Permanent feels unfortunately.
I feel I am not allowed to speak.
I feel I cannot speak.
I feel the words just cannot come out.
It all gets tied up in my brain.
I hate living in my skin.
I want to tear it off.
Shred it. Rip it. Destroy it.
I must see blood, the more blood the more poison I’m getting out.
Tonight I lost it. Full blown broke.
I shouted, I cried, I sobbed, I shook.
I punched every wall I could over and over. Even the wooden floor when my legs gave way and sobbed there. I’ve done it a lot to this hand over the years so it’s resilient. Others may see damage, swelling possible bruising. I don’t. I look and don’t see enough damage. I haven’t been like this or done this for over a year. I knew this was coming for a while. There’s only so many failed surgeries, bad news, pain and criticism one person can take. And if this person has mental illness as well it seems to be even harder.
I looked through my phone book there was no one I could call. No one that could come to me and be by my side.
I managed to talk to my best friend who lives in America, I feel bad because her husband wasn’t feeling great today either. But at that moment in time I needed to hear a voice on the other end of the phone, I needed somewhere I could go to feel safe, I needed someone who could just hug me til I cried myself out and fell asleep. .
I am not under a mental health team so I cannot phone a crisis team. But they honestly dont help. I am not under a mental health team because they decided 1. They couldn’t help me and 2. I have too many physical problems getting In the way. I cannot be referred elsewhere. It doesn’t work like that in the UK. To go to another area you need to get funding. A hospital I’m under wanted to treat me. They tried to get me funding and it was denied. I was told my area should help me. Well they aren’t and here I am.
#mentalhealth #eupd #depression #anxiety #paranoia #selfharm #sadness #anger #breakdown #letdown #pathetic #worthless #destroy
Anger is one emotion I can't handle...
It's like I'm feeling a sense of rage building in my body waiting to pop out...😐 Is anger really an emotion or an unfamiliar side of us that's going to destroy everything... #anger
You can't mess it up! He s directing your path! There's A man that was in the Bible and his name was Jonah! He Told Jonah to go to Nineveh and deliver a message instead Jonah got in A boat and went in the other direction! Didn't listen and God rerouted him! He was on the boat doing his own thing, going his own way! Running away from the purpose of God what he told him to do then A storm and the people on the boat threw him overboard and he was ate by a whale! Did Jonah make it to Nineveh Yes he did! What I'm saying is that no matter what direction you go, Gods purpose for your life will come to pass! You can't mess it up! #God #Jesus #world #all #people #everyone #Christians #cant #messup #destroy #purpose
Tearing it up.
My dogs love their crackers. • 1/8 of cup of kibble
• Junk mail flyer
• Toilet paper roll
Food goes in flyer, flyer goes inside toilet paper roll, toilet paper roll ends get folded, and then there are given to dogs to destroy.