Recently I’ve been dreaming about adventuring and exploring on my own. I’ve never had this pull before, in fact growing up I was very uncomfortable at the mere thought of experiencing new things on my own. This past weekend when I found myself with a full day off I had all these ideas of what I wanted to do with my day and reached out to some friends. Everyone was busy doing their own thing and for a split second I found myself disappointed as if this meant I couldn’t still do all the things. As soon as I realized how ridiculous this was, I got myself ready and set out for a day of treating myself and doing whatever I felt like doing! I literally had the most fun that I’ve had in a loooong time and not once did I feel lonely or out of place.
I always find it mind boggling when these beliefs that I’ve just become so accustomed to over the years wind up coming to the surface for me to re-evaluate. I can’t tell you how often I find myself mid thought pattern and realize that’s not me, not how I think, and especially not something I believe anymore. Self awareness is some seriously powerful magic! So here’s to breaking up with old limiting beliefs and making space for many more solo adventures to come💖
Asking questions helps us to understand ourselves, others and our world better. Sometimes there’s a weird stigma around asking questions (this I have noticed a lot in religious circles). If we just accept our circumstances as they are how can we learn, how do we understand Ask questions, ask the right questions and welcome the answers with an open mind and an open heart.
I walked into the office, took my seat at the table and before she could raise an eyebrow of judgement, I started. “I’m Kate. I have raging courage. I care deeply. I exist loudly. I am full of badassery. I will shock you with my intelligence. I can write like a boss. I am passionate about this cause. I am kind. I can be funny, sometimes inappropriately so. I am imperfect and I like myself that way. I grow daily. I am perfect for this job. I’ll start on Monday.” She smirked. She knew this was coming. She knew it wasn’t ego, but truth that was long overdue. She knew that I had put in the work, surrounded myself with the support needed, and lost countless nights of sleep over this next chapter. She didn’t care about my professional background, accolades or trophies. “Just one question,” she asked, already knowing the answer. “What happened to your pain” I stood to my feet, slung my purse over my should and made my way to the door. With my hand on the knob, I turned with confidence to answer. “Refined into fuel.” 🔥 After twelve years of growing through and overcoming trauma, three years of raising my voice to create legal, personal, educational and social change, and one year of reflecting, incubating, and planning, I stopped begging and then apologizing for my seat at the table. I hired myself. 2019 is going to be a powerful year.
I think all my pictures from now on will just be me in front of all my dirty mirrors... surrounded by the truth of my life. 🤣🤣
but seriously... one of the major reasons I took a long break from this account was because I could feel the negative affects spending so much time consuming social media was having on me. I felt deeply flawed and thoroughly imperfect. I’ve considered making a list of all the things I did/wanted to do/would have done just to help the image I was creating here, to show how far from my center I had wandered. Not all of them bad... just not 100% true to me. (Some of them were a little crazy though🤣) I was preaching self love while loathing who I was. I was writing about faith while struggling with my own. I was talking about self improvement while feeling stuck in a dark place I couldn’t see though to the other end of. All the while knowing I wasn’t who I claimed to be and I couldn’t keep pretending to be something/someone I wasn’t.
So who am I then A deep universal question that I’m learning to answer every day. Can you ever really know
Maybe. Who knows. I certainly don’t.
So here’s my deal. I’m coming back. Slowly. I want to make sure it’s healthy space for me, and you! I want to talk about all the same things I was, but from a more honest place. I want to feel more genuine, about every aspect of my life. Even the scary things. The uncomfortable ones. I think we all struggle with the same feelings. Lets talk about them.
This instant gratification Instagram place is such a small fraction of the smallest fraction of the truth of things. I just want to bring to light more of that truth. The real, honest, vulnerable, hard as hell truth. Because something has been tugging at my heart to do so. And I’m learning to follow my heart more, and leave my head behind sometimes.
So will you journey with me It won’t be pretty... I can promise that. I’m not perfect and neither is any aspect of my life. But it will be as real as I can manage to get it. Because I think we all deserve a little real and a loooong, deep exhale. I’ve been holding a big preverbal breath, and I think you have too.
Isnt it about time to let it go 🖤