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seher • سحر @seher
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<3

2019-05-13 20:26

392 22

 

<3

jess in greenpoint
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being in love is a fractional concept; a limited attempt to grasp and express love’s infinity.
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there is constriction in its selectivity, its specificity. an innocent cloudiness in the bliss. we think we’ve found home. in a way, we have.
.
being in love feels more like a stepping stone, a window. the vibration of another resonates with a matching counterpart within us— we vibrate. this feeling: a taste of all-permeating divine oneness. we are in recognition, remembrance of our true nature. to love and to be loved is a mirroring.
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our loves are not “the ones,” exceptional unicorns uniquely deserving of our bright eyes. our loves are guides and messengers of the truth of what and who we all are. the truth of all beings: that we *are* love and our fabric is a single shared universal consciousness.
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experiencing love is an awakening. it is an expansion that will always live with us should we choose to accept this gift. the loss of a body or a relationship can never destroy or negate the opening that was created.
.
being brave for love in all forms at every opportunity, without stifling it by qualification; our hearts flower open more each time, breath becomes easier. life becomes more of a being and a knowing than a doing. there is freedom.
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i find myself leaning towards the softness and sweetness of simply *being* unconditional love; where we are deeply “in love” with all beings, all at once, at all times, without exception. i think it’s the secret to all things.
.
<3

2019-05-04 20:15

158 10

 

jess in greenpoint . being in love is a fractional concept; a limited attempt to grasp and express love’s infinity. . there is constriction in its selectivity, its specificity. an innocent cloudiness in the bliss. we think we’ve found home. in a way, we have. . being in love feels more like a stepping stone, a window. the vibration of another resonates with a matching counterpart within us— we vibrate. this feeling: a taste of all-permeating divine oneness. we are in recognition, remembrance of our true nature. to love and to be loved is a mirroring. . our loves are not “the ones,” exceptional unicorns uniquely deserving of our bright eyes. our loves are guides and messengers of the truth of what and who we all are. the truth of all beings: that we *are* love and our fabric is a single shared universal consciousness. . experiencing love is an awakening. it is an expansion that will always live with us should we choose to accept this gift. the loss of a body or a relationship can never destroy or negate the opening that was created. . being brave for love in all forms at every opportunity, without stifling it by qualification; our hearts flower open more each time, breath becomes easier. life becomes more of a being and a knowing than a doing. there is freedom. . i find myself leaning towards the softness and sweetness of simply *being* unconditional love; where we are deeply “in love” with all beings, all at once, at all times, without exception. i think it’s the secret to all things. . <3

i can’t remember if i shared this opening bit recently in stories or not. so feel free to pretend it’s interesting all over again just in case.
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my initial major in college was computer science. i took two c++ courses and aced them.
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my mom basically chose that major for me (i was too lazy to do law school or med school). wasn’t what i wanted but i was obedient.
.
i taught myself to code websites and graphic design in high school for fun. it was a very hackeneyed proficiency but i did my thing. i was in web rings and had a guest book and custom graphics on my personal web page and everything.
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and because i was a total elitist snob, i refused to use any software like dreamweaver or front page— i coded that shit from scratch in microsoft notepad.
.
mid-semester, i changed my major from comp sci to business. dropped all my courses. and so i wouldn’t lose the semester, signed up for a full load of half term intensive courses.
.
then i went to a top business school (wharton) to only end up at a whack ass marketing analytics job i hated. i wanted to be in marketing strategy and creative, and the jobs i wanted were in new york. my traditional pakistani immigrant parents made me move back home to the bay. so i literally took the job that paid me the highest and dealt with it. for four years.
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my parents also said i couldn’t live on my own til i got married. finally making that stand for myself— after explosive arguments and real threats to my relationship with my family— changed my life forever. i moved from the suburbs to san francisco for a few years.
.
then i got fired. other best thing that changed my life. moved to nyc 8 years ago almost to the day. became a freelance photographer. i taught myself that, too.
.
after some time i realized that photography alone wasn’t fulfilling me. last 4 years or so i’ve been searching for deeper meaning, a rich + holistic + multifaceted work life, and what exactly my higher calling looks like. it’s required a lot of patience. i’ve got some answers, and i have a lot more questions.
.
potential morals:
.
ya girl been on the internet since earthlink and prodigy. middle school. we old.
.
the journey is vast.
.
<3

2019-05-04 00:17

395 50

 

i can’t remember if i shared this opening bit recently in stories or not. so feel free to pretend it’s interesting all over again just in case. . my initial major in college was computer science. i took two c++ courses and aced them. . my mom basically chose that major for me (i was too lazy to do law school or med school). wasn’t what i wanted but i was obedient. . i taught myself to code websites and graphic design in high school for fun. it was a very hackeneyed proficiency but i did my thing. i was in web rings and had a guest book and custom graphics on my personal web page and everything. . and because i was a total elitist snob, i refused to use any software like dreamweaver or front page— i coded that shit from scratch in microsoft notepad. . mid-semester, i changed my major from comp sci to business. dropped all my courses. and so i wouldn’t lose the semester, signed up for a full load of half term intensive courses. . then i went to a top business school (wharton) to only end up at a whack ass marketing analytics job i hated. i wanted to be in marketing strategy and creative, and the jobs i wanted were in new york. my traditional pakistani immigrant parents made me move back home to the bay. so i literally took the job that paid me the highest and dealt with it. for four years. . my parents also said i couldn’t live on my own til i got married. finally making that stand for myself— after explosive arguments and real threats to my relationship with my family— changed my life forever. i moved from the suburbs to san francisco for a few years. . then i got fired. other best thing that changed my life. moved to nyc 8 years ago almost to the day. became a freelance photographer. i taught myself that, too. . after some time i realized that photography alone wasn’t fulfilling me. last 4 years or so i’ve been searching for deeper meaning, a rich + holistic + multifaceted work life, and what exactly my higher calling looks like. it’s required a lot of patience. i’ve got some answers, and i have a lot more questions. . potential morals: . ya girl been on the internet since earthlink and prodigy. middle school. we old. . the journey is vast. . <3

i’ve been hearing the word “negative” a lot in the wellness space recently; negative feelings, negative energy, negative people, negative habits, etcetera.
.
to call something negative is to negate it— to remove credence and worthiness from it. it is a dangerous judgment that we casually make on all sorts of things, people, and situations on a daily basis.
.
as you may have read on a couple of my recent posts on permission and empowerment, i believe our words impact our subconscious and well-being more than we realize.
.
what actually happens when label our feelings, for example, as “negative?” well, our subconscious becomes conditioned to believe that these particular feelings suck. and then we may be led to believe that we suck, or are weak, or are failures. it doesn’t matter if these beliefs reach our conscious minds or not— our subconscious, the chief control center that pulls our lil human puppet strings, will be operating on these beliefs.
.
okay, so let’s say a person’s subconscious has decided they are whack as hell because they have challenging feelings they’ve judged as “negative” (and then probably suppressed or brushed aside). let’s say that this person’s conscious mind believes that they mostly like themselves. let’s posit this person also happens to be simultaneously living their best life on the outside— because that high-functioning “fight” of fight-flight-freeze fame is some real ass shit when your subconscious is trying to overcome your conditioning by giving you the illusion of safety...
.
what can happen from here is that the suppressed emotions and unchecked self-judgments can turn into mental or physical illness. they can also turn into chronic, seemingly random “the world is against me” life patterns— in relationships, career, whatever. these are classic examples of stagnant or blocked energy/qi/life force being expressed via the body-mind connection.
.
(continued in comments | 1/3)

2019-04-26 22:39

378 50

 

i’ve been hearing the word “negative” a lot in the wellness space recently; negative feelings, negative energy, negative people, negative habits, etcetera. . to call something negative is to negate it— to remove credence and worthiness from it. it is a dangerous judgment that we casually make on all sorts of things, people, and situations on a daily basis. . as you may have read on a couple of my recent posts on permission and empowerment, i believe our words impact our subconscious and well-being more than we realize. . what actually happens when label our feelings, for example, as “negative” well, our subconscious becomes conditioned to believe that these particular feelings suck. and then we may be led to believe that we suck, or are weak, or are failures. it doesn’t matter if these beliefs reach our conscious minds or not— our subconscious, the chief control center that pulls our lil human puppet strings, will be operating on these beliefs. . okay, so let’s say a person’s subconscious has decided they are whack as hell because they have challenging feelings they’ve judged as “negative” (and then probably suppressed or brushed aside). let’s say that this person’s conscious mind believes that they mostly like themselves. let’s posit this person also happens to be simultaneously living their best life on the outside— because that high-functioning “fight” of fight-flight-freeze fame is some real ass shit when your subconscious is trying to overcome your conditioning by giving you the illusion of safety... . what can happen from here is that the suppressed emotions and unchecked self-judgments can turn into mental or physical illness. they can also turn into chronic, seemingly random “the world is against me” life patterns— in relationships, career, whatever. these are classic examples of stagnant or blocked energy/qi/life force being expressed via the body-mind connection. . (continued in comments | 1/3)

remember to exhale. | some years ago, a therapist told me that i tend to subconsciously hold my breath. i learned that this habit comes from subconscious anxiety (probably amongst other things) and that such limiting of my oxygen intake can erode my health over time. i was paying attention.
.
now when i catch myself— which is typically daily— i let out a big, big exhale.
.
and then i let in a big deep breath and exhale again— slowly or swiftly, whatever is needed in the moment.
.
i often say to myself, “exhale exhale exhale.”
.
this becomes a pretty powerful opportunity for in-the-moment awareness as well. i might ask myself:
.
what am i “holding my breath” about?
.
or, what am i holding onto?
.
what am i afraid will happen?
.
is there something i’m secretly dreading?
.
what am i hiding from?
.
what might be making me feel tense or uneasy?
.
do i feel unsafe right now? why?
.
am i disallowing flow and trust in this moment somehow?
.
am i simply holding onto generic anxiety because that’s what i’m used to?
.
what often arises upon answering any of these questions is a realization of some sort of subconscious “clenching.” typically, this clenching— or bracing— is the result of repetitive thoughts or beliefs about the “reality” of our world, our lives, ourselves being erroneously deemed truth and subsequently embedded as a broken record in our subconscious.
.
once we recognize this subconscious fight or flight (or freeze) loop is silently draining our life force, our exhale allows us to gently recognize and release our false narratives, moment by moment.
.
exhale and let go, loves. i’m doing it right here with you <3

2019-04-24 20:50

457 38

 

remember to exhale. | some years ago, a therapist told me that i tend to subconsciously hold my breath. i learned that this habit comes from subconscious anxiety (probably amongst other things) and that such limiting of my oxygen intake can erode my health over time. i was paying attention. . now when i catch myself— which is typically daily— i let out a big, big exhale. . and then i let in a big deep breath and exhale again— slowly or swiftly, whatever is needed in the moment. . i often say to myself, “exhale exhale exhale.” . this becomes a pretty powerful opportunity for in-the-moment awareness as well. i might ask myself: . what am i “holding my breath” about . or, what am i holding onto . what am i afraid will happen . is there something i’m secretly dreading . what am i hiding from . what might be making me feel tense or uneasy . do i feel unsafe right now why . am i disallowing flow and trust in this moment somehow . am i simply holding onto generic anxiety because that’s what i’m used to . what often arises upon answering any of these questions is a realization of some sort of subconscious “clenching.” typically, this clenching— or bracing— is the result of repetitive thoughts or beliefs about the “reality” of our world, our lives, ourselves being erroneously deemed truth and subsequently embedded as a broken record in our subconscious. . once we recognize this subconscious fight or flight (or freeze) loop is silently draining our life force, our exhale allows us to gently recognize and release our false narratives, moment by moment. . exhale and let go, loves. i’m doing it right here with you <3

<3 // seen.

2019-04-17 20:25

875 32

 

<3 // seen.

quincy for bevel
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unsolicited advice: that boundary violation when someone prescribes their will upon you.
.
the idea of “should” is way too hella much embedded into our culture.
.
however subtle or seemingly harmless, the person on the receiving end often feels uncomfortable, annoyed, frustrated, condescended, pressured, unseen, and disregarded. yet many of us continue to dish it nonetheless— why?
.
what is this irresistible compulsion to give our two cents? and to double down upon resistance, even?
.
identity and ego.
.
the identified mind creates ideas of what it believes the world is and references these ideas when deciding how to move about life— on the most base level, in the interest of survival.
.
our egoic minds and constructed identities are ultimately fragile holograms and our subconscious knows this; it knows that our true selves are formless and devoid of the “i.”
.
and so, if we are too attached to our egos and identities, our safe space resides in a clearly defined, delicate box. then when anything feels divergent from my safe space construct of a sound reality, it is perceived as an actual threat to *me* and my very existence.
.
we try to organize and control the world around us as if it were a simulation of what our minds have decided is “right” and therefore “safe.” that’s not real life, though! and it ain’t no funnnnn.
.
when i learned these concepts in therapy several years ago, it blew my mind and changed my life.
.
so much of the pain we cause ourselves and others is because of this death grip we keep on our egos and identities as a form of protection. we think that if another person doesn’t see the world how we do or live their lives per our values, that their refusal is an affront to our own goodness, worth, and “rightness.” we question our own freedom to safely exist as we are.
.
(continued in comments | 1/2)

2019-04-15 20:43

272 21

 

quincy for bevel . unsolicited advice: that boundary violation when someone prescribes their will upon you. . the idea of “should” is way too hella much embedded into our culture. . however subtle or seemingly harmless, the person on the receiving end often feels uncomfortable, annoyed, frustrated, condescended, pressured, unseen, and disregarded. yet many of us continue to dish it nonetheless— why . what is this irresistible compulsion to give our two cents and to double down upon resistance, even . identity and ego. . the identified mind creates ideas of what it believes the world is and references these ideas when deciding how to move about life— on the most base level, in the interest of survival. . our egoic minds and constructed identities are ultimately fragile holograms and our subconscious knows this; it knows that our true selves are formless and devoid of the “i.” . and so, if we are too attached to our egos and identities, our safe space resides in a clearly defined, delicate box. then when anything feels divergent from my safe space construct of a sound reality, it is perceived as an actual threat to *me* and my very existence. . we try to organize and control the world around us as if it were a simulation of what our minds have decided is “right” and therefore “safe.” that’s not real life, though! and it ain’t no funnnnn. . when i learned these concepts in therapy several years ago, it blew my mind and changed my life. . so much of the pain we cause ourselves and others is because of this death grip we keep on our egos and identities as a form of protection. we think that if another person doesn’t see the world how we do or live their lives per our values, that their refusal is an affront to our own goodness, worth, and “rightness.” we question our own freedom to safely exist as we are. . (continued in comments | 1/2)

<3 // take your power back.
.
“it’s like she gave me permission to [xyz]…” nah.
.
nope to toxic narratives in feminism and the women’s movement; our words and thoughts, however seemingly innocuous, program our subconscious beliefs. our subconscious beliefs determine the lives we live.
.
let’s use more self-affirming and accurate language. for example, “they inspired me to give *myself* permission to [xyz]...”
.
(a nod to my previous post on empowerment)

2019-04-09 19:31

747 56

 

<3 // take your power back. . “it’s like she gave me permission to [xyz]…” nah. . nope to toxic narratives in feminism and the women’s movement; our words and thoughts, however seemingly innocuous, program our subconscious beliefs. our subconscious beliefs determine the lives we live. . let’s use more self-affirming and accurate language. for example, “they inspired me to give *myself* permission to [xyz]...” . (a nod to my previous post on empowerment)

chissy on the les
.
the popular usage of ”empowerment”— particularly in relation to self-development, the current women’s movement, wellness communities, and inspirational leaders— has long triggered unease within me; beyond gross overuse, i feel the way the term is often used is incorrect— and insidiously disempowering to the subconscious as a result.
.
some definitions i pulled across a handful of online dictionaries, including merriam-webster, cambridge, and oxford:
.
1) to give (someone) the authority or power to do something
.
2) to give official authority or legal power to
.
3) enable (to provide with the means or opportunity)
.
4) to give someone official authority or the freedom to do something
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5) to enable or permit
.
6) to make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights
.
7) to encourage and support the ability to do something
.
8) to promote the self-actualization or influence of
.
for me, definitions one through five cover the formal empowerment of someone by granting them access to execute a certain position or action of power within a given institution or system. depending on context, this can be a fair naming, particularly when operating to “correct” systemic imbalances and injustices; the privileged using their means to empower the disenfranchised rightfully exists as one tool, amongst others. though some might get it twisted, such empowerment is not a transference of actual agency, ability, or deservingness, which every person innately possesses— it is largely functional and surface in nature.
.
then we arrive at definition six— the deeply troubling common usage definition in wellness and women’s communities; here, the first five definitions are rolled up to imply that one human can somehow “make” another human stronger and more confident. we can sure be deluded into this notion, but only after we decide— consciously or subconsciously— to give our own power away first. that this is a formal definition makes my head spin.
.
(1/3 | continued in comments)

2019-04-03 19:27

381 25

 

chissy on the les . the popular usage of ”empowerment”— particularly in relation to self-development, the current women’s movement, wellness communities, and inspirational leaders— has long triggered unease within me; beyond gross overuse, i feel the way the term is often used is incorrect— and insidiously disempowering to the subconscious as a result. . some definitions i pulled across a handful of online dictionaries, including merriam-webster, cambridge, and oxford: . 1) to give (someone) the authority or power to do something . 2) to give official authority or legal power to . 3) enable (to provide with the means or opportunity) . 4) to give someone official authority or the freedom to do something . 5) to enable or permit . 6) to make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights . 7) to encourage and support the ability to do something . 8) to promote the self-actualization or influence of . for me, definitions one through five cover the formal empowerment of someone by granting them access to execute a certain position or action of power within a given institution or system. depending on context, this can be a fair naming, particularly when operating to “correct” systemic imbalances and injustices; the privileged using their means to empower the disenfranchised rightfully exists as one tool, amongst others. though some might get it twisted, such empowerment is not a transference of actual agency, ability, or deservingness, which every person innately possesses— it is largely functional and surface in nature. . then we arrive at definition six— the deeply troubling common usage definition in wellness and women’s communities; here, the first five definitions are rolled up to imply that one human can somehow “make” another human stronger and more confident. we can sure be deluded into this notion, but only after we decide— consciously or subconsciously— to give our own power away first. that this is a formal definition makes my head spin. . (1/3 | continued in comments)

<3 // it has always been you.

2019-03-12 18:28

1607 96

 

<3 // it has always been you.

mary for major models
.
in fall 2017, during the peak of my longest and most challenging depressive period since beginning therapy in 2010, i ran into an acquaintance at an event.
.
she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment.
.
in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break.
.
i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy.
.
i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience.
.
i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me.
.
i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this.
.
i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully.
.
(continued in comments)

2019-02-06 01:10

882 45

 

mary for major models . in fall 2017, during the peak of my longest and most challenging depressive period since beginning therapy in 2010, i ran into an acquaintance at an event. . she asked me how i was and before i could answer, she said something to the effect of, “and i know you being you, you’re gonna keep it real and not just be like, ‘i’m great!’ if you’re not.” i know she meant to be complimentary, but it was not what i needed to hear in the moment. . in those months, my whole life had been consumed around salvaging my mood the best i possibility could; my own thoughts on ‘how i was doing’ were already encroaching on my space in my alone time. i had decided in advance to do my best to act as if i was okay during this event— because that’s what i needed; i needed a goddamn break. . i got extremely uncomfortable and began wondering if i was inauthentic because i didn’t want to put energy on naming that i wasn’t well. i wanted to answer that i was good and move on to some other type of conversation that i could actually enjoy. . i told myself that saying “good” was true in a sense; because ultimately, i am always alright. and at that time, i was simply experiencing an ebb of my human experience. . i think my discomfort with her remark and my ensuing internal conflict blew my cover; i’m quite certain she felt my reservation and unease when i said “good.” it changed the vibe. and i mostly didn’t care. i wasn’t there to cater to her vision of me. . i chose my self-preservation. and that’s what i’ll choose in the vast majority of cases. i know how useless and even harmful i can be when i’m unwell and not tending to my needs. when i’m real low, any filter i’ve got to maintain a semblance of normalcy and civility with the outside world is paper thin— i know this. . i don’t think we need to feel obligated to say we’re feeling unwell while we are still amidst that experience; it doesn’t help my healing to put energy on a given challenging thing that i’m already working on for the sake of updating someone— especially an acquaintance—perfectly truthfully. . (continued in comments)

<3 // been on my mind heavy lately as a general life creed. there’s always a choice.
.
a closing line from my recent essay for latonya yvette.

2019-01-28 19:31

1141 41

 

<3 // been on my mind heavy lately as a general life creed. there’s always a choice. . a closing line from my recent essay for latonya yvette.

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