The second thing I left behind last year was not-enough-ness.
It's been an incessant thrum through my life -- this feeling of not doing enough, not having enough, not working enough, not resting enough. Ultimately not being enough.
Intellectually I've understood this is silly for a while. OF COURSE I'm enough ("What does that even MEAN" I yell at my brain. "Enough WHAT") but only recently have I begun to digest that understanding, to feel beneath my skin that I am enough, not because I'm doing 10,000 things but because there's no other option. I am, and that's plenty :)
God works in amazing ways. Here’s a shortened version of my story of the last three years; some beautiful ups and some hard downs that got me here, where I am right now, so full of joy. In 2016, after loosing one of my good friends and my brother’s almost fiancé I was depressed, grief struck and in so much heartbreak (we all were). I would go to work, come home to change in my pjs and lay in bed to watch tv. My hero of a hubby took over so many chores for US without a single complaint. I was eating my emotions and no longer a fun drinking buddy. We ended up going through 6 family/family friend’s deaths and 2 pups. In the middle of all that, I did get married and had the most beautiful wedding and honeymoon. Not everyday was horrible but, my world was flipped upside down. I was mad at God and hating my insides. Eventually, I felt healthier, we got pregnant and I loved every minute of being pregnant and being a mom is the BEST joy in the world. We bought a fixer-upper and my family helped start renovations. Shortly after moving in the financial stress of what we had just done and my postpartum hormones was tearing apart our marriage. I was feeling like the only thing I was rocking was taking care of Maren and my classroom. J and I knew we needed (still need) counseling but couldn’t afford it. Could we have asked our parents, absolutely, but I wasn’t ready to admit to anyone that my best friend and I were struggling. I went to the doctor and have been back on my antidepressants for four months and it wasn’t enough, so I gave in and started doing other things to better my health. My brother’s now girlfriend, Kassidy (my coach) started beachbody. I have always admired her. In my eyes, anyone who can take on the awkwardness of everything was so courageous. She asked once if I wanted to join, I said no. I couldn’t afford it, I didn’t have the motivation to workout, every other excuse. I went to talk to J (our chief financial officer). I said I don’t have the money for this this month but I need this. I think I want to be a coach with Kass and just lay it all out. Without hesitation, he said then let’s do it and that’s where I’ve been ever since 👏🏻
When in doubt, paint it out...
Did you know I also create custom one of a kind 5x7in greeting cards
This one is headed to wish the sweetest Grandma a happy 90th birthday tomorrow.
I just wish it was easier to capture the glory that is gold leaf 😍