new house, my two beautiful and healthy children, I’m building up a support system and relationships again, but most importantly I have my self back- a new and improved version you will never have the honor of knowing. I look alive again, I feel alive again, I am alive again. I will heal and forgive myself for what transpired between us, you will always be a psychopath. And that is my revenge, to become everything you tried so desperately to ruin- to be my own person,
to make a positive difference in the world, and to be happy. You’ll fuck yourself on your own

 

Submitted By A.

Comments By SER: A…you write with so much power its impossible not to smile as I read through the pain and then again through the victory. This is a story that reminds all of us that there is another side to abuse. We can recover,we can win and we will One Day at A Time!

You All got this!

 I was with my then fiancée for two years and was engaged from July 7, 2018 to December 29, 2018. Midway in our relationship, he was very critical of my appearance, especially my weight and used it as condition to marry me. I’d tried but the weight did not come off-in fact, it did the opposite. He’s active duty Air Force and got orders to New Mexico. I was initially was supposed to go with him of May 2018 but he said he was deploying in October 2018 and it was best I stay back in Pennsylvania until he return from deployment.
Since May, he had flown me round trip from Pennsylvania to New Mexico three times. He pushed our wedding from May 12, 2019 to May 14, 2020 because, “..wanted everything settled, where we will live after June, us getting fit, and whether or not I get orders out of here.” October came-no deployment; he told me they’d pushed it to February 2019. I understood, considering I grew up and was in the military myself.
The third visit was December 10-16th. He was critical of my weight and behaved differently(ie less affectionate and withdrawn), thus still said “I love you”. Once I left New Mexico, the text messages and calls drastically decline; days later “silent treatment”; December 21st he finally picked up the phone and confessed he wasn’t “feeling our relationship” due to my weight and he cheated on me. I cried and plead to work things out and we’d agreed. The following day, I asked him if he was still communicating with the other woman, he said yes. I asked why and he responded I don’t know. I lashed out and hung up. When I try calling back, I was back in “silent treatment”. I drove to New Mexico alone (23 hours non stop with exception for gas)December 27 with his belongings he left behind in Pennsylvania. I had the key he made for me to his place in New Mexico. I called before unlocking the door and of course, no answer. Once I unlocked the door, he stood there and I asked was our engagement over and he nodded his head yes. I cried, pleaded and mistakenly became intimate twice but he insisted being with the other woman because “he’s in love and she makes him happy”. December 29th I had to leave to return to Pennsylvania. I was hoping he would prevent me from doing so but when I asked are you sure you want to do this, he replied yes.
I drove back emotionally distraught, mind you, it was snowing that night. Once I arrived to Pennsylvania, no call or anything from him to see if Id arrived back safely. The following day, one brave colleague at work called, inquired and sent me screenshots of his Facebook (because prior I did not have Facebook). I fell apart: he had pictures of the other woman(who knew of me) and announced on FB he was in a relationship with her since December 24th; dates of pictures where I was at his place while he was out with the other woman. I cried and took off for the rest of the day. I was hurt and humiliated. The other woman was married to another service member(who my then fiancée knew and was stationed at same base) for six years and her husband filed a divorce November 2017.
I still had the engagement ring on-with false hope my then fiancée would wake up and have remorse. I had it cleaned and inspected as scheduled January 5th. We had it arranged where we will be both notified via text and email the ring has been cleaned and inspected. On January 6th, he proposed to the other woman. I went off on both of them. They got married April 28th, a month prior to our initial wedding date, May 12, 2019. In between mid December and now they went above and beyond with PDA, loving adjectives and pettiness. The other woman even live streamed the wedding.
I’m beyond devastated; I’d cried everyday since December and I feel hopeless, used, humiliated and not worthy to love/ marry.. like I’m not good enough. I’d relocated to DMV (dc md va) March 14th, deleted my Facebook as of this morning, and still feel like a walking shell. Everyone said I dodged a huge bullet. I see it but my heart is broken and the pain is still there.

 

What advice or books I can read to help me in my healing and recovery? Thank you.

Submitted by ES

Please Feel Free to respond with suggestions of books she can read and any advice about her situation.

Thanks For Sharing you story with us.

Sincerely,

SER

Hi,

My name is Rose,

I was in a relationship for 13 years with a covert passive aggressive narcissist (I only discovered what I was dealing with after the discard). We have a year old son together and I have a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
1 months and 2 weeks ago after pointing out to the narc that his behaviour towards was cold and indifferent, he admitted that when he went to his home country (Grenada) for his mum’s 70th birthday last year 2018, he had a fling and has a 2months old baby daughter. Came back to the UK, slept in my bed for over a year while going through a 9 months pregnancy with someone on the other side of the Atlantic. My world crushed. The pain has been intense. The first time he cheated to my knowledge was in 2015 when his colleague came knocking on my door. I don’t know how many more but I forgave the first time.
The first 2 weeks of June I was an emotional reck. I couldn’t understand it as I did everything for this man. Now it’s like he has never known me and all he does is to drop off/ pick up his son. He shows off the new baby’s pictures to our circle of friends and talks bad about me like I am crazy (I threw his belongings onto the floor and asked him to leave my appartement on the same day of the discard).
It is emotionally hard because I am trying to make sense of everything while trying to keep an eye on my son’s emotions.
I have started running/ exercising again and meditation which helps with insomnia.
The narc’s brother is an Overt Narcissist and it is his ex girlfriend who told me about narcissism. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel to internationally cause emotional distress to people who love them.
I need to break this cycle with my son. I pray to God that he shows respect to other human beings.

I would like to say thank you for your posts on Instagram. They help me tremendously.

Rose

I spent nearly nine years in the clutches of a narcissist. I have spent the last three and a half dealing with the fallout of that ‘relationship’. I didn’t ever get closure and broke the cardinal rule of staying in contact with him. Sporadically at first, but in the last six months he suddenly appeared more talkative. I should have realised why. His new partner (obviously starting to doubt his words and actions) read a message from me and contacted me. Initially she was very abusive. Then a few weeks ago she contacted me to say I could have him back! I recognised the ramblings of a confused person. I didn’t want him back but as a classic empath messaged her. Every single ‘issue’ she has with him I recognise, the little digs, the gas lighting, the phrases he uses – it almost sounds like a script. His on/off behaviour, his inability to admit he could possibly be in the wrong etc etc. She kicked him out but let him back, she has called the police yet…she is considering having a child with him! She is in the middle of it all. I can see that, she blames herself, she is angry, she is drinking, confused, upset. He calls her ‘mental’, ‘irrational’. He told me months ago he was planning his escape, then he told me he didn’t see a future with her. Then she told me the lies he had told her about me. Oh, they were good!! Anyway, he is back with her. For how long? Who knows. He has blocked me now. I suppose it is because I now realise the total truth about him. He is a narcissist and he has his new victim.

Submitted by S. B.

Does your partner have this same trait. Does he go back and forth between you and his new partner telling terrible lies about both of you to each other. That’s a classic Narc Act. Please leave us a comment to let us know if you experienced this.

Love Always,

LEN

Hi my I don’t know where to start. I had two young girls and had been attending a gym for a few months when the owner started saying he would work out with me during quiet periods to help me on some machines! So then we would chat, looking back he listened to my stories of my awful ex, working, raising two kids, never having enough time to find a good man. Looking back that’s when I was giving him everything he could use against me. His daughter was 18 and worked with him. I knew she knew about her dads previous girlfriends and she soon knew about me as he was leaving me presents in the gym, helping fix my car etc. Fast forward a year and I get a call off his wife when I’m six months pregnant with his child! Though they did not live together for over four years, apparently they were on and off. The said daughter also gave her mother my address to where she came to threaten and strangle me whilst I was pregnant. So the man then denied our baby to all of his family! When our daughter was born his wife officially left him and he came back saw her almost every day until she turned one. During this time he would show me messages off women asking about our daughter/ take phone calls I could hear women asking how much longer he’ll be when I asked who this was who is he with I was told “ your paranoid she’s a friend. Etc, His older children never saw our daughter as he told them I had stalked and trapped him. After he suddenly abandoned her after her first birthday, changed address and telephone number he subsequently turned up three times in 2018, each of which was when I had been on a night out before . In 2019 I saw him with a woman in his van and unfortunately I pulled up next to it to ask him if he’d like to pay towards our child ( this man is now know to be “dodgy” should we say with thousands of pounds earned each week. Here his 30 years younger girlfriend tells me, well screams at me “ why should he pay for a kid he’s not allowed to see!” To which he agreed with her as I stood there wondering who this was on front of me. So this woman has two boys and a girl who was born in 2018! No one knows who that baby’s dad is and he still denies its his. This girl was also in his sons class at school and is friends with his nieces. They are now all over social media happy and she is accepted by his family which I never was. I find this is still crushing me though I feel less paranoid/ more settled and calm without him in our lives. I will never understand how at the beginning red flags popped up and I tried to end it, blocked him, changed gyms etc to where he’d leave flowers in my garden, notes on my car, letters in the post. To one day poof gone. And now to see the new girl being taken out/ accepted by his family, all loved up it still cuts me deep. Also last year I got nothing off him for mother’s day but this year he brought heron his car outside my house, posted a card through my door with £100 saying what a wonderful mother I am. I’m sure this was to wind both me and his girlfriend up.

Story Submitted BY KB

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Thanks,

SER

 

 

 

 

I loved him, I loved him more than life itself. He was everything i longed for and more.
I loved him and showed him with a passion undying and overwhelming .
He couldn’t have missed it.
And he told me he loved me too.
He said he’d marry me for he loved me more than anyone before , he told his mother ( rip). Mama I have had many girls before but she is the one and she is the last one .
And I loved him, so I believed him.

He started to change right away after he knew I loved him.
He introduced me to his friends in a awful unkind way, it made me cry and feel extremely bad about myself.
And I loved him, I still loved him.

Things changed, he started ridicule me, belittling me in covered ways, it hurt me, made me cry but I loved him more day by day.
I thought if I just showed him love, he’d love me back again the way he had promised to do. The way he had introduced himself to me.
And some moments, he gave me a little glimpse of that and I loved him more again.

This went on and on. Me loving him more and more every time he hurt me . He beat me, hurt me with words, with other women, with more beatings and more words.
And I changed into a girl I did not like anymore. Obviously I didn’t love enough, so I gave more love..
but I hated myself.

What was wrong with me? I loved and loved so dearly , every bit of him I loved. His darkest side I loved.
Which hurt me, truly devastated me.
I tried to tell others, they said : stop loving him, he doesn’t love you.

But that didn’t work for me. What was it in me, that wasn’t right?
I kept searching within me. How can I not heal this man with my undying love?

One day he beat me so bad I barely survived. I couldn’t breath , I couldn’t believe how bad I must have been for deserving this beating. I couldn’t walk for three weeks.
I was afraid of him ever since. But I still loved him. I loved him passionately until death , I promised myself to not leave.

He didn’t love me but I loved him.

I caught him with another woman, I saw them with my own eyes, a friend was with me. He saw it too.
They denied for her husband was dying from lung cancer( easy new supply, she was desperate. Of course I did not know at that time what new supply was) at that time so it would be really ugly. But I saw it.
And I loved him still.
I decided to make plans to leave so they could be together. For I loved him and all I wanted was for him to heal and be able to love too.
I wished he’d see my love .. but he didn’t. I tried for another six months

He started to hurt me more with words. Started to hate my kids and verbally attack them .
I fell out of love. I stopped loving him straight away.
I left without looking back, never again is what I told myself.

He was brutal and harsh and mean and ugly and unkind and dark.
And I opened my eyes and started to wake up. He never loved me. It still hurts, thinking of that sad truth.
And I had to do some deep searching into my soul .
Why did I give away my power?
Why did I love a man that never loved me but abused me, hurt me?

Deep in me there was this believe I didn’t deserve better.
And I still find it hard not to wonder off to the image he served me in the beginning.
But I reprogrammed my brain.
I looked for the lesson and started to heal. It’s dirty and ugly and dark and painful. Healing is no bubble bath and sunshine. It’s darkness and traumatic and diving in the deepest sadness within you.

How sad it was to find my little me thinking I didn’t deserve love?
How hard it was to learn to trust again! To learn to love myself first..

To love myself and all my trauma and darkness and ugliness like I loved him, was not easy.
It was hard and painful and lonely and sad and exhausting..

Eight months further down the path of becoming whole again , I still find it’s an everyday struggle.
But there is love and light l turn to.
There is hope and so much trust and there is a fire within me, a desire , an excitement an energy flowing, a longing for happiness to burst through and shine out into this world. All the love I kept inside waiting to flood the world.
All the words in me , wanting to be penned on paper.

Words of hope, words of healing, words of courage and of gratitude

I am still alive! He couldn’t kill me like he said he wanted to.
And the dark in me that he reflected , I embrace. And I forgive myself for I can honestly say I’m thankful for the lesson learned. And I can say I wish you wisdom and healing and love.
And when I say I wish you love, I grow , When I say I wish you healing , I heal too , when I say I forgive you, I forgive myself..

It’s been hard work but worth it
It’s been loosing everything I got but I’m richer in spirit now.

He said : I will destroy you completely!!
I say he did.. that old me is dead for sure.
A new me has been born. Out of that endless love I have in me.A new me that can love again but loves me first now..

Peace out,

Submitted by Enid

“Thanks So much for sharing you story  Enid. You write so beautifully. You story though filled with pain is also filled with so much hope for a better tomorrow. Breaking the ties that bound you to your abusive partner was not and easy ordeal. I am glad that you found the strength and peace to do that and I cant wait to see what life has in store for you. Keep Soaring and Keep healing. The future is Full of Possibilities”. Regards SER

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Best,

SER