the devil’s advocate is raging inside of me.

12|2|17. it’s been almost a month since my favorite band started to crumble before my eyes. i still feel a lot of things about it, still can’t wrap my head around it. mostly for reasons that haven’t been spoken up about much. at least not as loudly as the other takes. i started to write something about it earlier on in that time when things were still heavy and heated. it’s cooled down since, but it still doesn’t feel the same, even for the people like me who will still listen to and enjoy their music. i think there’s still something missing for all of us. the community is tainted. there’s a sense of pride that has dulled to an unsure whisper. things are just weird. and to be completely honest, i don’t get what for. i wasn’t going to make this public, but i’ve been feeling an uncontrollable need to share these seemingly less popular thoughts.

i assure you i’m not here to try and persuade anyone, or to try to tell anyone that they’re right or wrong. i’m not here to try and singlehandedly save brand new’s career or free jesse lacey from the wrath of the internet. i’m just here to share a perspective that i find is often looked down upon, like the devil’s advocate is a taboo position to play. my goal here is not to have us all be on the same side, but to at least be more willing to see from each other’s, to open up a new kind of dialogue…

“the observer of aggression is pervaded with aggression. therefore, nothing happens.” — david bohm.

11|15|17. i support both parties. i support the victims for obvious reasons, and i support jesse not because he is someone who helped create the music that changed the last fourteen years of my life, but because he is, contrary to recent belief, a human being. to me, this is not about brand new nor is it about the victims as much as this is about society as a whole, and the roles each of us play in it.

let me first set the record straight: i firmly believe that what happened to these women is not okay.* it should not be taken lightly. we should let them heal, let them speak, and we should applaud them for the bravery it takes to be vulnerable and honest. right? i do not discredit their experiences because of how long it took for them to speak out — these details were obviously difficult to uncover if it took them over a decade to find the words. it wasn’t even until recently that we were given the notion that it’s okay to find these kinds of words. and i do not discredit their experiences because they didn’t just walk away instead of allow these things to happen, because if it were just that easy to realize you were in a bad situation while you were in one or to walk away from anything at all, we would ALL have a lot less baggage to carry around with us. if it weren’t for people like the women we heard from this past week, we would still be under the impression that we should take these traumas to our graves. they deserve for the weight of their stories to be lifted from their chests, and we, as people amongst people, should listen and support each other in our darkest times. right?

it’s a tragically inspiring thing that this is happening at the rate that it is. it’s been a sensitive and delicate time for many, for a number of reasons. a lot has been happening at once. it’s overwhelming. it’s consuming. through all of the chaos that we’ve been having to wrap our brains around, i think there are some things that we’ve lost sight of. things that in this situation or in any, we’ve lost the energy to even realize have been pushed to the back of our minds by anguish and aggression. things that we’ve lost the will to search for. i strongly believe that through the intensity of it all, we’ve forgotten to take into consideration the basic concepts of humanity.

my greatest problem with this entire situation, and the current general state of our society, is people. not any specific person. not any specific type of person. it’s just. people. it’s you as much as it’s me. it’s us just as much as them. it is the fact that there is an “us” and a “them” and that we enable it just as much as we want it gone. it is the hundreds of boundaries we draw between each other in our attempts to erase them, and the circle we are running in when we think we’re charging at a straight line. it’s how we don’t take the second to step back and look at the bigger picture of what’s actually happening to us. not in this situation or that situation, but as one whole system in one massive, collective situation. it’s how we don’t check in with if we believe in our thoughts and our actions before we pursue them, and how we seldom ask ourselves, “is this really me thinking, or is this just the popular impulse?” we are so reactive that our reactions have become a brutally contagious virus that we’ve just given up on defending our immunity from. we’ve accepted the disease. we’ve accepted it so much that we keep it alive, but we’re trying to fight it off all the same. we don’t wonder if we’re on autopilot or if we’re genuine because we’re too wrapped up in our side being right and their side being wrong to question our own consequences. we’re too proud to grasp the slight possibility that our actions that we think are so noble and helpful may even have consequences. none of us want to accept the fact that we may be contributing to the very chaos that we are fighting to end. the bottom line is that we, you or i, do not invest the time into thinking about whether the things we do make any fucking sense or not.

let’s take jesse’s statement, for instance.

the brand new fan base and beyond asked and hoped for one. in most cases, he was harassed for one. harassed by people offended by his actions of harassment (do you see the irony here? do you see where this is going?). he was begged to stop being such a coward and to own up. and he did.

he admitted that he hurt and took advantage of people, that he was not looking for forgiveness from others nor himself; that he wanted to earn it through actions. he went as far as to admit that he cheated on his wife — something he in no way owed the general public. and he admitted that he had a very specific problem that he was seeking professional help for — something that is even difficult to admit to those closest to you in your life, let alone to thousands of strangers at once.

in these times, we should let him heal, let him speak, and we should applaud him for the bravery it takes to be vulnerable and honest. right? or are we making exceptions because of the depth of the situation? if we validate exceptions in one area, we are validating exceptions. you cannot pick and choose this shit without any consequences. and these consequences are the exact reason we are in this very place.

“but he’s full of shit,” you may be saying. “he doesn’t deserve a chance.”

it confuses me that the people who were the quickest to beg for him to say something were the ones who wanted to hear it the least when he did. it’s as if we had our feelings towards it predetermined. it wouldn’t have mattered what he said. we got what we asked for only to reject it. we deemed it narcissistic. we deemed it ingenuine. we deemed it half-assed. for the last week or so, i’ve been wondering who ever left it up to us to decide how sincere another’s words are? because as far as i’m concerned, it is not up to us to decide. it never was. it never will be. it shouldn’t ever be.

if you’ve never deeply and sincerely apologized for something you would give anything to take back only to have it be thrown back in your face to live with the regret of by people whom you thought were there for you, or you’ve never gone through the pain of being taken for a liar for something you truly meant but couldn’t prove, bless your soul. i hope you never have to live with that guilt. but if you have, this would be a great and humbling opportunity to reflect on that memory.

we’re taking the words of women whom we don’t know personally, but refusing the words of a man’s apology whom we don’t know any better. we know the words to his band’s songs and we know the things he should not have ever done years and years ago. you might know rumors and you might have heard stories. we’ve taken part in gossip, but we do not know jesse lacey. honestly, jesse lacey probably doesn’t even know jesse lacey.

i know it might feel morally wrong to believe this, but it is possible to not pick sides. you can hurt for the victims and feel for the artist whose pain you once found solace in while he works towards bettering himself at the same time.

we’ve done it before. what about the addict or the mentally unwell who stole from and lied to and manipulated others? we stand by them as they try to get better because we, as people amongst people, should listen and support each other in our darkest times. right? there are still innocent people being taken advantage of and hurt and emotionally scarred in the process of the unraveling of another’s pain and suffering. but when they seek help, it’s heroic. we are supporting the music of countless artists who have committed to hurtful acts. but this is different, why? because, just like all of us, they are complex human beings with complex emotions and issues?

maybe one of the problems we’re having here is that for all of these years, we didn’t see jesse as a complex human being with complex emotions and issues. we put him on a pedestal and worshiped him, and we’re devastated to see that he is not the god we once made him out to be, that he’s imperfect and that he has royally fucked up in his lifetime.

the truth is that if we were to boycott the art of anyone we’ve ever looked up to who at one point in some way abused their power, we would have close to nothing left. it’s how you pick yourself up after you realize what you’ve done that sets you apart. i think that’s more heroic than never having fucked up at all.

i’m not saying that an apology magically makes everything okay. i am saying that you cannot possibly ask for more of a human being other than for them to go back in time. i’m saying that if we keep defining people by their demons, if we keep locking people in the positions of their past, we are contributing to the problem. if we want people like these innocent women to stop getting hurt, we have to allow those who actually want to become better the room to become better.

we are all human beings with complex emotions and issues. is that not a tremendous part of why we have ever loved brand new the way that we have? for all these years, we’ve confided in the lyrical genius of their work. the words about hating who you once were, living in deep regret, letting people down, letting yourself down. making mistakes, living with those mistakes, being haunted by those mistakes. the state of your mental health turning you into somebody you’re not proud of. they all spoke to us. we screamed them at each other. we tattooed them into our skin. we wrote them in journals and on walls. we felt jesse’s pain, we related to it, and we’ve sung every one of those words with him. he would say, “i am on the mend. at least now i can say that i am trying, and i hope you will forget things i still lack,” and we would say, “yeah,” like we meant it. he spent seventeen years of his life telling us how much he fucked up, and we would scream it all with him as if we got it, and then we abandoned him as if to say, “nevermind, i didn’t know you were that fucked up,” like after all this time, we spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.

now let’s look at the bigger picture. like, let’s say, how we depict men. all of them.

we tell them that they are “all trash.” but at the same time, we tell them they “have to do better.” we ask them to “do better,” but we are so strong in our beliefs that “every single one of them are trash.” we ask men to “do better,” and when they try, it’s not enough. we separate the men from the women and wonder why there is a separation. we make generalizations and we label groups with traits and wonder why they act the way we insistently convince them they do. we emphasize stereotypes and wonder why the exist. we live in a world that seems to believe that anger and rage are the best solutions, and still wonder why we’re always at war. we want equality, but we don’t treat each other as equals.

it doesn’t. make. sense.

the tables can absolutely be turned to say that men see women one way, too. or that the republicans see democrats this way, and the democrats see the republicans another. white people are seen this way, and colored people that way. gays this way, cops that way, immigrants another way, blah blah blah. it’s all the fucking same. none of it is fair. none of it makes sense. if they’re a piece of shit for seeing this group this way, you’re a piece of shit for seeing that group that way.

if your response to this is “but if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention” or “anger is why our voices are being heard,” i think you’re right. i agree that there are things happening in our society that we have every right to be angry about, and that anger is a huge reason why voices are being heard. but do i think anger is what will make things better in the long run? absolutely not. i think we are confusing anger for passion because they are happening at the same time, and they can feel very similar. i think we are distributing our efforts in a counterproductive way. i think that anger is the fuel, and that passion is where we make the change.

you can call me naive all you want that i think the only want to get rid of this god forsaken hatred problem we have is to just not fucking partake in it no matter how hard some people make it, but what else have we tried that’s worked? we’re still running in circles and blaming groups and drawing lines. hatred is hatred no matter where it lives. you can say “men need to do better” or this or that or the other thing all you want, but i think we all need to do better if we want to see any kind of societal progress in our lifetime. somewhere within this death trap, something has got to give. someone has got to let go of their ego and see that what we’re doing isn’t working and break the cycle.

it may not be our fault that these people exist, but i do think it is our fault that these kinds of people continue to exist. the problem is that we are the problem. the problem is we think we’re putting the fire out when we’re really using gasoline.

if you still after these points feel so deeply that jesse deserves for his life and career to be ruined, i cannot take that away from you. i am in no way here to invalidate your beliefs. but do keep in mind that jesse is not all of brand new. he is not the only one suffering from the way certain views are screaming louder than others. there is more than one career and life experience at hand. there is an entire band and crew that is potentially out of not only a job, but a major life experience. there is an entire group of innocent, talented people who very well might not get to say goodbye to the hard work and dedication they’ve put into this music for the last seventeen years like they thought they would. there are fans who believe in jesse’s recovery and want to be able to say goodbye to something that meant to the world to them like they thought they would.

now, i don’t want anyone to think that “we should all just hold hands and get along” is the point i’m trying to make. i want to reiterate that i do not condone the mistreatment of any individual. i don’t think that anyone who has done harm to another on any level should get a pass simply because they owned up and apologized. there’s a certain harshness these people must face to truly understand the impact of their actions, and there should be a sense of justice for those who have been hurt. it’s the extent of the punisment and the justice that i question. i’m not a professional. i don’t know what the most logical course of action really is here. i just know it’s not what we’ve been presenting.

with all that being said, i will be making a donation to RAINN; the rape, abuse and incest national network, to help victims of sexual assault find the guidance and support they need, and for the awareness to continue to spread. at the same time, i will be here to support anybody who wants to use their voice to release any of their guilt to move forward with their healing, too. i have no desire to silence the voice of any victim. but i also do not have the desire to silence the voice of anybody who wants to listen to these voices and be better. because isn’t that the goal — for people to listen and want to be better because of our voices?

i’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts and to open up this dialogue. whether you agree with me or not, thank you for reading.

*in the original version of this piece, i said “what allegedly happened,” but have since removed after it was pointed out to me that it wasn’t right. i realize that was a form of silencing and dismissing the victims and i apologize.

if you are interested in hearing the perspective on the jesse lacey allegations from a victim of a separate sexual assault, you can read the story of a friend of mine who has been brave and strong enough to offer to share hers here.