"What happened to you"
If I were to make a list of the number of times that I've been asked this very question then the length of that paper would be sufficient to completely wrap me and my trembling self up.
I feel like at this point of time in my life, opening up about myself and about my past isn't as easy as it used to be when I was much younger.
Back then sharing what burdened me was never difficult,
I could pour and I could bleed on the things that touched me.
I could ask for help and for support without feeling guilty..
It's a part of why some people don't open up, it's a part of why some people don't want to love or be loved,
Because then they would have to answer this question and many other similar ones.
This one question has the power to brutally demolish all of my walls,
And before I know my lips lock up like they have never before and my brain grows numb as I go completely out of words.
I can see those moments unfolding infront of me like corpses walking slowly out of their graves,
I can see it all over again.
The moment I saw his last breath,
The moment I saw him walk away,
The moment when I froze at the back of the car because my body couldn't respond to the sudden trauma,
The moment when I realised that I could never be okay again,
The moment when I realised that I would never be enough.
When people ask me about what happened to me,
I don't know which story to tell,
I don't know if they belong to me,
Or if I still belong with them.
things no one tells you about adulthood:- i ) ghosts are real.they don't haunt houses ,they haunt people.your body will be haunted by all the people you have loved.next time you tell me that you miss someone , i know its their ghost talking .when you die they crush your bones and build a bhoot bangla with it. paint it with memories and hang moments as chandeliers. see, you run out of reasons for why you made homes out of some people.
ii) you never know when you will hear your mumma say your name for the last time.
you have' forever 'until you realise , is a lie we tell ourselves to buy more time for things we know will end.
now wish you stayed home a little longer ,called her more ,saved all her recipes and learnt the art of how to cook up and serve yourself on a platter ,with the exact amount of salt and spice and garnish yourself with an apology so that people will always 'like you '. iii) loneliness is a sexually transmitted disease, it is fatal ,passed from generation to generation and no protection can save its expression . the weeks will weather away and you will still not hear from people.curl up like a question mark on empty beds with a 'why me' and swipe right and left clinging to internet strangers that will make you feel a little less lonely .
iv) a thirteen hundred kilocalorie diet will help you reduce weight but not the regrets stored in your belly . all the things you should have said ,all the places you should have gone and promises you should have kept will stay with you. this juice detox plan will not help in flushing it out of your system.you learn to live with regrets and accept it as your middle name.
v ) exhaustion and productivity are identical twins.we always confuse one for another. worship coffee as an elixir and 'slept like shit' as your makeup look .if you aren't constantly creating something are you really worthy
vi) the constant anxiety of how everything will go wrong ,will sleep on your bed . someday it will take sedatives and never wake up.i hope you wait for the days when you bake blueberry pancakes and romanticise each moment like you will never live something this grand ever again. ~ rashi